choices

everyone has choices. i wonder if everyone rmbrs tat. choose when to slp,to eat, to hang out with whom, etc. its funny hw sometimes we dun tk d responsibilities of choices made, dun respect others' choices n simply dun realise we hv choices.
i often wonder y i hv taken d burden of other ppl's choices. n sadly some of my loved ones undergo that cos of me too. but d selfish me has now told myself not to do so any longer. i think its d onions doing it. haha. naggy granny told me tt taking too much onions in ur food makes u emotional. i laughed for a whole yr den i decided to try it n hell it worked! so going back, i nvr thought abt wat growing up is all about n jus as i think i ve learned smth from a new perspective, i learn smth else as well. its funny hw one can think u know all.

n older ppl dun get it that no matter hw much u tell young brats to do this n not do that, it nvr sets in. i mean it nvr worked with d youth den, hw will it work now? n ppl get so quick to judge them n label that as advice n "oh i know whr this will end up". oh shuddup.
give our youth to space to breathe, to make choices, to learn n repent. everything has alrdy been written by God. dun kiasu la. n BTW ITS EVEN MORE ANNOYING WHEN PPL MY AGE CAN ACT LIKE FREAKING OLDIES! SCREW U!

on a brighter side of life, im happy with the consequences of some choices i hv made. some choices still haunt me as i try to look at d path ahead. more than ever i m happy that i hv lost contact with many ppl, chosen to contact d impt ones more seriously n chosen to avoid many problems of mine n others. im less 'garbaged' in my mind now, finally.

i thank God n all my close frens for this revelation b4 its too late. i love d very few ppl in my life now.

peace be with you.

adioz.

shree

after so many months

exams are coming and its the time of the sem when i am usually seen ard in sch more often than ever.
its interesting how this once very fierce and confident person i knew myself to be is slowly crumbling down.
apart from the usual laments of my fatigue and what not, i am now gonna lament abt my self-destructive minddd.


even i cant believe it that i am havng nightmares. of the ppl i hate so much in my life now. i even once told myself that i will never hate ppl, but now i actually do. in so many diff ways. its just difficult to see urself fight all the times, so sometimes u decide to defeat urself... that is the 1st sign of a loser but not a sore one. i guess i have established such a r/ship with myself that i dun think it is a sign of a loud defeat but a quiet victory.

i am astonished that i really really do not forget and forgive ppl easily. i am now a grown up (i think) 22 year old woman and i still cannot let go of my teenagehood and my childhood. all those who have been dear still are dear and all those i hate i still do hate them. more disasterously, the ones who are dear and have betrayed are the unforgotten dears and unforgiven hates. i hate that in me. with many ppl walking in and outta our lives, we probably dun give two hoots abt letting go. its when u think u have let gone and u think again... maybe not.

i work ard the clock and i pray that i will always have this determination and strength to do so all the way. its my way of being there for myself, or so i wld like to think. hmmm. like that independence. i depend on my daily varied activities to keep myself sane and insane at the same time.
last yr's sikkim trip made me feel like a free bird, i really wish i cld go back to that place just once more. it was a time i was with myself completely. and with thiviya beside me, it was perfect. she has always been ard me and whether she approves of what i do or not, she's always there to hear me out. i dunno how many friends do that for me, i dunno if i wld do that for anyone but she does. and i am amazed. sikkim was just probably everything i dreamt of whenever i wish i was alone and cld create brand new r/ships and impressions. immerse urself in just everything before u and be a lost soul.

yup maybe thats just what i need; i need to lose myself. and not be restricted. i guess everyone wants to be free physically. but i wanna be free of emotions that hold me back, that make me bonded and obligate. *i should just listen to thiviya and stop eating onions and garlics*

these nightmares have to stop.. and i must gain my old self and confidence back. those days. why do i have to fight internal battles always?

to pray is my only hope.

shree.