in sch abt appa

back in sch.haiz. cun even rmbr my log-in details.am so detached all of a sudden. i haf a bloody big prob with myself realli.

i hated AC like shit.felt so out of place.fantastic teachers n mates ard me. now that i haf to leave it, i feel all sad. how true that u'll nvr appreciate smth when its right there b4 u. i muz say i've been the same with everyone else. after losing em all, i realise that i nvr reali appreciated them while they were ard. am sure u understand, dun u?

such one person i lost n can nvr redeem wld be u appa. after all u nvr gave me the chance to see u b4 u left, but left me here to deal with life all by myself. funny how i had bade a literal final goodbye to u. u bring tears to my eyes daddy. it stings real hard. after losing u, everyone knows i am no longer the confident gal with the aura of arrogance ard me. i had to hold it on to me, no longer oozing out of me naturally. so to u all out there, dun eva think ppl ard u stay foreva. trust me. i learnt it in a hard way n of cos, there is no turning back. i still rmbr ur face on that white cloth, with that green sari over. and the clothes that were put in ur coffin, all except the one i bought for u, which happened to be right beneath the last folded shirt in the stack they took for u. Cruel. pain. appa u r making me cry in school. u r the ONLY thing i wan to rmbr in my life. the only pain i will gladly endure.my pillar of strength shattered. r u seeing me from there?u better. n i will join u soon. then we'll look down from above together. as dad n daughter, forever.

so pappa u see, i cant realli study these days. i kinda lost it. been thinking of repeating A'levels also. haha my teacher said it was a dire option.haha Mrs. Creffield. my pretty woman. n ya dun reali seem to be concentrating. haiz i dunno. have loadsa plans for dec onwards. hope i dun back out like a coward again reali. u watch me from there k. maybe i'll make u proud. i dunno. maybe not.

who will forget the times u forced us all to eat? n everytime i go hungry, I SWEAR to all the gods out there, i only rmbr u, n ur giving hands, that nvr made me hungry n now i'm so deprived of ur love. i am so angry with u realli.

one of the best things abt being ard now is definitely Karter, Kavin, Keertan. appa we all believe keertan is a reincarnation of u. he looks a bit malay, perspires ever so quickly jus like u. and once, he took a small piece of tissue n started wiping the table, jus like u always do. amma started crying after she saw tt. but ya we all believe he is. me too. u will come back right?

appa i want to follow u.maybe a singing career down the road.devotional songs n maybe teach younger kids. i rmbr the last song u sang to me b4 u left me. kavithaiye theriyuma. i din tell u then appa.i'll tell u now. it was lovely. whenever i hear it now, i only hear ur voice singing it. u still live with me, dun u?

i dunno wat more to say.waking up another day is waking to another 24 hrs of u not with us anymore. this post is dedicated to u, n of cos it goes, vanishing, jus like the numerous thinge we offer u during prayers. the sotong sambal we once shared no longer touches my taste buds, n i now rmbr... jus two days b4 u left me , i held ur hands with the computer mouse to help u click.
i'm not longer shy to cry in school anymore.wherever, whenever, i cant run away from ur memories. U r living appa. sumwhere out there...n till the day i reach u, these tears will never dry.

anaithu kondaaye... pinbu yeno sendraai...

was coming back from tuition today.saw this punjabi gal i met yrs back. she once jus talked to me suddenly when i was much younger. hmm these past few days ppl jus keep coming in. n going out of my life.

i saw the word NUS in the papers today and on an AD on the bus.it gave me a wierd feeling.din like it.the look of it.the feel of it.scares me.think i'll even make it? but talk abt the trepidation deep down within.dunno how i am gonna fit in.or maybe will just fit into all that facade.ugly is the word.

trust.i hate that word.who do u trust?its so painful to trust sumone.anil once said trust no one.not even ur loved ones. hmmm.talk abt obsession n deception.these words kinda conquer my life.obsession is my second side.deception,it fills my life. from this way in and that way out.shan comment further.

fuck i dun feel like blogging anymore. adioz

school day... the last?

tired.it seriously says less than how i am feelin right now.well i had an interesting day today. i muz share this really.

so yup met two of my old buddies.Vish n Thiv.My two lifelines while in Cedar.u guys brought back so much.the whole nostalgic feeling hits me hard again.Gosh whoever told u the leaving part was easy.Both equally made me realise one thing.i am still alive.kekeke

hey i went for tuition today.that annoying lady made me sleep again.ntg unusual?not when its one-to-one tuition.so yeah there were two other kiddos there.one was this huge PINK incredible hulk(he's northy) n another a dark skinny one who gave the look 'hey i am from AST ok'. the pinky was reeking of a super strong cologne but kept wiping his pespiration from his forehead.the other suddenly spoke up in a soft meek voice,"mdm, i dunno how to do kaardinate jaametry ( read coordinate geometry) ".well so much for my right side. n so my life took a turn for the worst. i turned the left side. well of cos there was my teacher n this manchachi who kept screwing her nose at me each time i asked my teacher to explain smth to me. i always believe in telling the truth. i wanted to whack the calculator at her face.( well tts ok cos sumone once said he wanted to push me off into the MRT track.hmmm) den suddenly there was a loud shrill. "u dunno how to do the EXXeleration ah? ivan ippadi koduthaana, nee atha ippadi yezhuthuno". well yeah thats my math tutor for u. dun blame me rite?go back to yindiya la

well today i've good news too.i nominated mrs.ramani (or rather i was forced to) for Tamil Murasu's Most Inspiring Tamil Teachers Award.n yeah we won smth. so yeah so all those ex-ACSians, i give u one minute to puke n return.

today was the last day of school for the yr1s. missing it for the wrong reasons.or maybe right.kekeke.yeah vani gal i'll miss u. n mr.lancelot lim, the pic i took with u din turn out right(bet it was cos of the gals' stares n jealous curses).the food of cos.ntg beats AC in that. haha n of cos the fun at the void deck.

well yeah i am tired. gimme a break dear dreams n naggy thoughts. i haf smth called A's.

thudikira ithayathin oosaigal neeye...

kambar

hey hey.at home again.jus so obstinately refused to wake up in the morn.well lets see.next thurs is GP paper n next fri is TLA paper.hmmm...jus how prepared am i?got no idea.but reading kavichakkaravarthy(my tamil lit book) has made me fallen in love with tamil again.any kinda love makes one distracted.we all know tt.so let me propose my love to my kavi pulavar Kambar again.u simply rawk man.haiz he aint alive to see this cute thing go goo goo gaga over his work.
well yeah. so this story of Ambigapathy n Amaravathy is fictional.bet u guys din know abt that.kinda kewl.they both die for falling in love. kaathalukkaaga irappathu endraal, antha irappae kaadhalarkku pokisham.ntg more to say.enuf abt this love thingy.makes me sound so immature n forlorn.
i have this wierd sense of excitement in me. dunno if its the festive season or the upcoming examinations. but definitely its totally uncomfy.i'll jus wait n try get this off asap.till den its back to my books n dreams. ciaoz

i called it deepavali.

haiz.looks like i found a reason to blog finally.ntg too fantastic. jus the screams of the devil called the heart.
looking back on deepavali i had a ball of a time.seeing all those long lost frens n all. feels as tho i went into the Bermuda triangle on the fateful day, 23 Jan 06, and mysteriously figured my way back home. so yeah seeing all of u made my day. or so i thought.
frankly, dear blog, i'm so afraid to go back into the unshielding world where frens n ppl i know who arent worthy of the label FRIEND are a pain n an addition to the planet of problems.this whole year i went MIA cos i was forced to. n looks like God did reali have his plans aside for me. i am sure i now know who did stand by my side.
as much as i always wanted it, as the a'levels are coming, i so wish this whole hiding business is not gonna end.actually come to think of it. i wasn't hiding.i was living a life of independence, jus that it was pathetic n painful.talk abt the four walls being ur best buddies. each had a story to tell, n me, to them.so lets jus say i have emerged stronger, or so i think.
looks like this internal battle has got no end.now to some real stuff.
Diwali i met some nice ppl n not so nice ones...u make me miss my good ol' times...
1. JJ! thank u so much for lightening up my mood by making me sing... haha finally!!
2. Aarthi gal... u brought back so much of memories
3. kavin karter keertan! the three musketeers...sunshine of my life... where is happiness without u three...
4. my dear mr navin kumar. u finally remembered me.yes yes. more than words can say. i missed u crazy bro.
5. amma was the surprise of the day. after years n years she finally saw my room. haiz wish appa was ard to see me now
6. ooh my mummy n daddy din fite on Diwali. my father n his usual screaming obsession.looks like i inherited that from him. haha. but yeah babu brought it up after he was high. talk abt being emo.
7. all my uncles n aunties. so funny u guys make me feel younger as all of u grow older. wahahaha
8. and oh yeah the sour cream of the day. Mr. John F Kennedy. try harder next time.sore loser. lets jus see how u'll face me again.

i'm sorry to all of u guys whom i din wish on Diwali. obviously u all know.
my dear ram fam. i miss u guys. though i no longer feel a part of u sometimes... moments with ya'll i'll always cherish.

to the love of my life. God bless whereva u are.