back

i am jobless and aimless. tuitions dun count. aaaargh. boredom kills me.
i have been very happy. for d past wk at least. i dunno. have been myself with myself.

sch will start in a mth.
waiting.

adioz

losing it

after a month, almost.
exams are over and the pressure has not left me.

i am feeling like a total idiot.
i am so bloody unhappy, like fuck man!

i need to do so many bledi fucking things and i haven got time to be there for myself.
cb its so bloody irritating.
i know i sound selfish. but let me be.
i wanna live for myself. at least i dun feel like a fucking fool anymore. at the end of the day, i am glad it was done for me.

i aint anybody's maid. i need a life on my own. freedom to do wat i feel like. screw it i aint young anymore. i wanna slp when i wan to. sing when i wan to. eat when i wan to. study when i wan to. go out when i wan to. be there for myself if i wan to.

i wanna be free.
wanna be alone.


i am feeling lonely and i am happy abt it.
cos no one really is out there for me.
its a fucking selfish world.
there is no fucking thing as friends, family, love or relatives.


face it man.
its just u n u alone.
only my degree burns with me when i die.

its gonna be me and my mirror only. pls all those fake friends and those 'i cant live without u' 'call me anytime u need me' 'frenz forever' drama ppl. .I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING LYING.

THERE IS REALLY NO ONE OUT THERE FOR ANYONE.

one for one. none for all.

adioz.

my thoughts

today is the 8th. the day i reached australia,perth, exactly 5 yrs ago... that very saturday...
and when the sunday night came... i knew my life had changed forever... i had lost my pillar of strength.

recently i have been feeling pretty 'dependent'. maybe cos i have not been running ard for tuitions and stayin in sch to study for long hrs. feels gd yet smth is so amiss.


u know smtimes u just feel that u are missing this part of ur life. this void. and i know its not cos of my appa. hmmm. when u feel the loss of attention, thats when u feel it best.the loss i mean.
well i hope that by staying away, i will gain at the end. i hope.

i just heard this horrendous news that i was 60 kg last yr on nov 28. i dunno how far its true. while thiv says its not true and my other half says that it is definitely true... i dare ask anyone to bring a weighing scale to me now. Your Highness weighs a near-to-petite 47 kg. wahahaha. we'll see if i can lose another 2kg more by xmas.

oh well. i have been having nightmares for a long time. of being chased, of being cheated, of falling and hurting myself n wat not. scary sial...

well i better go eat n study. cant waste much time, can i?


adioz.

lost my voice. happy :)

over a short period of 4 days, i guess i fell too sick. lost my voice and cant seem to get out of bed. luckily i managed a day out with my friends for diwali visiting on saturday.


crap i think i am having a horrid breakout on my alrdy fairly bad complexion.


i have soo many things to speak abt. to speak my mind. but suddenly i feel all sorts of restrictions on me. those that i have put on myself. hmmmm crap.


certain things i have to say.


i aint mourning any loss of any particular friend in my life.


i have alrdy labelled you a bitch. so beware not to cross my path cos u are so gonna fuck-slammed in ur ears.


what goes around comes around. sorry, i know i should be by ur side, but i cant help but feel this way as well. i do feel very sorry for u and i wish u good. and thanks Kanna, i wonder if i wld have reacted as maturedly as u if i were in ur shoes. i really doubt so.


watch what i say to you. i know its always better to keep a distance. cos i nvr know when u gonna stab me in my back once 30 days is up. once bitten, twice shy.


i kinda have this odd feeling in me. i know its utterly ridiculous at this point of time but yeah, i cant quite help it though. *laughs*


oh hell. my running nose screws me up again. its running faster than i do. well anyth does.



adioz.

my attempt to revive my blog
so sem exams are approaching
diwali is over.


i need to start studying and it starts from tmr!!! ( i hope)
tuitions just ended. but luckily for me this yr i have kids who wan tuition thruout holz.


thiv asked me to blog at my feelings. maybe i shd.


hmmm. i guess giving in is all abt life. no i mean life is all abt giving in.
i guess i shd no longer waste my efforts in getting angry and feeling hurt. its really all up in our minds.
i mean, lets just be silently 'selfish'? muz i think so much and create such emotional turmoil for myself?
if i choose to let go and have no expectations of ppl ard me... i know for sure life will be a better place.
*oh god. i got a bit confused here*

well anyway thiv made this kind observation of me n my activties. individualistic she said.
i cant deny. me gg to sch, my classes n tuition n heading home with no social life etc.
niva also goes thru the same routine as me. well, sumtimes we work so much for the future and dun live for the present. it sucks. but when u know that u are gg broke the next wk itself, might as well get ur ass off to work right?like i have a choice, dammit!

recently, my other half said that i am being very childish. i have realised that i am being such an idiot to some people in my life. i have taken steps to seriously rectify it. but isn't it just nice to sit down and wish u were a child all over again? sighz. i miss those days man.


yes thiv, we will make up for all the time we din spend together by going out after exams. first place, SHOPPING!
next makan, makan, makan in tekka! yey.

my last thought of the day is that, if i really want to, i can. although i do relapse into my those 'off' moods and become such as ass, i suppose, it is still under my control.

wel, i suppose i just wanted to be a gd gal today and blog like an angel.

oh well.

woman by birth, bitch by choice.
adioz.

mess

right now everything is a mess.
from my room to my modules to my schedule to this blog to my relationships.

room
its a mess. has always been. now cos of spring cleaning, its even worse. books and clothes strewn everywhere.

modules
i keep reading but it des not end. annoying. i am up to date yet not. confusing! in the arts fact, reading nvr endsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..................................

schedule
who said teaching tuition was easy? now they are having their exams. den tuition ends. we have exams and we go broke. wtf
navratri sucked the living breathe outta me. uuurgh.
sch sch sch. paatu and dance class. i cant complain enuf yet all these truly hold my sanity.

blog
loadsa drafts saved... incomplete.
dun feel like posting them. let me see, wat more excuses can i give?

relationships
friends.fiends.
funny.
how u think they know u so well but then and again they prove u wrong.
i so believe that frens can be ur downfall as well as uplift u in many ways.
my other half thinks that friends are the world.
my best friend spends his salary on them.
my babe just think they cant understand her ever
my dhostu just changed her mind abt me after suffering a few injuries

and i here feel so upset that the frens i thot were the coolest ever dun rmbr a thing abt being cool and worse still abt the times we were really close.
so very odd. its damn sad
i think i so rmbr every moment with such love for many of the ppl i deem close and i go like,
'hey do u rmbr blah blah blahblah?'(with a fucking stupid excited tone)
and den i get a blank look
OR
"oh yaaaa!" and den they tell me smth that does not even exist to my imagination.


i am such a wild dreamer and i dream a lot abt having fun.
thing is, i usually dun have fun. i dun seem to have time and so i hold on to dreams and memories. but ppl dun see such things.
basically they forget.


for me this does not work out entirely.
this day, seated at my laptop and doing the usual that i have not in months makes me feel odd.

cos i realise i have missed out loads and i dun/CAN'T seem to regret it a bit. (except the bit whr i have missed out on downloading songs) i suppose my 'frens' have made them worthless in the meantime.

and den haran replies me telling me how we both cant be without each other...
i guess friendship is a ship that nvr sinks after all!


adioz.

the shruthi box and its meaning

yatra is finally over. this is probably one of the last few times i am gonna utter that word, at least for this year. on my part, it was a success evidently.

sch started like 4 weeks ago. n here i am,having just finished two wks of sch for all my modules. week 5 starts tmr. i still haven gotten off the resting/lazing mode. n i have a gd number of tuitions n navarathiri.

thing is i am really troubled. first things first, i was coaxed by my parents to go for a karoke singing comp today. i managed to persuade my campus-mate to follow me n sing a duet as well. as usual, i screwed up. i feel super bad for him. not only that, i have a burning anger within me.
WhyTF am i screwing up? my 6th yr in paatu is ending. i have performed in temples, n when ppl get me to sing, i seemingly and so-called get their wows. but when i go for a competition, all screws up. i will NOT blame my nervousness for this. i do get it too when i debate, but i pull that one off well. even during exams. den wat abt singing... i do it every damn day when i am eating and when i am shitting and when i am dreaming. why the hell do i go off pitch at all the impt points and screw up like this??
as my msn nick explains, my shruthi box lost its meaning today. i din have to go off key. i simply cun get it. the best part, i din even know. i dunno wat is wrong with my ears. i am partially deaf due to all that blasting of ear-pieces that sumtimes i dun even know that i am screaming.
and of cos, when has stubbornness not caused me problems?? i simply refuse to sing at sumone else's pitch and imitate voices. that is not wat karnatic teaches me.
i feel that my voice has conformed to karnatic all these yrs that i simply REFUSE to imitate sumone else's voice n sing. its just not right. that is not wat my sangeeth teaches me. so how the hell do i explain this to ppl? i prefer to sing at my own shruthi. at the end of the day when i sit in front of a crowd and start my arangetram(debut), i fucking cant/dun/won't have a bloody playback going on at the back of my head. its my fucking own voice and the shruthi box. and this is far more important to me than any competition ever.

apart from this, i have a lot of academic worrying to do. looks like this sem is not gonna be easy. and i gotta work my ass off till its sore. seems like i have heaps of travelling to do. plus reading. plus my classes and of cos mid-terms. i cant screw up yet again.

and the fact that u see me no longer the same... the wound is repeated made sore by everything i hear from ur mouth.

i wish i cld scream n scream. i wanna hear the screams of my own devil. i prefer to now hang onto my silence and dwell alone.

at the end of the day, i just hope to die at God's feet, my degree(s) at hand and sangeeth still playing in my heart...

adioz.

உன்னை என்னை கேட்டுகிட்டா காதல் நெஞ்சை தட்டுச்சு???

SECOND YEAR FIRST SEMESTER

HERE I COME



school has finally started. and i am SOOOOO glad it has.

i am gonna enjoy school and have fun studying.

i seriously enjoy sociology. and being a sociologist.
and maybe an anthropologist as well.


i dunno wat to write. whr to start.
all is good. ntg is screwed up. feels gd yet wierd. talk abt optimism.


well, in the end, all one needs is

thoda pyaar thoda magic...

busy

nus.yatra. and work.

boy, i am tired! today is probably the earliest i came back in a month. sighz.

and as usual this workaholic is enjoying it. sumtimes altho i can get really so frustrated, i know i like what i am doing.

and of cos all this wld not have been possible if not for my great friends, who understand my schedule and stay by me.

to u all, a BIG thanks.
and with an even bigger hug.


இந்த பூமியே பூவனம். உங்கள் பூக்களைத் தேடுங்கள்
இந்த வாழ்க்கையே சீதனம். உங்கள் தேவையைக் கேளுங்கள்

adioz.

ஆழியிலே முக்குளிக்கும் அழகே
ஆவியிலே த‌த்த‌ளிக்கும் அழகே

உன் குழ‌லோடு விளையாடும் காற்றாக‌ உறுமாறி
முந்தானை ம‌டியேற‌வா மூச்சோடு குடியேற‌வா
உன் இடையோடு ந‌ட‌மாடும் உடையாக‌ நான் மாறி
எந்நாளும் சூடேரேவா என் ஜென்ம‌ம் ஈடேற‌வா

ஆழியிலே முக்குளிக்கும் அழகே
ஆவியிலே த‌த்த‌ளிக்கும் அழகே

உன் விம்மென்ற‌ கன்னத்தில் விம்மென்ற‌ நெஞ்ச‌த்தில்
இச்சென்று இத‌ழ் வைக்கவா
இச்சைக்கோர் இலை வைக்கவா

உன் உம் என்ற‌ சொல்லுக்கும் விம் என்ற‌ சொல்லுக்கும்
இப்போதே தடை வைக்கவா
மௌன‌த்தில் குடி வைக்கவா

அக‌ம் பாதி முக‌ம் பாதி ந‌க‌ம் பாயும் சுக‌ம் மீறி
ம‌றைத்தாலும் ம‌றைக்காது அழகே

அடிவான‌ம் சிவ‌ந்தாலும் கொடி பூக்க‌ள் ப‌ற‌ந்த்தாலும்
உன்னைப் போல இருக்காது அழகே
அடிவான‌ம் சிவ‌ந்தாலும் கொடி பூக்க‌ள் ப‌ற‌ந்த்தாலும்
உன்னைப் போல் இருக்காது அழகே


அழ‌கே விய‌க்கும் அழ‌கே
அழ‌கே விய‌க்கும் அழ‌கே


my latest craze. pyaar.
dedicated to that one wonder.
MYSELF.

i cry

I cry

For all those who love me

for all those I love

For All I have lost

For all I have gained

For all the friends I have made

For all the foes I have made

For all those selfless acts of mine

For all those selfish thoughts of mine

For all the times I admired beauty with my eyes

For all those times I shun away faces with the very same sight

I cry for all that has past and yet to happen

I cry for all the pain and all that love

I cry for all that I studied and all that I failed

I cry for all the living dead

Just like me.

An empty train with no passengers.

That is what I want to be.

Carrying nothing with me but just myself.

And travelling, aimlessly.

the yatra

yes i am still here.
i aint dead. although my feelings are going to be soon.

i am all confused. not cos of myself, of course.

i am clear of being all unclear.

Have you wondered if a person is sleeping or is dead?
Have you ever thought of what wld it be like to have wings and fly?

Bizzare thoughts fill my head. Here i am wondering and wondering.


FEAR.

i fear fear.
it overwhelms me.
i fear of failing.
losing
being happy lest it shall not last
being sad lest it lasts


its scary. to look at life positively.

and when i sleep, i dream.
dream of everyday things.
everyday things that scare me.
i no longer fear myself only.
i fear you, you and you. and you too.

but its funny how i dun run away this time round.
i wanna be there.
feel the pain and fear
the fear of losing life even sometimes.


i bet its worst out there. somewhere. i think.



a naalum oru kural once said : God will not give u what u want, but he will give you what u deserve.


u think so??
maybe.

lets just see. if your journey through ur own mind will make me the victim, hmmm.
although it does not pay to be selfless all the time, i still learn something outta it. to be not what i dun want you to be.


one doubt though.

how long will life be lasting for humans to continually think they will repent soon, again and again?





fed up.

adioz.

i dunno wat to do anymore

i dunno wat to do anymOre.

i dun seem to be able to articulate my thoughts. at the same time i suffocate thinking that all of it is getting bottled up.

i dun even think i am allowed to get angry. or feel hurt. or cry at the very least.

i have placed a barrier before myself.

i aint guilty. i aint self-pitying.

i am puzzled. thoroughly.

smth in me is dying to speak.
to tell u that smh is just not right.
no no there is no other way.
yes i do know why.
actually i dun.

bizzare.

i am unnervingly shutting up.


adioz.

happy father's day appa

happy father's day appa





u r still out there watching over me, aren't u?

sometimes u just gotta listen

sometimes u just gotta listen.

i have been sick. mentally n physically. n tired too.

oh yeah. sumtimes when u have been too close to sumone, like ur best fren or even ur parents, u dun even realise what u say to them. example when u wish sumone good nite, it actually means that u wish them gd sleep, and that they rest well. we dun even realise why we say things nowadays. everthing has become a routine. and the worth seems absent. its not the worth that is absent actually, its ur mind.

when u tell sumone to eat well and be safe, it means have ur meals properly and dun get into any damn shit. geddit?

i see that i say too much of these things and they no longer have any impact on the other side. so simply, it just means its time to stop. did u realise that when u stop giving love, thats when ppl question u?


the weather has been terrible. i need to go for a gd workout soon. tire myself out n get myself really tired. den slp n slp n shut my hp. i have a gd reason in mind to go MIA.


damn i aint gg for special sem. kolluppu. who the hell will be sick of holz except me?


read this in archie comics : the best revenge is no revenge at all.


and or yeah. sum ppl need to get their mouths shut or even have their lips sewn together. nowadays men bitch more than women. yikes.


not that i gotta go. but i wanna go. adioz.

i think sani got me

i think SANI got me. the past two weeks have been a tornado. not only in those disaster-struck countries.

i got into a horrid job. appointment agent they call it. but its tele-marketing.
and they do not switch on the air-conditioner. so its a sauna. break time is 25 mins. but they release us 5 mins late n expect us 5 mins earlier. we eat at the roads of raffles plaza/boat quay with the JEANZ sign staring at me.

well the saying goes, once bitten twice shy. hey but u know wat? it just doesn't work with me. masochist i am.

and so when this supposed teenAGE strikes u, we blame ur state of mind for being a delinquent and untolerably irritating. but seriously, i wonder how long this lasts. hmmm. for sumone like me, i find this so annoying to accept, yet i know its true. and the truth is geting outta this deficit, as the age calls for it, is really hard. and so i conclude, growing up is a pain. and its hard. even so for my 22-yr old sweetheart.

i had a tiff with my sis that day. and if she chances upon this, i just wanna let her know this.

sis, i love u very much. and though time cld have brought us to the point of fighting tat way when we had nvr done so b4, i wan to let u tt i treasure u many many. and i love ur kids even more.

and i think i wanna get sum studying done again. reading up on investments n female mags!!!

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
victim of circumstances, they say.

be silent, i say.


adioz.

its been so long. home alone.

sem has come to a closure. after exams, i wanna haf fun fun fun.

the exam outlook seems ok only at the moment. with sociology n singapore studies going gd, lit is moderate, psychology is at its suckiest point. ( yes u read it right sherinah, jaish n our overweight ms niva who are our psych loosus, oops majors.) how the hell do u guys do it maaaaan?

just to share a few thoughts.

i guess in my life, or rather in our lives, time n money play a very impt role. it is sad to see myself not making full use of either;in short not valuing both of them. before i can turn back and give a nod to their presence in my life, they seem to live my sight. haiz. i hate myself for doing this injustice i tell u.

i am taking so long to type this entry cos i have been by mosquitoes and i am going... scratch uncontrolled.

easier said den done, everything needs a control.

i have realised smth. ( i realise many things but do nothing abt them actually)

it makes no sense to put in ur heart and soul over many things. cos basically not everything turns out the way u wld like it to be. and so, dun build false hopes. cos disappointment isn't easy to handle.

it breaks ur soul, squeezes its way up ur chest, chokes u in the throat and escapes thru a little pain in ur eyes. as ur tears.


i hate repeated episodes. be it in some soap operas or even in my life. now that i have allowed a little repitition of some sort, i realised.

nothing is gonna change in a long time.

on a brighter note, i am in love with the movie 'shakespeare in love'. its too nice for me to even comment abt it. For those of u who already know, it takes its place after kanda naal muthal in my life. just waiting to get hold of the VCD/DVD. den hahahaha.

while writing this, i am watching a scene on tv where a father/husband has died. yes its a tamil show, and with all its exaggeration and stuff.. evoking much sympathy (empathy in my case) , i cant quite handle the story behind this.

u know seeing sumth like that in ur life...
i rather get a divorce / stay away from my father / lose contact completely

den to live life through with them and lose them to death

and undergo the pain of having to live without them ever again

i rather u be far away... like now.

i dunno if this makes sense. maybe ultimately, its both abt staying away from each other. but yeah. i know wat i am saying. in those many ways in which i am saying...


below, i am posting the lyrics of a song that has bestowed its addiction on me.




Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Unakkena Vaazhgiren Naanadi
Vizhiyile Un Vizhiyile Vizhundhavan Thaanadi
Uyirudan Saagiren Paaradi
Kaadaamal Ponaai Idhu Kadhal Saabamaa?
Nee Karaiyai Kadandha Pinnaalum
Naan Moozhgum Odamaa?
Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Unakkena Vaazhgiren Naanadi


Kanavugalil Vaazhndhuvitten Irudhivarai
Kangaliley Thoovivittaai Manthugalai
Indha Sogam Ingu Sugamaanadhu
Adhu Varamaaga Nee Thandhadhu
Nee Marandhaalume Un Kadhal Mattum
En Thunaiyaaga Varugindradhu
Aaraadha Kaayangal En Vaazhkai Paadamaa?
Ini Theeye Vaithu Erithaalum En Nenjam Vegumaa?
Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Uyirudan Saagiren Paaradi

Kadaliniley Vizhundhaalum Karaiyirukkum
Kaadhaliley Vizhundhapinney Karaiyillaiey
Indha Kadhal Enna Oru Nadai Vandiyaa?
Naan Vizhundhaalum Meendum Ezha?
Iru Kannai Katti Oru Kaattukkuley
Ennai Vittaaye Engey Sella?
Aan Nenjam Eppodhum Oru Oomai Thaanadi
Adhu Theruvin Oram Niruthivaikkum
Pazhudhaana Theradi
Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Unakkena Vaazhgiren Naanadi



i dunno how to label my feelings for this song.


adioz.

salman rushdie

the sem is at its last bit. loadsa things to catch up with n with life now at its busiest phase, i wun be too wrong to say that many things suffer - health, relationships, quality of sch work, slp, etc. oh well. no pain, no gain.

random thoughts...

how many senior citizens actually know tht the green seats in the SBS buses are actually meant for them? do they know its a lot more secured with its heavy base, and priority goes to them if they see an able-bodies commuter seated there?


oh oh. i think i have an issue with drunk ppl. last sat i ended up at o bar totally unprepared ( oh well i was not even dressed for it). one of my nephews who turned 21 that nite went there. maybe it was the whole bday bash, our dear fren ended up getting drunk. and my bro got high at the end of the nite. its simply annoying. i mean y lose ur chance to have fun by vomitting on ur frens and using the streets as ur one-hour 'hotel' rendezvous? PA-LEASE. pisses me off major. its not that getting drunk is bad or anyth. but dun do it all the time. or at least pls take care of urself.

talking of bday, mine was the usual bad thing.but more den that, i had always thought that august had the most bdays for me. looks like march is coming up to it. we'll just see.


march babies
1 gowri akka
2 razia, vicky, xian wei
7 sabrina
9 jayshree (oh yes, tts me), uma, banu
10 bavanni
11 dinesh, aishwini
17 mrs.nelson
18 murugesh
21 devi
24 aggie akka
31 bashirah



august babies

2 venket
5 vani
7 vishnu
9 singapore, sandra
12 jayanthi akka
15 india
16 haresh's mum
21 amma
24 akka, hema, anil
25 praba, sathiya, niva
27 vimala
28 thiviya, sharmini
31 malaysia


aaagh. i lazy to count liao. u count n tell me who is more. oh btw if i had left out anyone, dun kill me hor.


oh i have been reading Salman Rushdie's Fury for sometime. there are sum really nice words that i gotta let yall know.


pg 11

Othello does not love Desdemona... He says he does, but it cant be true. Because if he loves her, the murder makes no sense. For me, Desdemona is Othello's trophy wife, his most valuable and status-giving possession... He loves that about her but not her... Desdemona's death is an 'honour-killing'.

pg 51

we were our stories, and when we dies, if we were very lucky, our immortality would be in another such tale.

pg 58

She had learned how to twist and thicken the plot. As a practising Catholic, she initially announced that she wouldn't sue Rhinehart for divorce even though he was the devil in disguise. The devil, she explained to her attorneys, was short, white, wore a green frock coat, a pigtail, and high-heeled slippers, and strongly resembled the philosopher Immanuel Kant... "My revenge on Satan," she told the bemused lawyers, "will be to keep him the prisoner of my ring."

woa.


pg 66

Though words can become deeds. If said in the right place and at the right time, they can move mountains and change the world. Also, uh-huh, not knowing what you're doing - separating deeds from the words that define them- was apparently becoming an acceptable excuse. To say, "i didn't mean it" was to erase meaning from your misdeeds, at least...



hmmm. now that is sum food for thought.




adioz.




P/S: to that soul who is tagging anonymously at my tag board as admirer, i hope u would stop it pretty soon. i dun quite appreciate it. thanks.

girls

i got this off an email. i thought it was pretty true.





this is really sweet...

> > When a Girl is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind.

> > When a Girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.

> > When a Girl looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.

> > When a Girl answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at allfine.


> >When a Girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.

> > When a Girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

> > When a Girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.

> > When a Girl says ' I love you ' ... she means it.

> > When a Girl says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.

> > Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person

....

> > Find a Guy . who calls you beautiful instead of hot. who calls you back when you hang up on him.

> > who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who ...

> >> > kisses your forehead.

> > Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who

> > holds your hand in front of his friends.




> > Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.





adioz.

its been 25 days!

its been 25 days since i last blogged. gawd.
well ntg new, sch and its assignments. tests. oh well. week break is of no use. just the usual. tuition. less focus.

i am borrrreeeddd. bored of the order tho it is so very necessary. the lack of time cos of the busy schedule. aaargh. its getting into my head. but i am loving it anyway


i am thinking lately.

alot.

some things just dun change.

and let me tell u another thing.

shree will not.



adioz.

forgetting the past?

maybe i was just wrong abt growing pains just pertaining to kids alone. looks like it has struck me too.

after certain things have happened in my life, i now know that one can believe wrongly and completely be made to believe somethings whic are not entirely true.

growing up while reliving the past at every other minute of ur life is not exactly growing up. Knowing quite my tendencies of not letting go of my past and holding onto them does not quite make me a very happy person. Right from my childhood pillow which i am still keeping to every minute detail of appa's funeral, from my pre-teen friends i still long to talk to to getting fed by amma and my teenage love;
nothing quite seemed to have moved on.

this does not make me a grown person and even so literally haha. and when PMS returns all goes haywire again. this is so damn sucky i muz admit.

i have learnt quite a bit these past two days. That people change and i muz accept it. No matter how much free time requires me to think and be happy about the supposed better past, it actually makes no sense. Btw, i wonder why i get all these reflective moments but dun have the strength to do anything proper abt it!

My entire vision of who i aim and will probably end up to be is not quite different from many. A good-paying job, a house of my own, at least two degrees in hand blah blah blah. But there is one aspect that is definitely gonna b different.

*****

Some dear of mine had asked me why i had not blogged abt me getting scolded on monday. well for the pleasure of u Vita, let me embarass myself!!

well amma had wanted me to get up early on monday morn because of her morn chores- fetching keertan from sch , gg to the market and cooking lunch etc. i also had had sch at 12. but the lazy me had woken up so late that mum's efficiency was halted and she cld not quite do many things ( well for some reasons.) i got SCOLDING from her later. well yes i did. cos after i woke up i rushed to iron my clothes and wat not. amma was just infuriated.

oh well. i am still sucha a baby anyway :P


இச்சை கொண்ட பொருளெல்லாம் இழந்துவிட்ட போதிலும்
அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்பதில்லையே

*****
the truth that is not longer true.

adioz.

Repercussions it is called.

Repercussions it is called.

Today in the shower, I stood there, teary-eyed and the cold water trickled down from my head. I wanted this so badly I know. Prayed everyday for it. Cried in the nights. Stayed fearful for the subsequent days that were to come by. And now when the breeze started flowing my way... everything vanished together with it...

So lets just see. The dreams are coming back? Those tears too? Fears? Prayers for sumone who din care?

The psychotic effect? Suicidal attempts? Lies outta fear?
So I am supposed to let go? And say yes. And ruin all that I have planned and promised myself this year.

Wat abt getting ready to do things in solitude? Wat abt psyching up oneself to be ready to see life ahead as a challenge that needs to be taken up alone and without anyone’s interference?

Do memories have forms? If only they had, I wld have burnt them completely. And washed the ashes in the sea. But memories are stubborn. Just like me. Annoying like u. Persistent like problems. And as each one makes its appearance in my mind, I take them fondly and mother them...feeding them with pain and carrying them in my heart... just like I did to u once. But like how all of that stopped, these have to stop too... right?

When I stepped out of my shower, I was silently wishing to see a sms from u in my phone, which I had thot was kept in the room while I was bathing. Thats when I realised that the enadhuyire song that had been playing throughout my hr-long shower was actually playing from my cyber-shot.


See this is wat I told u. U fucking drive me nuts.

its been so long since i blogged- once again. got loadsa things to let out. this blog nvr fails to be my outlet and catharsis and i m glad it is. i aint gonna make another announcement to tell big mouths to shut up and stop gossipping abt this blog.cos hell i dun care anymore if anyone should fail to shut their shit-filled gap.

1. growing pains.
so the new academic yr started for many. seeing my nephew start his 2nd yr in primary school, i wonder if i went thru such growing pains. haha. he loves school. but i feel he has so much to learn. assessmennt and tuition. i rmbr not having tuition till sec sch and nvr really had to study everyday afta sch. even the day b4 PSLE, i was watching PCK private limited! wahaha.

2.my first day of this sem
trust me i was one happy kid. haha. i simply cun wait to get back to school and start my nonsense. but of cos, i still have not started my revision for all the work that has been done in two weeks. sighz.

3.jack of all trades; master of none
listening to girish sir tells me sumth that i can nvr quite adhere to... he chooses to focus and excel in one - his dance. thats his passion and almost everything or rather the only thing he has. but he is excellent in it. i am just quite the total opposite.i put my feet into everything i wanna try. salsa, yoga, dance, singing, studying blah blah blah. and i like em all of cos. but i cannot exist without being myself and neither can girish be putting his feet into everything. the passion differs and neither is one lower than the other nor more supreme. its another perspective and oddly, the bizzare walks of life many stray into.

4.solitude
i am adamant of the fact that i know myself far better than anyone else. and this my reflective nature can attest to. i suddenly once told jaish that the more friends one has in life, there is a greater possibility for one to stray away from their goals and aims in life. my opinion of this is simple. u tend to spend more time with them, and for sumone like me, i surely wld try to. and if u wanna be persnickety abt being goal-driven,u choose to neglect unnecessary trouble and relationships which ultimately try to invade into ur time and life's balance. so the best way is to keep limits and focus. Even Dr.Black agreed. its time to turn dreams into reality.


5.odd

its odd how life plays with u. i am utterly shocked at my life's progresses and events so far this yr. one thing, retribution surely plays its role too well and do i even need to speak of karma. furthermore, it is appalling to see returning relationships- old friends and memories... its definitely nice to stay by and ask to be rooted and soaked in them once again. but hell, the whole world moves on and if u dun, u wld be left behind! maybe its the age to struggle btw teenagehood and adulthood. just like according to the author of The Little Prince, to be an undesired adult or a simple child. hmmm. i chose to re-read this book after 6 yrs. and it definitely opens my eyes. (though i still think he lied that its a book for kids, cos i feel its a total satire of adulthood)



btw, pertaining to whateva happened ysty night and today morn, i just think that sum ppl just deserve it.



நல்ல முத்துச் சுடர் போலே நிலாவொளி முன்பு வரவேணும் - அங்குக்
கத்தும் குயிலோசை சற்றே வந்து காதிற் படவேணும் - என்றன்
சித்தம் மகிழ்ந்திடவே நன்றாய் இளந்தென்றல் வரவேணும்


adioz.

the new year is here

the year has started. workload is piling. i think i am one wierdo. cos having no work to do can drive me crazy. as much as i tell my friends i wanna be a housewife much much later in my life, i know i wun be. hahaha.

sch is gonna start! yey! was sick the past four days. damn. i lost my voice one night. hell. i was croaking la!! btw i am planning a new lit portfolio. gotta get it all started. tt is gonna take me such a long time to get it completely done.

been listening to sum old sch music the past week. kills me. btw i think naresh iyer's voice is friggin' nice in mayilirage. waaa i will marry anyone who can sing exactly like him!!

its 2 am and i m sooo slpy. but i wanna stay awake so that i can watch this 80s movie at 3am. i have relief in the morn so i am prob gonna drag my feet to sch and tuition after that w/o an inch of sleep. but hell, such chinna chinna aasaigal make up life.

talking about life, i get reminded of death. today i had to attend 3 funerals, outta which i only attended 2. two were my distant uncles and one was my Jak's grandma; makkal i used to call her. sighz. i personally hate to attend funerals. dunno y. one of my aunts was actually telling me abt how she makes sure that she attends all the funerals she has to.cos according to her it is very impt that she pays her last respects. i dun have a problem with that of cos; just that i hate the very ritual of sending off a person, and sending off sumone is definitely a sad affair, which i obviously dun wish to face.

next, i aint a big fan of vijay anytime. but this video below definitely gets me awed by his infallible dance talent. i think asin did a fabulous job as well. i guess wat attracts me the most to this clip is the chemistry shared btw the two stars. and of cos, the song itself too.






adioz.

new yr

yey the new yr is here!!

to all, have a gr8 yr ahead!cant wait fr sch to start so that i can go back to all that studying and working hard!

adioz.