truth

i feel ashamed of myself, after what happened ystdy. but it was a true true reflection of my past. i behaved like a kid, bringing out the real inner me.

actually i am more embarrassed than ashamed. cos that was me. but what do i do, i wonder? and why do i do that, i do not know?
oh well, here i am back to square 1, and this is not for the first time.

and in some ways, i keep smiling like some evil creature. but i really think its cos i feel that the worse fear is over or that the crouching tiger in me sprang up.

i am an angry person, i realised. this what happens when u bottle up, despite many claims and reminders not to do so.
i couldnt help it, really.

fear, frustration and desperation to achieve what i needed to do. it was the only way to reach out to you.

the slumber yesterday night was uncomfortable yet fulfilling. i am alive and awake today.
but maybe the inner one that sprang out ystdy died. and i wish u dont resurrect. cos i cant handle you. no one can.

i dont wish to see u again, bu i cant imagine i made a pact to do so.
i am scared and perhaps i am even quite brave. i dont know how i will face you, but i shall try.

and i realised that u really really pamper me.

adioz.

hear me speak.

Felt the compulsion to blog. To breathe and to speak.




It feels rather weird that I choose to be silent sometimes, especially recently. But it’s easier that way, isn’t it?

As much as I thought I had finally found some peace in what is going on around me, I’m so afraid I’m back to square 1. I hope to feel better soon, really.

I wish to keep my temper in place. And I know why you do this. Sometimes it’s better to just shut up den to speak ur mind. Cos we are all just afraid that the other will not understand. But sadly, it shouldn’t be the case.



It is weird how society is expected to behave and be in order, when it is made of so many individuals who act and behave differently. Fighting for freedom to act and to speak as they wish. And once this freedom is suppressed, social order is misplaced and u cannot expect them to confine themselves, their thinking and behaviour to conventional thinking and norms.

To some extent, this seems inhumane. As a sociologist, adhering to societal norms and expectations seemed like the better way to live life. But today, deviance seems like the way of life. Or rather, giving life to life.

Durkheim was so right, that conflict can be a necessity for social order. Anomie is necessary for the society, yet I wonder why one fails to realise that it not the unity of the consciousness that makes the society, but perhaps the lack of it.



I think abt u and wonder if u are fine. U should be and I hope u are.

And you. I wish I could simply satisfy you with what u need. And hope that u easier to please. But I know what there is no way I can meet ur expectations and therefore will probably remain a failure in ur eyes till the day either one of us perish. I do not feel like rectifying things anymore and trying to build a better relationship with u anymore. I am honestly and with all conscience, doing my level best and have given my all. This is probably the very first time I think of you this way yet I know that I will not regret on the day of my judgement.

And you. So promising yet I fear us from the deepest sheath of my skin. I hope u get what u need, and I am duty bound in many ways. Today u made me realise that maybe, everything is not abt me and my emotions. And when that word ‘sacrifice’ came from your mouth, it hit me hard. I haven heard that one in quite a while.

Today at 24 years of age, I don’t mind dying as a battered soul. It means I am exhausted of giving and taking. Looking back at yesterday’s prayers, I can’t ask much but to thank you for all that I have seen, heard, learned, received and given.



What else is there left in life, den to watch urself and others grow with uncertainties. Yet struggle to make the full use out of life. Maybe there should be an idiot’s guide to learn how to live life to the fullest. I mean, I wasn’t born with a manual, so how do I do this?

Ironically, God, I refuse to question you. Cos I shall conveniently convince myself that whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Just like the conventional way.



Adioz.