yatra is finally over. this is probably one of the last few times i am gonna utter that word, at least for this year. on my part, it was a success evidently.
sch started like 4 weeks ago. n here i am,having just finished two wks of sch for all my modules. week 5 starts tmr. i still haven gotten off the resting/lazing mode. n i have a gd number of tuitions n navarathiri.
thing is i am really troubled. first things first, i was coaxed by my parents to go for a karoke singing comp today. i managed to persuade my campus-mate to follow me n sing a duet as well. as usual, i screwed up. i feel super bad for him. not only that, i have a burning anger within me.
WhyTF am i screwing up? my 6th yr in paatu is ending. i have performed in temples, n when ppl get me to sing, i seemingly and so-called get their wows. but when i go for a competition, all screws up. i will NOT blame my nervousness for this. i do get it too when i debate, but i pull that one off well. even during exams. den wat abt singing... i do it every damn day when i am eating and when i am shitting and when i am dreaming. why the hell do i go off pitch at all the impt points and screw up like this??
as my msn nick explains, my shruthi box lost its meaning today. i din have to go off key. i simply cun get it. the best part, i din even know. i dunno wat is wrong with my ears. i am partially deaf due to all that blasting of ear-pieces that sumtimes i dun even know that i am screaming.
and of cos, when has stubbornness not caused me problems?? i simply refuse to sing at sumone else's pitch and imitate voices. that is not wat karnatic teaches me.
i feel that my voice has conformed to karnatic all these yrs that i simply REFUSE to imitate sumone else's voice n sing. its just not right. that is not wat my sangeeth teaches me. so how the hell do i explain this to ppl? i prefer to sing at my own shruthi. at the end of the day when i sit in front of a crowd and start my arangetram(debut), i fucking cant/dun/won't have a bloody playback going on at the back of my head. its my fucking own voice and the shruthi box. and this is far more important to me than any competition ever.
apart from this, i have a lot of academic worrying to do. looks like this sem is not gonna be easy. and i gotta work my ass off till its sore. seems like i have heaps of travelling to do. plus reading. plus my classes and of cos mid-terms. i cant screw up yet again.
and the fact that u see me no longer the same... the wound is repeated made sore by everything i hear from ur mouth.
i wish i cld scream n scream. i wanna hear the screams of my own devil. i prefer to now hang onto my silence and dwell alone.
at the end of the day, i just hope to die at God's feet, my degree(s) at hand and sangeeth still playing in my heart...
adioz.
உன்னை என்னை கேட்டுகிட்டா காதல் நெஞ்சை தட்டுச்சு???