After so many years, i took my Holy Bible and went to the Psalms section, and prayed.
Prayed hard. Begged.
It seems that only immediate divine intervention would help me.
Else, i have smth up my sleeve that would make me regret and regret every single moment of life in future.
Please.
.
.
.
.
.
adioz.
:: look into your heart ::
:: hear it speak ::
:: listen ::
:: hear it speak ::
:: listen ::
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
the tears this nite
the tears came this nite. kept away from it for almost three wks but it returned. and tt too when i was trying to slp.
my biological clock has been upset. i now slp in the day and stay up all nite, usually in sch, to study. the number of productive hrs is another issue altogether.
am counting down. 10 more days b4 i make my way to india. cant wait.
i seriously wanna slp now. but i fucking cant. i am so angry with myself.
eva since i got wet in the rain, i know i am gonna fall sick. but i am controlling it so much. n today as i lay in bed, the usual baby-me came out as i felt so feverish. the shree to be damn maanja and attn seeking. sighz. i wonder if i will grow out of it.
i think we smtimes just cannot move away from ppl who are sooo annoying. sum just test u to see if we care for them. sum use means and ways to seek ur attn, and altho failing terribly, they still do it, thru underhand means. sum r even better. they expect u to beg. n to show tt u care. and show tt u r there. but refuse to reciprocate. stubborn. another category is when u urself dun bother, have no time for them and when u get all guilty and apologise, they act oblivious like as tho they din curse u behind ur back. in these four classifications - u r in one of it. dun bother doubting that.
the skepticality of simple life, of mere existence and of sheer pleasure has become such a common feature of uncommon reality-checks. and when doubts get planted, confidence just shatters and fear of failure settles in.
just a little note to u.
no matter hw skeptical u have been; and unwilling as well, let me assure u smth. there have been a million doubts planted here as well. there is a huge fear of failure in me too. but putting that at the back of my head, i am moving forth. with hope and more hope. cos i believe and believe. and will live to see my dreams come true. and will not let u down in the due process, but strive to prove what i have promised u. i dun give up easily. strong-headed. u know it as much.
well so, my lids are slightly heavy now. drowsy. eyes are closing. lids wanting to hug each other. i shan interfere. wanna hit the couch. only way to wake up to study later. i have u to accompany me thru my dreams. and my lil baby pillow to give me that security. sounds perfect.
one last note.
to that F annoying swine who has tried to screw my tagboard to be as ugly as ur fuggly ass, dun bother anymore.
ur IP has been tracked.
adioz.
my biological clock has been upset. i now slp in the day and stay up all nite, usually in sch, to study. the number of productive hrs is another issue altogether.
am counting down. 10 more days b4 i make my way to india. cant wait.
i seriously wanna slp now. but i fucking cant. i am so angry with myself.
eva since i got wet in the rain, i know i am gonna fall sick. but i am controlling it so much. n today as i lay in bed, the usual baby-me came out as i felt so feverish. the shree to be damn maanja and attn seeking. sighz. i wonder if i will grow out of it.
i think we smtimes just cannot move away from ppl who are sooo annoying. sum just test u to see if we care for them. sum use means and ways to seek ur attn, and altho failing terribly, they still do it, thru underhand means. sum r even better. they expect u to beg. n to show tt u care. and show tt u r there. but refuse to reciprocate. stubborn. another category is when u urself dun bother, have no time for them and when u get all guilty and apologise, they act oblivious like as tho they din curse u behind ur back. in these four classifications - u r in one of it. dun bother doubting that.
the skepticality of simple life, of mere existence and of sheer pleasure has become such a common feature of uncommon reality-checks. and when doubts get planted, confidence just shatters and fear of failure settles in.
just a little note to u.
no matter hw skeptical u have been; and unwilling as well, let me assure u smth. there have been a million doubts planted here as well. there is a huge fear of failure in me too. but putting that at the back of my head, i am moving forth. with hope and more hope. cos i believe and believe. and will live to see my dreams come true. and will not let u down in the due process, but strive to prove what i have promised u. i dun give up easily. strong-headed. u know it as much.
well so, my lids are slightly heavy now. drowsy. eyes are closing. lids wanting to hug each other. i shan interfere. wanna hit the couch. only way to wake up to study later. i have u to accompany me thru my dreams. and my lil baby pillow to give me that security. sounds perfect.
one last note.
to that F annoying swine who has tried to screw my tagboard to be as ugly as ur fuggly ass, dun bother anymore.
ur IP has been tracked.
adioz.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
after ps tut.infront of thiv
shree.is.in.sch.
smth is disturbing me.i dun quite know wad is it.
i jus hope its the high sugar content of red bull ysdty nite that is giving me this uncanny feeling. sum sorta trepidiation. well i did read abt heart palpitation as an effect of energy drinks. its taking its effect after 3 cans, of all days today.
am listening to ' அக்னி குன்சொன்று கண்டேன் ', composed by bharathi, sung by bombay jayashree. superb.
sumone pls explain to me abt my lil love affair with subramania bharathiar. smth abt him. makes me happy. smth abt his death (he was only 38). makes me wanna cry. smth abt his life. makes me sad. smth abt his supposed 'madness'. makes me excited. smth abt chellama. makes me jealous. smth abt ' அச்சமில்லை '. makes me strong. smth abt ' யாமறிந்த மொழிகளிலே '. makes me feel smarter. smth abt ' சுட்டும் விழி '.makes me fall in love. smth abt ' விட்டு விடுதலையாகி '.makes me feel free.
wanna fly and fly.
என் வசம் இரண்டடுக்கு ஆகாயம்...
just finished PS tutorial. sighs. i dunno if i am clearer or more blur. i am so vexed. and its awful knowing tt u have more to study when u just thought u had finished studying. aaaaaaarggh. i was itching so badly in the lecture theatre that i thought i wld scratch my skin apart. even my ears were itching! dammit. and i seriously have no idea what my sudden allergy to is. maybe its u.
i am feeling so bloody cold. sighs. i so need to be manjaa-ed. a bit the obvious. and i am such baby. but i guess its all abt the exams. when u wanna torture urself by studying so much and with such extreme actions (like how i cabbed home at four after studying my ass off in sch) and u just wanna be pampered all that fall out moments in btw. sighs. O levels were the easiest. After A's (which was a yr back dammit) uni exams just make it very clear to u that 24 hrs is insufficient and any amt of work u do is deemed inadequate. thr is no end to wat u can study. the more u do, the better. talk abt syllabus.
i am wierd. and i feel wired. and thr is this lack of current flowing thru.
மாதர் தம்மை இழிவு செய்யும்
மடமை யைக்கொ ளுத்துவோம்;
வைய வாழ்வு தன்னில் எந்த
வகையி நும்ந் மக்குளே
தாதர் என்ற நிலைமை மாறி
ஆண்க ளோடு பெண்களும்
சரிநி கர்ச மான மாக
வாழ்வம் இந்த நாட்டிலே.
ஆம். வாழ்வோம் இந்த நாட்டிலும். வாழ்க மஹாகவி. வாழ்க மங்கையர் குளம்.
smth is disturbing me.i dun quite know wad is it.
i jus hope its the high sugar content of red bull ysdty nite that is giving me this uncanny feeling. sum sorta trepidiation. well i did read abt heart palpitation as an effect of energy drinks. its taking its effect after 3 cans, of all days today.
am listening to ' அக்னி குன்சொன்று கண்டேன் ', composed by bharathi, sung by bombay jayashree. superb.
sumone pls explain to me abt my lil love affair with subramania bharathiar. smth abt him. makes me happy. smth abt his death (he was only 38). makes me wanna cry. smth abt his life. makes me sad. smth abt his supposed 'madness'. makes me excited. smth abt chellama. makes me jealous. smth abt ' அச்சமில்லை '. makes me strong. smth abt ' யாமறிந்த மொழிகளிலே '. makes me feel smarter. smth abt ' சுட்டும் விழி '.makes me fall in love. smth abt ' விட்டு விடுதலையாகி '.makes me feel free.
wanna fly and fly.
என் வசம் இரண்டடுக்கு ஆகாயம்...
just finished PS tutorial. sighs. i dunno if i am clearer or more blur. i am so vexed. and its awful knowing tt u have more to study when u just thought u had finished studying. aaaaaaarggh. i was itching so badly in the lecture theatre that i thought i wld scratch my skin apart. even my ears were itching! dammit. and i seriously have no idea what my sudden allergy to is. maybe its u.
i am feeling so bloody cold. sighs. i so need to be manjaa-ed. a bit the obvious. and i am such baby. but i guess its all abt the exams. when u wanna torture urself by studying so much and with such extreme actions (like how i cabbed home at four after studying my ass off in sch) and u just wanna be pampered all that fall out moments in btw. sighs. O levels were the easiest. After A's (which was a yr back dammit) uni exams just make it very clear to u that 24 hrs is insufficient and any amt of work u do is deemed inadequate. thr is no end to wat u can study. the more u do, the better. talk abt syllabus.
i am wierd. and i feel wired. and thr is this lack of current flowing thru.
மாதர் தம்மை இழிவு செய்யும்
மடமை யைக்கொ ளுத்துவோம்;
வைய வாழ்வு தன்னில் எந்த
வகையி நும்ந் மக்குளே
தாதர் என்ற நிலைமை மாறி
ஆண்க ளோடு பெண்களும்
சரிநி கர்ச மான மாக
வாழ்வம் இந்த நாட்டிலே.
ஆம். வாழ்வோம் இந்த நாட்டிலும். வாழ்க மஹாகவி. வாழ்க மங்கையர் குளம்.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
disturbed.
disturbed.
i dun quite get it. first everything looks very positive. and it is encouraged. and den suddenly all the hype gets lost. and everyone starts discouraging you.
its enuff. seriously its enuff. i have had it enuff. i am angry. not so angry but yes i am. its a bitter feeling.
i hate how whatever i say gets ignored. smtimes those times seem a lot better. altho it was lonely, it was better. in my cocoon, i was myself. and i din have much to do i think. lesser contact with the outside world. it was me to myself and no one else. i regret. stepping out tis yr.
i wanna go. i wanna go where i wanna go. peace. peace. its peace i seek. and whatever i seek is what i have always wanted.
yes i am stubborn. i have always been. but i do try to reason out. i believe in trying. even if i fails, i am glad i tried. and that failure is another step to success. else how do i experience life? even if it means to lose a limb, let me do it. let me try. its all already written up there. who are u to change it all? or fear that i will fall? why? let me pls.
i jus suddenly realised that the transition from one reserved and sheltered soul to an open and 'a-bit-more-aware' soul has made me feel so uncomfortable. so bloody F uncomfortable.
perturbed.
leave me alone pls.
to YOU. thr is smth in me u have not quite seen. and its so sad hw u dun get a chance to. but time ago, i made a promise to myself. right in front of the mirror, str8 into my eyes. and tt promise to myself, and to u as well for the matter-of-fact, stays. and when i mean it stays, dun even try to slaughter me to break it. u'll fail. and fall. u'll fall at the feet of the strength of my promise.
இச்சகத்துளோர் எல்லாம் எதிர்த்து நின்ற போதிலும்
அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்பதில்லையே
adioz.
i dun quite get it. first everything looks very positive. and it is encouraged. and den suddenly all the hype gets lost. and everyone starts discouraging you.
its enuff. seriously its enuff. i have had it enuff. i am angry. not so angry but yes i am. its a bitter feeling.
i hate how whatever i say gets ignored. smtimes those times seem a lot better. altho it was lonely, it was better. in my cocoon, i was myself. and i din have much to do i think. lesser contact with the outside world. it was me to myself and no one else. i regret. stepping out tis yr.
i wanna go. i wanna go where i wanna go. peace. peace. its peace i seek. and whatever i seek is what i have always wanted.
yes i am stubborn. i have always been. but i do try to reason out. i believe in trying. even if i fails, i am glad i tried. and that failure is another step to success. else how do i experience life? even if it means to lose a limb, let me do it. let me try. its all already written up there. who are u to change it all? or fear that i will fall? why? let me pls.
i jus suddenly realised that the transition from one reserved and sheltered soul to an open and 'a-bit-more-aware' soul has made me feel so uncomfortable. so bloody F uncomfortable.
perturbed.
leave me alone pls.
to YOU. thr is smth in me u have not quite seen. and its so sad hw u dun get a chance to. but time ago, i made a promise to myself. right in front of the mirror, str8 into my eyes. and tt promise to myself, and to u as well for the matter-of-fact, stays. and when i mean it stays, dun even try to slaughter me to break it. u'll fail. and fall. u'll fall at the feet of the strength of my promise.
இச்சகத்துளோர் எல்லாம் எதிர்த்து நின்ற போதிலும்
அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்பதில்லையே
adioz.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
usp interview and movie with hema
today was a funny day.
i had my USP interview at 5. luckily i was in sch cos i got called up earlier.
as usual, smth really wierd happened at the interview. haha u muz read this.
so i was greeted by Prof. Kang and Prof. Chrys. i hate to do this, but i have to else u wun understand the story fully. Prof. K is a chinese and Prof. C is an indian. k gg on, they had a bit of trouble pronouncing my name. So i told them how to. so suddenly, P.C(pardon me) goes, 'what's the meaning of ur name?' i told him that there was no direct translation and that 'jay' meant victory and 'shree' meant holy. [isn't it so?] then he goes on saying no and that only 'jaya' meant victory and not 'jay'. sighz. P.C and P.K soon went into a fit abt my name and i was just looking at them both. [now thats a super wierd thing to do at an interview!!!] and yupz. btw when i told this to my political science tutor, he went like, 'den wat abt "jai hind?"' well i din think abt that then. wasted.
next question was 'who is the indian cricket team's captain?'. i was shell-shocked okie. he later questioned my nationality and said that it was okie i din know, he even asked if my dad watches cricket!! hello. i know i am dying to go to yindia but hell, i am a true blue singaporean! luckily P.K came to my rescue n said that it was a rather wierd question to ask a local student.
and then he asked me, what was my race. i said indian. he said that indian was not a race. supposedly, there are only three races in the world. Caucasians, Mongolites and the Negros. P.C said that 'negros' is not a bad term cos its just referring to their colour. P.K was quick to add that it was actully referring to their hair and now they have accepted six more races into the list and was unsure if indian was one of them. He said he always filled in forms as 'others' and asked wat do i do. i said 'indian'. then he went,'No by looking at ur features, ur eyes and nose and all, u are caucasian'. RIGHT. okie.
so later he asked me, 'how many strands of hair do u have? how wld u gimme a rough estimate?' i was like ??????. yeah finaly after thinking and discussing with them, i just told him that i would grab a lil bunch since my hair is bunch-permed and counts the strands in it, den give an estimate abt the number of bunches. P.K. was nice enuf to say it was a satisfactory answer and P.C. nodded.
haha.well even if i dun get to the USP, this is one interview that i am gonna rmbr for a long time, just like the one at SMU. haha
so yupz later hema and i had an impromptu rendezvous. after much hassle in the train, we ended up watching Game Plan. pretty decent and funny. wahaha.
sighz. i am tired. but i guess all work and no play makes Jack the dull boy.
well at least it makes Shree the dull gal.
i am looking back. and i am so gonna grab this bit of the past that is hanging on. and den i know i will have no regrets. i cant wait and i will wait for that bit of the life that i have been missing. ntg tangible but smth i know will make me a better person.
adioz.
i had my USP interview at 5. luckily i was in sch cos i got called up earlier.
as usual, smth really wierd happened at the interview. haha u muz read this.
so i was greeted by Prof. Kang and Prof. Chrys. i hate to do this, but i have to else u wun understand the story fully. Prof. K is a chinese and Prof. C is an indian. k gg on, they had a bit of trouble pronouncing my name. So i told them how to. so suddenly, P.C(pardon me) goes, 'what's the meaning of ur name?' i told him that there was no direct translation and that 'jay' meant victory and 'shree' meant holy. [isn't it so?] then he goes on saying no and that only 'jaya' meant victory and not 'jay'. sighz. P.C and P.K soon went into a fit abt my name and i was just looking at them both. [now thats a super wierd thing to do at an interview!!!] and yupz. btw when i told this to my political science tutor, he went like, 'den wat abt "jai hind?"' well i din think abt that then. wasted.
next question was 'who is the indian cricket team's captain?'. i was shell-shocked okie. he later questioned my nationality and said that it was okie i din know, he even asked if my dad watches cricket!! hello. i know i am dying to go to yindia but hell, i am a true blue singaporean! luckily P.K came to my rescue n said that it was a rather wierd question to ask a local student.
and then he asked me, what was my race. i said indian. he said that indian was not a race. supposedly, there are only three races in the world. Caucasians, Mongolites and the Negros. P.C said that 'negros' is not a bad term cos its just referring to their colour. P.K was quick to add that it was actully referring to their hair and now they have accepted six more races into the list and was unsure if indian was one of them. He said he always filled in forms as 'others' and asked wat do i do. i said 'indian'. then he went,'No by looking at ur features, ur eyes and nose and all, u are caucasian'. RIGHT. okie.
so later he asked me, 'how many strands of hair do u have? how wld u gimme a rough estimate?' i was like ??????. yeah finaly after thinking and discussing with them, i just told him that i would grab a lil bunch since my hair is bunch-permed and counts the strands in it, den give an estimate abt the number of bunches. P.K. was nice enuf to say it was a satisfactory answer and P.C. nodded.
haha.well even if i dun get to the USP, this is one interview that i am gonna rmbr for a long time, just like the one at SMU. haha
so yupz later hema and i had an impromptu rendezvous. after much hassle in the train, we ended up watching Game Plan. pretty decent and funny. wahaha.
sighz. i am tired. but i guess all work and no play makes Jack the dull boy.
well at least it makes Shree the dull gal.
i am looking back. and i am so gonna grab this bit of the past that is hanging on. and den i know i will have no regrets. i cant wait and i will wait for that bit of the life that i have been missing. ntg tangible but smth i know will make me a better person.
adioz.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
missing fab.home alone.studying.
well well.
looks like some dimwits are there to annoy the hell outta me.
tho i do i have a rough idea who this mite be, i aint taking any chances.
so watch it. dun come questioning me why i aint got time for u. i mean if the hell ya so impt, gimme a ring and demand for time, or have guts enuff to state ur name. i will gladly oblige and answer u, if ya tt impt tt is.i am so pist man. if i am stuck on one particular person, well tts gd for me. and if i am stuck on schwork, hold and behold! even better. so WHAT IS UR DAMN PROBLEM??
screw off plz.
the past few days have been pretty productive is shd say. As Fab puts it, what other life-threatening issues have i got to settle other than to study? partially true eh. it makes me feel gd too. and yupz. i have been stuck on soya milk these past few days and a sudden craze for this old song.
yes its been pretty boring, hell but just 13 more days to my exams and 20 more days to the end of it all!
and yey!maybe to india after that... *whoooosh!*
btw i love the dance steps in machakaari song....aaah surya is so bloody hot. and watch him dance. haiz.
nenjukkul yethi kaladi satham ondru ketkirathey
looks like some dimwits are there to annoy the hell outta me.
tho i do i have a rough idea who this mite be, i aint taking any chances.
so watch it. dun come questioning me why i aint got time for u. i mean if the hell ya so impt, gimme a ring and demand for time, or have guts enuff to state ur name. i will gladly oblige and answer u, if ya tt impt tt is.i am so pist man. if i am stuck on one particular person, well tts gd for me. and if i am stuck on schwork, hold and behold! even better. so WHAT IS UR DAMN PROBLEM??
screw off plz.
the past few days have been pretty productive is shd say. As Fab puts it, what other life-threatening issues have i got to settle other than to study? partially true eh. it makes me feel gd too. and yupz. i have been stuck on soya milk these past few days and a sudden craze for this old song.
yes its been pretty boring, hell but just 13 more days to my exams and 20 more days to the end of it all!
and yey!maybe to india after that... *whoooosh!*
btw i love the dance steps in machakaari song....aaah surya is so bloody hot. and watch him dance. haiz.
nenjukkul yethi kaladi satham ondru ketkirathey
little india.youtube
today with almost everybody from amma's place, i went to little india for dinner and den to vivo for fun. it was good. and yupz. with the number of ppl telling me that i have put on weight, i was so conscious of wat i ate. and damn. i have lost weight quantitively but everybody thinks i have put on more weight. damn. i just think its the curls doing tt mean job. grrrr.
well anyway i am dying to watch Om Shanti Om. free anyone??? crap. with exams coming up, i feel like shopping, clubbing and watching movies. but yup. i suppose these will be my rewards for mugging my ass off. i promised myself its gonna be a two-way thing. and knowing the stubborn me, i will do it la. somebody control my temptations pls! haha.
so yupz. to all u NTU peeps, have gr8 fun with ur exam week.
btw, its really sweet that many of my old frens are suddenly getting back in contact.
surya looks bloody good in VEL.
i chanced upon this particular video on youtube which got me laughing my ass off. damn. its so stooopid i so cant take it. btw the name of the clip is tamil movie comedy (or smth along tt line)
k enuf of all tht random blogging.
gtg back to Plato's Republic.
uruvaakinaai athikaalaiyai
aagave nee yen vaazhvin mokshame...
adioz.
well anyway i am dying to watch Om Shanti Om. free anyone??? crap. with exams coming up, i feel like shopping, clubbing and watching movies. but yup. i suppose these will be my rewards for mugging my ass off. i promised myself its gonna be a two-way thing. and knowing the stubborn me, i will do it la. somebody control my temptations pls! haha.
so yupz. to all u NTU peeps, have gr8 fun with ur exam week.
btw, its really sweet that many of my old frens are suddenly getting back in contact.
surya looks bloody good in VEL.
i chanced upon this particular video on youtube which got me laughing my ass off. damn. its so stooopid i so cant take it. btw the name of the clip is tamil movie comedy (or smth along tt line)
k enuf of all tht random blogging.
gtg back to Plato's Republic.
uruvaakinaai athikaalaiyai
aagave nee yen vaazhvin mokshame...
adioz.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
dream come true
diwali came and went. just like that. it was a so-so thing. i guess i only can rmbr all the prep and housework that came along with it!!! and a little disappointment with fatigue too!
and so it was. fri was a day with wierd memories. and it looks like it is there to last. maybe. i woke up late and went down to sch. met thiv and did my work. wen to nuh to see an uncle and went back home. ntg special. back home, i was playing solitaire- much to the annoyance of thiv. but i knew for the reasons why i was playing it and i needed those reasons badly. as the night drew to an end, i thought abt father and cried quite a bit. den i went to bed. sulking away.
i thought of tis particular smth. closing the windows and getting ready to go to bed, i kept thinking of just one thing. and i made a silent wish. and i teared slightly as i made it. back in my room, i blasted my laptop with half the batt life and a special playlist was playing throughout the nite. i actually planned that my laptop shld die later on in the nite while i was aslp so that i din haf to wake up to switch it off. wanting to wake up early the next day as well, i put my phone on the loudest mode.
i held my pillow close to me. after mudhal mazhai, enadhuyire played. and akkam pakkam went on. i dozed off.
the next time i woke up, nenjinile was gg on in the backgrd. i grouchily went to my table and lowered the volume slightly. thinking of the little wish i had made, i smiled to myself and slowly drifted back to slumberland.
and then it happened. *go shorty, its ur bday...* my phone screamed with an incoming sms. *phoof* the next few smses and the two hrs after that...
it was all abt a wish that truly came true. much to my surprise.
with all that eagerness
with all that thunder and rain
with all that cold
and with all that mixed feelings
i rmbr i rmbr
the wish that came true.
thanks to u.
en vaasalil netru un vaasanai
nee nindra idam indru unarthean
and so it was. fri was a day with wierd memories. and it looks like it is there to last. maybe. i woke up late and went down to sch. met thiv and did my work. wen to nuh to see an uncle and went back home. ntg special. back home, i was playing solitaire- much to the annoyance of thiv. but i knew for the reasons why i was playing it and i needed those reasons badly. as the night drew to an end, i thought abt father and cried quite a bit. den i went to bed. sulking away.
i thought of tis particular smth. closing the windows and getting ready to go to bed, i kept thinking of just one thing. and i made a silent wish. and i teared slightly as i made it. back in my room, i blasted my laptop with half the batt life and a special playlist was playing throughout the nite. i actually planned that my laptop shld die later on in the nite while i was aslp so that i din haf to wake up to switch it off. wanting to wake up early the next day as well, i put my phone on the loudest mode.
i held my pillow close to me. after mudhal mazhai, enadhuyire played. and akkam pakkam went on. i dozed off.
the next time i woke up, nenjinile was gg on in the backgrd. i grouchily went to my table and lowered the volume slightly. thinking of the little wish i had made, i smiled to myself and slowly drifted back to slumberland.
and then it happened. *go shorty, its ur bday...* my phone screamed with an incoming sms. *phoof* the next few smses and the two hrs after that...
it was all abt a wish that truly came true. much to my surprise.
with all that eagerness
with all that thunder and rain
with all that cold
and with all that mixed feelings
i rmbr i rmbr
the wish that came true.
thanks to u.
en vaasalil netru un vaasanai
nee nindra idam indru unarthean
Saturday, November 10, 2007
its been four years dad
i can still feel the pain
i can still rmbr ur face
i can still hear yr words
i can still feel the hug u nvr gave me at the airport
i can still rmbr the last song u sang to me
i can still hear the way u cough
i can still smell the smoke of ur cigarette
i can still see ur face on ur death bed
i can still rmbr that green sari over ur body
i can still rmbr the way they brought u away
i can still feel the pain of losing u that very day
the tears are so fresh yet stale
fresh as they flow from my eyes like they did four yrs ago
stale as they are always there for u crying for u
i miss u appa. its been four yrs.
and i still cant accept this loss.
i just can't.
dun ask me to.
for as long as Shree lives, this one wound will be there to last.
adioz.
i can still rmbr ur face
i can still hear yr words
i can still feel the hug u nvr gave me at the airport
i can still rmbr the last song u sang to me
i can still hear the way u cough
i can still smell the smoke of ur cigarette
i can still see ur face on ur death bed
i can still rmbr that green sari over ur body
i can still rmbr the way they brought u away
i can still feel the pain of losing u that very day
the tears are so fresh yet stale
fresh as they flow from my eyes like they did four yrs ago
stale as they are always there for u crying for u
i miss u appa. its been four yrs.
and i still cant accept this loss.
i just can't.
dun ask me to.
for as long as Shree lives, this one wound will be there to last.
adioz.
Monday, November 05, 2007
the answers to my yesterdays
three outta five down. sighs. two more essays due on friday!!! *bleagh.
well. i got an email from jaish. sumhow it seems like the answers to my yestrdays; and i like it. and here it is.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
hmmm. thats pretty much a bit eh? but i guess its true. whether reason, season of lifetime, we shd treasure all.
and u. i wish ya gonna be there for a lifetime. really
adioz.
well. i got an email from jaish. sumhow it seems like the answers to my yestrdays; and i like it. and here it is.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
hmmm. thats pretty much a bit eh? but i guess its true. whether reason, season of lifetime, we shd treasure all.
and u. i wish ya gonna be there for a lifetime. really
adioz.
in amma's place
love makes and love breaks.
its funny how the intangible always take precedence in our lives.
well anyway,
i am in mum's place now. came for dad's prayers. the boys were such brats really. but cute. cute. cute.
i just wonder. why is it so easy for one to deviate from wat is to be done? its kinda silly and yet really sucky to know that u've just sidetracked and start pushing urself back on track.
it sucks. i have a philo essay due in 17 hrs and i have only prepared for it. gotta type it out and that means staying up the whole nite to do it. sighz. now ask me again why i am blogging?? i cant get my mind to start it. damn i am super tired.
this festive season is taking its toll on me. does not quite help that my mum is overly-enthu abt getting the house done. and i cant quite be too blase abt it right? and this only means by the time thurs comes, we all are dead-tired;fatigue-shot.
i have random thoughts running thru my head. and most of them is usually abt u. abt wat has happened. what is happening. and what is gg to happen. i m positive. and hopeful. every minute.
well life always takes shock trips and smtimes even unexpected short ones. to places whr we least expect to go to. and when our hearts takes a roadtrip, its bloody difficult to turn back. and to act as though u din go there in the first place is even more difficult. and yupz. and all that nonchalence and ignorance will get u no whr. but give u more and more heartache. and unpleasant stuff to face.
and so u see. being all ignorant and acting as though ur heart did not flutter is just being silly.
well enough of all these blogging. i gotta go back and screw my head with descartes.
விட்டு விடுதலையாகி நிற்பாய் இந்தச்
சிட்டுக் குருவியினைப் போலே
-mahakavi bharathiyaar
adioz
its funny how the intangible always take precedence in our lives.
well anyway,
i am in mum's place now. came for dad's prayers. the boys were such brats really. but cute. cute. cute.
i just wonder. why is it so easy for one to deviate from wat is to be done? its kinda silly and yet really sucky to know that u've just sidetracked and start pushing urself back on track.
it sucks. i have a philo essay due in 17 hrs and i have only prepared for it. gotta type it out and that means staying up the whole nite to do it. sighz. now ask me again why i am blogging?? i cant get my mind to start it. damn i am super tired.
this festive season is taking its toll on me. does not quite help that my mum is overly-enthu abt getting the house done. and i cant quite be too blase abt it right? and this only means by the time thurs comes, we all are dead-tired;fatigue-shot.
i have random thoughts running thru my head. and most of them is usually abt u. abt wat has happened. what is happening. and what is gg to happen. i m positive. and hopeful. every minute.
well life always takes shock trips and smtimes even unexpected short ones. to places whr we least expect to go to. and when our hearts takes a roadtrip, its bloody difficult to turn back. and to act as though u din go there in the first place is even more difficult. and yupz. and all that nonchalence and ignorance will get u no whr. but give u more and more heartache. and unpleasant stuff to face.
and so u see. being all ignorant and acting as though ur heart did not flutter is just being silly.
well enough of all these blogging. i gotta go back and screw my head with descartes.
விட்டு விடுதலையாகி நிற்பாய் இந்தச்
சிட்டுக் குருவியினைப் போலே
-mahakavi bharathiyaar
adioz
Saturday, November 03, 2007
let me be.
and so it was.
i went to the temple today. and prayed really hard.
i seem to know wat i really want. and i know that there is no guarantee that God will give u what u want just cos u pray hard. and its not as though i am such a divine soul. just pious. and God-fearing. and even this does not mean again that i always get what i want.
my point is. there is nothing guaranteed in life. anything that is urs now might be mine the next min; u just never know. wat may seem the world to u one sec may seem like ur feet's dust the very next. like how i was telling jaish that day, wat u deem good may not be good the next day and wat is good to u may not be good to me.
so does it mean anything to hold on to whatever we have now? why why such confusion? why are there changes? why is it that u must be all resilient to them? its not that i dun want to, i am just wondering why. Braba's MSN nick is abt change, and jaish i bet u understand this post better than me.
and change also means that u should not bank on anyth. and that also means that there is no sense of absoluteness in anything. and as such, why den do u have anything in the first place? if there is anything at all, den there is something. if there is something, den there is a sense of definition right?? so u will bank on it right? and that change as well?
i din mean to confuse anyone. this is my work for the next two days. its Rene Descartes. my philosophy essay. here's an excerpt.
"I will therefore suppose that all I see is illusion. I believe none of the things reported to me by lying memory ever happened. I have no senses at all. Body, shape, extension, movement and place are chimeras. What true thing is left? Perhaps just the one fact that nothing is certain.
But where do I get this knowledge that there is nothing else—nothing besides all these other things I have gone over- concerning which there cannot be the slightest grounds for doubt? Is there not a God—or whatever I may call him—who implants in me the thoughts I am now having? But why should I think so, since perhaps I myself may be the author of these thoughts? In that case am I not, at least, something? But I have just said that I have no senses and no body."
Descartes
Second Meditation
well i think philosophy is one helluva science. it gets me all confused yet clearer. if u were thinking i am one confused soul, well think again. perhaps u are one as well. but its all abt attaining that knowledge. we will always be confused. always be skeptical. but i guess its all abt the learning and the willingness.
and so here is shree. i am confused. yet i am willing to learn. even if it means to fall. and fall. and fall again. if i cant learn or refuse to, my life thus far would be meaningless. and so will the next moment be.
nah. i aint gonna let that happen.
adioz.
vaarthaiya ithu mounama
vaanavil verum saayama?
i went to the temple today. and prayed really hard.
i seem to know wat i really want. and i know that there is no guarantee that God will give u what u want just cos u pray hard. and its not as though i am such a divine soul. just pious. and God-fearing. and even this does not mean again that i always get what i want.
my point is. there is nothing guaranteed in life. anything that is urs now might be mine the next min; u just never know. wat may seem the world to u one sec may seem like ur feet's dust the very next. like how i was telling jaish that day, wat u deem good may not be good the next day and wat is good to u may not be good to me.
so does it mean anything to hold on to whatever we have now? why why such confusion? why are there changes? why is it that u must be all resilient to them? its not that i dun want to, i am just wondering why. Braba's MSN nick is abt change, and jaish i bet u understand this post better than me.
and change also means that u should not bank on anyth. and that also means that there is no sense of absoluteness in anything. and as such, why den do u have anything in the first place? if there is anything at all, den there is something. if there is something, den there is a sense of definition right?? so u will bank on it right? and that change as well?
i din mean to confuse anyone. this is my work for the next two days. its Rene Descartes. my philosophy essay. here's an excerpt.
"I will therefore suppose that all I see is illusion. I believe none of the things reported to me by lying memory ever happened. I have no senses at all. Body, shape, extension, movement and place are chimeras. What true thing is left? Perhaps just the one fact that nothing is certain.
But where do I get this knowledge that there is nothing else—nothing besides all these other things I have gone over- concerning which there cannot be the slightest grounds for doubt? Is there not a God—or whatever I may call him—who implants in me the thoughts I am now having? But why should I think so, since perhaps I myself may be the author of these thoughts? In that case am I not, at least, something? But I have just said that I have no senses and no body."
Descartes
Second Meditation
well i think philosophy is one helluva science. it gets me all confused yet clearer. if u were thinking i am one confused soul, well think again. perhaps u are one as well. but its all abt attaining that knowledge. we will always be confused. always be skeptical. but i guess its all abt the learning and the willingness.
and so here is shree. i am confused. yet i am willing to learn. even if it means to fall. and fall. and fall again. if i cant learn or refuse to, my life thus far would be meaningless. and so will the next moment be.
nah. i aint gonna let that happen.
adioz.
vaarthaiya ithu mounama
vaanavil verum saayama?
Friday, November 02, 2007
WHY MUST U SEE EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY LOVE?
LISTEN ALL.
this is one post filled with frustration and annoyance. and yet too with a alot of worry and sighz.
this is my blog. Yeah its SHREE's. i welcome anyone at my blog. read all u want. think all u want. tag all u want. whether u like it or not, this is me. i have said earlier that this blog is a virtual testimony of my life.and its mine. with a lot of pride and arrogance. and its truly subjected to my wishes and moods.
and this blog is blogged with a lot of ambiguity. yes it is. accept it. there are many things that happen in our lives and with people. and i choose to do it all with just one word. YOU.
yeah so now PLEASE, if u guys think any of these posts ( esp. the angry ones) are abt u, pls. dun. u aren't the only thing in my life. there have been a lot of messes, smiles, gd and bad stuff.
so today, i got into trouble with the most dearest one in my life. sighz sighz. what a dilemma u put me into. it aches. yeah it does.
so plz. i appeal to all. it has happened many times b4. but as u get closer to me, it will just screw up things.many ppl go thru this. dun let this add on to the huge pile of mess i already have.
i am making my way to PP temple now. the place where many things start. and hopefully dun end. pls pls. gimme strength.
ithu enna ulagam endri theriyavillai.
vithigal varaimuraigal puriyavillai.
ithaya thesathil irangu pogaiyil, inba thunbam ethuvum illai.
adioz.
this is one post filled with frustration and annoyance. and yet too with a alot of worry and sighz.
this is my blog. Yeah its SHREE's. i welcome anyone at my blog. read all u want. think all u want. tag all u want. whether u like it or not, this is me. i have said earlier that this blog is a virtual testimony of my life.and its mine. with a lot of pride and arrogance. and its truly subjected to my wishes and moods.
and this blog is blogged with a lot of ambiguity. yes it is. accept it. there are many things that happen in our lives and with people. and i choose to do it all with just one word. YOU.
yeah so now PLEASE, if u guys think any of these posts ( esp. the angry ones) are abt u, pls. dun. u aren't the only thing in my life. there have been a lot of messes, smiles, gd and bad stuff.
so today, i got into trouble with the most dearest one in my life. sighz sighz. what a dilemma u put me into. it aches. yeah it does.
so plz. i appeal to all. it has happened many times b4. but as u get closer to me, it will just screw up things.many ppl go thru this. dun let this add on to the huge pile of mess i already have.
i am making my way to PP temple now. the place where many things start. and hopefully dun end. pls pls. gimme strength.
ithu enna ulagam endri theriyavillai.
vithigal varaimuraigal puriyavillai.
ithaya thesathil irangu pogaiyil, inba thunbam ethuvum illai.
adioz.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
radio ad
well. ystdy i burned midmorning oil to finish up my lit essays. that two outta four done. rest due on monday. gawd. nobody help me pls.
with three hrs of backrest ystdy nite, i am now awaiting my polit sci crash course to start. and i think my day in sch ends at ten.
i dunno whr life takes me to. but hell i do know that i refuse to be in a dilemmial state. my eyes are burning away and such fatigue is a contradiction to all that oversleeping these past 3 weeks. time i snap of my supposed depression yes.
and my mum just does not seem to understand. she asked me if i was celebrating deepavali cos of the supposed blase attitude i have been giving at home. well i refuse to clean up my room. no its cleaned out, yes i painted it green. but i refuse to tidy it. and i dun do the rest of the work at home. even better, i haven bought any new clothes for diwali and have been refusing every offer.
i aint got the mood. not for festive season. not to live life that way anymore. why muz i make myself feel happy that one day?
not without u.
and so. i plan to work hard. since i am almost deciding to stay put in NUS. i will be doin wateva i had planned in SMU. and yes. let me just pray it goes well.
this yr's much awaited india trip looks like a mirage to me now. i duno whether u guys know how badly i wanted to go for it, but hell. at the current stage, i am in no deciding state.
as the days draw closer to my sem exams, i just wanna let myself know. my thoughts make up my actions and i can control my thoughts. even if its just transient stoicness, i am in for it.
*yey! subway sandwich is coming my way later for my dinner. now for the mind-boggling two hrs of public policy and comparative politics.
i am starting to feel good again. i know i aint as strong. but i wld like to think so. let me be.
no matter whr life takes me to, a part of me will always be with u. - S Club 7.
adioz.
with three hrs of backrest ystdy nite, i am now awaiting my polit sci crash course to start. and i think my day in sch ends at ten.
i dunno whr life takes me to. but hell i do know that i refuse to be in a dilemmial state. my eyes are burning away and such fatigue is a contradiction to all that oversleeping these past 3 weeks. time i snap of my supposed depression yes.
and my mum just does not seem to understand. she asked me if i was celebrating deepavali cos of the supposed blase attitude i have been giving at home. well i refuse to clean up my room. no its cleaned out, yes i painted it green. but i refuse to tidy it. and i dun do the rest of the work at home. even better, i haven bought any new clothes for diwali and have been refusing every offer.
i aint got the mood. not for festive season. not to live life that way anymore. why muz i make myself feel happy that one day?
not without u.
and so. i plan to work hard. since i am almost deciding to stay put in NUS. i will be doin wateva i had planned in SMU. and yes. let me just pray it goes well.
this yr's much awaited india trip looks like a mirage to me now. i duno whether u guys know how badly i wanted to go for it, but hell. at the current stage, i am in no deciding state.
as the days draw closer to my sem exams, i just wanna let myself know. my thoughts make up my actions and i can control my thoughts. even if its just transient stoicness, i am in for it.
*yey! subway sandwich is coming my way later for my dinner. now for the mind-boggling two hrs of public policy and comparative politics.
i am starting to feel good again. i know i aint as strong. but i wld like to think so. let me be.
no matter whr life takes me to, a part of me will always be with u. - S Club 7.
adioz.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)