exams are coming and its the time of the sem when i am usually seen ard in sch more often than ever.
its interesting how this once very fierce and confident person i knew myself to be is slowly crumbling down.
apart from the usual laments of my fatigue and what not, i am now gonna lament abt my self-destructive minddd.
even i cant believe it that i am havng nightmares. of the ppl i hate so much in my life now. i even once told myself that i will never hate ppl, but now i actually do. in so many diff ways. its just difficult to see urself fight all the times, so sometimes u decide to defeat urself... that is the 1st sign of a loser but not a sore one. i guess i have established such a r/ship with myself that i dun think it is a sign of a loud defeat but a quiet victory.
i am astonished that i really really do not forget and forgive ppl easily. i am now a grown up (i think) 22 year old woman and i still cannot let go of my teenagehood and my childhood. all those who have been dear still are dear and all those i hate i still do hate them. more disasterously, the ones who are dear and have betrayed are the unforgotten dears and unforgiven hates. i hate that in me. with many ppl walking in and outta our lives, we probably dun give two hoots abt letting go. its when u think u have let gone and u think again... maybe not.
i work ard the clock and i pray that i will always have this determination and strength to do so all the way. its my way of being there for myself, or so i wld like to think. hmmm. like that independence. i depend on my daily varied activities to keep myself sane and insane at the same time.
last yr's sikkim trip made me feel like a free bird, i really wish i cld go back to that place just once more. it was a time i was with myself completely. and with thiviya beside me, it was perfect. she has always been ard me and whether she approves of what i do or not, she's always there to hear me out. i dunno how many friends do that for me, i dunno if i wld do that for anyone but she does. and i am amazed. sikkim was just probably everything i dreamt of whenever i wish i was alone and cld create brand new r/ships and impressions. immerse urself in just everything before u and be a lost soul.
yup maybe thats just what i need; i need to lose myself. and not be restricted. i guess everyone wants to be free physically. but i wanna be free of emotions that hold me back, that make me bonded and obligate. *i should just listen to thiviya and stop eating onions and garlics*
these nightmares have to stop.. and i must gain my old self and confidence back. those days. why do i have to fight internal battles always?
to pray is my only hope.
shree.