awaiting 2008

hmmm. i am super tired after work. but i wanna tire myself out even more so that i dun dream. cos everytim i dream, i get nightmares. of u. promise.
i have pushed u far away. yet u bug the fuck outta me. i hate this. and i guess it wun take me long to go down the hate-road towards u.

i am eagerly awaiting 2008. i have so many thing to do and i just pray all will materialise. yupz. sch, work, dance, paatu, and wat not - enuff to keep mt occupied, outta danger and a single bird. frankly i dun wan any responsibilities to tie me down. except for all that i have to serve my family, i guess i take no liabilty in anyone else's life anymore.

btw i am feeling gd. and a lot lot better. its been lovely 'waking' up after shit six months and its even more lovely to wake up in the afternoons! (mum i hope u understand this). damn i am nvr a morn person. if only the day begin at 12 p.m.

well well shree better go now. and i rmbr my four new yr resolutions.

1. W*****
2. S*****
3. M****
4. better grades


adioz.

if u were dead, we wun haf to pay this much

i'm back. like only half an hr ago. quickly took my shower and i seriously wanna blog. need this outlet badly.

i am feeling so fucked up. the trip to Cameroon was ok. ntg fantastic there honestly. the weather was chilly. and i loved to slp thr. din quite shop also.

there was a traffic jam on the way back. i seriously wanted to blog so much. but wateva that happened mins ago has made me chock. CB.

looks like the only way to live life is to live for urself. i guess its enough. if after this i still dun wake up to reality, then my downfall is entirely up to me.

everything is climbing up my head. enough if enough.

have some pride gal. respect urself.


else look into the mirror and spit at ur face.

holiday

hey peeps.

i am away on a holiday from xmas nite till coming sat morn.

so pls do not contact me on my hp yeah.do not wish to bring it along with me.

Merry Merry Xmas to one and all.

Huggies.

adioz.

fab msged me

a lil' surprise came my way today.
unexpected but well, i held it in my heart special. and this just means more hurt is on its way.

well, i was watching this dance show today, on sun tv. well u guys know wat it is. there were so many cock-ups in that show la. alamak. and u know, sum stuff were just totally unfair. like they played tamil songs for the mauritius team who obviously had no idea wat song they were dancing for. singapore did gd n i m proud of u guys! after hady mirza n all tht fame for my motherland is making me one arrogant citizen!

well the headache is getting me so irritated but hell, i cant do anyth abt it!

haha well bala,praba,miru,and hema are here and we are all gonna sit down and slack!!



adioz.

grounded. and it sucks

i am grounded and it sucks. i m feeling so fucked up. altho i am super broke, i din even ask them for money. and the best part is everyone is gg out.

i hate this.

in btw smth that made me smile.
esp the last part.

and i feel like doing the same thing to u.





i fucking need to let my devil scream.


aaaaaaaaargh.

i rmbr i rmbr

my 100th post
dedicated to u.



i rmbr i rmbr...

i rmbr i rmbr everything that had happened btw us
i rmbr i rmbr all those times i fed u
i rmbr i rmbr the time u fought with me cos i din feed u
i rmbr i rmbr the days we drove up to the beach and ate breakfast in the car waiting for our workdays to start
i rmbr i rmbr u used to fetch me after temple and not start driving till i smear the holy ash on ur forehead
i rmbr i rmbr the times u stole away from ur camp just to fetch me and meet up for lunch
i rmbr i rmbr the day u locked me outta ur room just cos u were angry
i rmbr i rmbr the sms u sent me saying that i'd make a fantastic wife and u wanted to start a family with me
i rmbr i rmbr the time u fought with me in the morn and surprised me minutes later in the train
i rmbr i rmbr u brought me to ur friend's death anniversary prayers but left me in the car crying after a fight cos u din want to explain to ur friends who i was
i rmbr i rmbr u saying tat i was an embarassment to u cos i had put on weight
i rmbr i rmbr watching u sleep all those hours and how u'll wake up smiling cos u were jus happy to see me there watching u sleep
i rmbr i rmbr i surprised u one morn by appearing at ur doorstep and u were grinning ear-to-ear
i rmbr i rmbr u wetting ur hair again after u had forgetfully dried it after ur shower cos u wanted me to dry it for u
i rmbr i rmbr u complaining on the phone in the wee hours saying that u cun cycle/climb/swim and all that extreme sports with me
i rmbr i rmbr u saying that there were many out there for u and u just had to choose whoever u wanted but u chose to do me a favour by being with me
i rmbr i rmbr u said that ur parents were gg to be surprised upon seeing me cos i was not that model/tall/super hot gf like ur ex-gfs.
i rmbr i rmbr u refusing to answer my calls and made me wait under ur block for two hrs b4 the day u went to KL and the next day u msged me saying that u were upset i din meet u
i rmbr i rmbr u deleted the 1000-over smses we had sent each other in the 1st mth n u kept the nasty ones so that u will rmbr those harsh moments
i rmbr i rmbr the way u fully trusted me and nvr suspected/questioned me
i rmbr i rmbr u telling me that u rather die den to lose me. yes i still have that sms
i rmbr i rmbr u saying that u will love me from wherever u are should u only have 15 mins to live. have that sms too
i rmbr i rmbr u writing to me from ur course, saying every other day u wished u were back in my arms
i rmbr i rmbr how u,annoyed, called me a chatterbox and 'apparently had a lot to say' after not talking to u for a month
i rmbr i rmbr u following me to Hindi class and the subsequent ones u went for was cos u had to go and it was no longer for shree cos she was already urs
i rmbr i rmbr for one of the hindi classes u decided to be really sweet and came right after my class ended just to send me back home altho u din go for it
i rmbr i rmbr i came smiling up to ur room the first time ur dad spoke to me - and that was almost after a mth i knew them
i rmbr i rmbr u scolded me late one night just cos i asked u to go out with me tt wkend
i rmbr i rmbr u did not call me after u returned from ur one and a half month course and made me cry the whole nite and u refused to answer my calls and lied to me the next day that u did msg me
i rmbr i rmbr the day u left for ur course ur parents and sister were speaking to me abt how much they loved ur ex gf who cheated on u and ran away.
i rmbr i rmbr the day ur dad scolded me on the fone cos i wanted to see ur mum n clean ur room and told me not to go to ur place... all after u left
i rmbr i rmbr the front-row yogi-b concert tickets u bought for me n i thoroughly enjoyed the show while missing u badly cos u cun make it
i rmbr i rmbr u told me u completely had no time for me but u had time to update ur facebook/friendster and wat not.
i rmbr i rmbr u told my bro first that u had gotten ur ranger badge when i had prayed for u and ur safety all the days u were at ur course and i had to find out tt u passed thru him
i rmbr i rmbr u dropped me off at a busstop near ur granny's place cos u wanted to end it all and later came back to fetch me
i rmbr i rmbr we fought on the streets at tampines just cos my friend passed u food in a container u din like, which had totally ntg to do with me and later to make it up to me, u brought me to Delifrance and bought me my favourite bread pudding.
i rmbr i rmbr all the sinful desserts we indulged in and the gulab jamun moments which i swear i will nvr forget
i rmbr i rmbr u waking me up at 3.45am to tell me u ended work and indirectly told me u wanted to meet me by saying u had ntg to do. and u waited at my door.tt nite u took back ur clothes that i had kept with me throughout the period u were away and u were angry tt i had not washed them - cos i smelled them day and nite and even cried over them cos i had missed u.
i rmbr i rmbr the day u told me i was too dependent on u and that u were moving on
i rmbr i rmbr i saw myself weak on the chair and my chest all tightening cos i cld not accept the rejection and i started to beg u till u refused to reply to my msges
i rmbr i rmbr i called up my friends for help and they called me a weakling
i rmbr i rmbr i gave myself just two mins to end the two-month wait for u and snap myself outta this dangerous game


there is a lot more i rmbr i rmbr my dear heart.
i fatefully and faithfully walk down memory lane every other day.
and as the heart refuses to forget and ache for u,
i just choose to move ahead forcefully.

i am half-hearted abt turning back the clock tho.
i just wish that one day for jus one moment... u will turn back and...


maybe smile abt wat had happened...



a rollercoaster ride it was.

adioz.

lesson learnt. fabian is over.

i apologise that my blog has been dormant for a long time. i had a restriction on it, as i supposedly revealed too much. now that the restriction is off, shree is free to express her thoughts.

and yes that means that i will swear to myself that truth eventually knocks down ur door to let u know that its u i am blogging abt today. and even if it hurts ur eyes to see it all, too bad. badmouth me all u wan. its my life. and mine to decide.

well the past six months has taught me lessons. firstly, dun let dogs enter an open house. next, if u have plans to do smth, do it! thirdly, when sumone makes u feel super dooper low abt urself, forget it. just walk out.

when i mean plans, i shd be in india now, studying since July, Loyola college. but hell.

point is, i nvr saw myself so low. and weak. it was depressing. every min of it. yes it takes two hands to clap. but when u realise its ur mistake, and try to rectify it, and the other party isn't willing, screw it. i kept thinking of effort. of promises made. of making a difference. bt i was thinking wrong. completely.

depression. din help. and it screwed me up even badly. and sumone just comes up to u and says, "snap outta it" , " u have a prob and tts not my prob" (or along those lines) like wat the fuck? u said i was an embarrassment. problematic. emo. unstable. yet u ate off my hands. but u know wat, i wun forget all tt happened. very positively. i rmbr everyth tt happened. and its all here to stay. i am still happy it all did work... at least it did.

looking back, i guess i knew it all along. just tt i was stubborn. i mean who all warned me. who all said no. how many times did i fight just cos i was stubborn? and even den, i held on. held on. just cos i believed. wrongly tt is. but i am this way with anth/anyone else. just wanna be stubborn. and wanna hold on.

status quo now is - i have decided to let it all go. n nvr turn back. its soooo scary. i nvr have been afraid like this b4. all that happened. sighz. lessons learnt. and its funny. all it takes is the mind. to do it all for myself. no longer for anyone else.

call me selfish. yes stubborn. i just believe in fighting and gg to extremes to get wat i want. i suppose that is my weakness and strength after all. one person in my life is not gonna determine who i am. who the fuck are u to judge?

and of cos i play a major major role in all that mess in my life. i accept it all. i did it to myself and got it all for myself. i liked it. loved it. but it was not meant for me. and God, u pulled me thru wat i thought i nvr cld go thru.

so u r still in my prayers. and so are u, u and u. and all that stupid excuses i need not hear anymore. cos i know the moment u said u are moving on, i saw it. i was the loser, and i admit it humbly.

i aint gonna call u names. no bastard. no SOB. ntg. chey such words wun come out. and so will the 'na' , 'bhuddha' , 'bee' and 'old man'. nope. all gone. with the wind.

this has been a huge ego hit now tat i think abt it. but to think i lost it to the one i truly loved at that time seems all okay. we have seen worse. and i just believe that there is definitely a reason. all i await now is the yr to end; to start afresh and to learn from all the mess u and i did in our lives.

regrets? yes and no. i am lucky i tell u. i almost made a big mistake. there is no room for turning back. and altho i begged till the last second to hold on (like literally), maybe its just good u din agree. thanks.

nw i wanna see u walk down that road all by urself and i will be right here behind u. right here behind u. watching. silently. just doing that n ntg else.

like how one of my frens once said,

one day when u wake up and realise that u need me, i will wake up beside sumone who already knew.

i aint sad. well no longer. i am gd. and strong. u saw too much of that weakened shree. that lady who disintegrated infront of u. nah. cannot la mike. and funny how i went back to sumone else to sort out my feelings. and i need to. i feel better. its my right to be.

and so the flame has been ignited again.( not to burn u like how once u feared wahahaha) and like how i din wan it at all den, and u made ur way thru my life, i aint gonna allow all that anymore with anyone else. till i fully see myself ready, den i will allow my life n love to be one all over again.

on a lighter note, shree has gotten rid of that one burden. all free.wahahaha

and like how i always do, i hate to mention names. no one is eva gonna know who this person is. but i am sorry if u catch me serving slumberland... and u hear me say,
"oh, Fabian..."

ooopz.

here's Shree for u.

Woman by birth; Bitch by choice.

adioz.

ACJC

To everyone who went to ACJC at least once in their lives.
♥

You know you're from ACJC when..

- You have the hottest guys/girls in town
- Almost half of your friends speak Chinese worse than AngMo
- You have to deal with such a thing called "swim pe"
- Your pants is hanging on to your butt like it's holding on to dear life
- Your skirt is a mini-skirt... Plus your shirt is never tucked in but you pretend it is
- It takes you 18 years to realize the majority listen to Chinese music
- From time to time you get a sense that any good address should end with the phrase "The Best is Yet to Be"
- You and your friends go crazy when a turtle car scoots into view.
- You have a principal say "DONCH" all the time.... Lim H.... S...n.
- You start running out of class once your friends start singing "Happy Birthday", then you find yourself in the pool naked after they catch you
- You feel like telling Gurmit to shove the $10 (fine for stepping on the track) up his ass.
- You think Jimmy Tong is a hero.
- Potential councilors campaign by promising to ensure that there will be a constant supply of toilet paper in the girl’s toilet
- You HAVE to alter your skirt, or you're not cool and people laugh at you.
- When other people give you funny looks when you say the coolest place is the void deck.
- You call the stands, the bleachers.
- When u ignore the rumors about the western stall auntie refrying her soggy fries in yesterdays' already black oil and queue up anyway cause its the shortest queue in the canteen.
- You understand what's Wan Way and Lenn Way's Link
- You meet your friends at the Smiley to go to Holland V for Haagen-Dazs
- you don't have to retake Chinese even if you got less than A2
- I can ask you if she's really the RJC prom queen and you know exactly who I'm talking about
- When you rejoice and jump up and down in LT4 after receiving a C6 for Chinese, shouting "thank you Lord!" and see people running towards you with congratulatory hugs
- When you start lining up for the free parent-cooked/ Mrs.Tan-cooked dinners at 5.30 during exam periods
- Red, Blue and Gold start becoming your favourite colors
- When you actually miss chapel, and When you actually expect to hear Majulah Singapura every morning in perfect acapella harmony.
- No, it's not a $10 fine for walking on the track anymore. by (2003/2004) it was RUN TEN ROUNDS around the track. A group of guys from my batch actually had to, in full school uniform.
- When you just have to study in school during exams even though it's damn noisy and you have to shove your iPod into your ears all the time.
- You think that your school uniform is cooler with the shirt than the yellow PE T-shirt.
- You know that "mass pe" is just a cover for "mass suicide".
- You know the "ham-sum" joke.
- You know you're from ACJC when you hear "Mass PE" and cower in fear ;)
- When u don't bat an eyelid when people call you snob or rich kid...
- When you think a 4-minute cab ride to Holland Village is perfectly acceptable and commonly practised!
- You have climbed down the side of the school near the canteen, through the fence behind the tennis courts or conned the guard with fake mc 'cause you're late
- You never wish to trade your time there for anything else! You shudder to think that you could have been at any other junior college!
- When you clamour for all the school-based shirts (the AC shirt, the polo, the house shirts, the CCA shirts) but they're all sold out way too fast. :(
- You leave a mountain of Hacks sweet wrappers at the back of every Lecture Theatre you enter..
- You know where the Champions Table is
- When its the best 3 years of your life...
- You wanted a pink slip to zhao class... or was it the blue slip?
- You just can't stop drinking Milo!
- You have to take GP tests after being given tonnes of newspaper articles to read and mug... though we had often made use of "peer marking" to help ourselves to pass w/o reading a single shread of news.
- We have our prelims scheduled extremely early compared to the rest of the other JCs.. AUGUST?!?!
- You have to hide/run away from Bangla workers instead of teachers in an attempt to 'pontang' school
- You're in town with your classmates "selling FUN-O-RAMA tickets in our secondary schools"
- You don't mind being seen in Orchard Road with your school uniform - its the coolest in Singapore after all.
- The words "Raffles", "RJ", "RI", or anything of the sort, are either preceded, or followed, (or even both), by several expletives in a variety of languages and dialects.
- You start your morning with the words "Mari kita, 1, 2 sing..."
- You remember the school dogs named "Milo, Horlicks, Teh, Kopi, Cookies & Cream".. Heard that they got cooked and eaten by the Bangladesh workers????? :(
- Your English Literature teacher makes you and the whole class scream "PENNNNNNNNISSSSSS" at the top of your voice (Volpone)
- You enter through the front gate, wave a merry goodbye to doting parents, and scoot out of the back gate on your way to bum at Orchard the likes. Lessons, assembly etc all bypassed (applies to the pre-renovated building batch)
- You find that you own more than one of the following ACJC apparel or accessories: T-shirt, windbreaker, sweater, socks, towel, file, pencil, post-it notes, car windscreen shades, umbrella, (the list goes on...)
- You’re always hounded by current students to purchase Fun-O-Rama tickets; and then spend them on the previously mentioned items above...
- When you call the short bearded cleaner MARIO, and the Security Guard SADDAM.
- B-efore Saddam, the previous Security Guard was called LUIGI.
- You know that a SCone is not a fruitcake
- When the name Goh Tiong Gee (sp?) rings a bell...
- You're actually proud of your uniform (esp in comparison to some who had to wear green flaire skirts even in JC)
- When you know where the hocks, ruggers, swimmers and other cca tables are.
- When you understand what the word "candeck" means.
- When you certainly don't drive Mers on a lease


courtesy of Facebook group ACJC