i turn back to you

Hello. I’m actually back. And that's what I usually do. I turn back. To you, to the past and the songs that matter to me. You. that whole comfort zone.




Look at me. I’m five months away from being married; to a man I never thought will cross my path. And half the path has been walked over, turned back, smiled back at most of the time, and some frowns too, of course.



Wow, life has changed tremendously. Even ‘oru poiyaavathu sol kanne’ song didn’t sound so sad and upsetting. I heard Hariharan’s voice for the first time. Paid attention to the beauty of it. What a lesson. I bet I would have heard that song a million times previously, known every bit of those lyrics and how another word would have suited the feeling better. And today, I hear his voice and I was more than impressed.



So today I’m feeling rather weird. And I’m tired. Not just about expressing myself but cos sometimes I don’t wish to do so. And those who know me actually know that is so dangerous. I have learnt to let go and I wish I could be more like that. It’s so much easier to let go of emotions that I do not want to have or wish I didn’t have. It would make life happier. Yes, happy.



I have totally gotten over the most sensitive part of my life, which you dealt as 'unnecessary' and the other you who said 'you don't have to' and yes, the other other you also said 'if i were you, I won't'. So, done. Brainwashed and happy.



I’m on the right path and that confuses me. Cos maybe I have never been on this path. With all stability and happiness. And all that assurance that, ‘hey! You are actually OK!’ haha. Funny as it sounds. New songs make me happy. So do new feelings and new thoughts. I am more receptive to what life has to offer and the lemons I deal with.



I owe it to God. Now I’m handling fears of the future, which can be overwhelming sometimes but I survived the future in the past :)



I feel like singing, all over again. I swear I want that confidence back again. So badly. What do I do?

I need to let go of my fears. Shucks. I miss it so much. And now, I fear doing it.

I miss dancing but I’m getting over it. I think.

See, I’m just going back. And back again. To you. And the comfort once. But this time, maybe I should take it seriously and just go back to making myself feel better and enjoy doing what I once did.



I don’t understand these punishments I have given myself these few years. I know I have been hard but I don’t know how else to let go and to convince myself that it is okay.



Jayshree. You are okay. And it’s okay to go back sometimes.

truth

i feel ashamed of myself, after what happened ystdy. but it was a true true reflection of my past. i behaved like a kid, bringing out the real inner me.

actually i am more embarrassed than ashamed. cos that was me. but what do i do, i wonder? and why do i do that, i do not know?
oh well, here i am back to square 1, and this is not for the first time.

and in some ways, i keep smiling like some evil creature. but i really think its cos i feel that the worse fear is over or that the crouching tiger in me sprang up.

i am an angry person, i realised. this what happens when u bottle up, despite many claims and reminders not to do so.
i couldnt help it, really.

fear, frustration and desperation to achieve what i needed to do. it was the only way to reach out to you.

the slumber yesterday night was uncomfortable yet fulfilling. i am alive and awake today.
but maybe the inner one that sprang out ystdy died. and i wish u dont resurrect. cos i cant handle you. no one can.

i dont wish to see u again, bu i cant imagine i made a pact to do so.
i am scared and perhaps i am even quite brave. i dont know how i will face you, but i shall try.

and i realised that u really really pamper me.

adioz.

hear me speak.

Felt the compulsion to blog. To breathe and to speak.




It feels rather weird that I choose to be silent sometimes, especially recently. But it’s easier that way, isn’t it?

As much as I thought I had finally found some peace in what is going on around me, I’m so afraid I’m back to square 1. I hope to feel better soon, really.

I wish to keep my temper in place. And I know why you do this. Sometimes it’s better to just shut up den to speak ur mind. Cos we are all just afraid that the other will not understand. But sadly, it shouldn’t be the case.



It is weird how society is expected to behave and be in order, when it is made of so many individuals who act and behave differently. Fighting for freedom to act and to speak as they wish. And once this freedom is suppressed, social order is misplaced and u cannot expect them to confine themselves, their thinking and behaviour to conventional thinking and norms.

To some extent, this seems inhumane. As a sociologist, adhering to societal norms and expectations seemed like the better way to live life. But today, deviance seems like the way of life. Or rather, giving life to life.

Durkheim was so right, that conflict can be a necessity for social order. Anomie is necessary for the society, yet I wonder why one fails to realise that it not the unity of the consciousness that makes the society, but perhaps the lack of it.



I think abt u and wonder if u are fine. U should be and I hope u are.

And you. I wish I could simply satisfy you with what u need. And hope that u easier to please. But I know what there is no way I can meet ur expectations and therefore will probably remain a failure in ur eyes till the day either one of us perish. I do not feel like rectifying things anymore and trying to build a better relationship with u anymore. I am honestly and with all conscience, doing my level best and have given my all. This is probably the very first time I think of you this way yet I know that I will not regret on the day of my judgement.

And you. So promising yet I fear us from the deepest sheath of my skin. I hope u get what u need, and I am duty bound in many ways. Today u made me realise that maybe, everything is not abt me and my emotions. And when that word ‘sacrifice’ came from your mouth, it hit me hard. I haven heard that one in quite a while.

Today at 24 years of age, I don’t mind dying as a battered soul. It means I am exhausted of giving and taking. Looking back at yesterday’s prayers, I can’t ask much but to thank you for all that I have seen, heard, learned, received and given.



What else is there left in life, den to watch urself and others grow with uncertainties. Yet struggle to make the full use out of life. Maybe there should be an idiot’s guide to learn how to live life to the fullest. I mean, I wasn’t born with a manual, so how do I do this?

Ironically, God, I refuse to question you. Cos I shall conveniently convince myself that whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Just like the conventional way.



Adioz.

confession

wrote this some time earlier this month.
such a confession.

க‌த‌வை 'ட‌பார்!' என்று அடைத்துவிட்டு என் மேனி மெத்தைமேல் மெதுவாக‌ சாய்ந்தது. சோர்வு. சோர்வு என் உள்ள‌ங்காலிலிருந்து என் உச்சி மண்டை வ‌ரையில் த‌லை விரித்தாடிக்கொண்டிருந்தது.
க‌ண்ணுறக்க‌த்தை நாடிக்கொண்டிருந்த‌ என் கண்ணிமைக‌ள், என் தொலைபேசி மௌன‌த்தில் சினுங்கிய‌தும், ச‌ட்டென்று விரிந்தது. என் கை தொலைபேசியை எடுக்க‌, க‌ண்க‌ள் அதை பார்க்க‌, அவ‌ன் முக‌ம் என் தொலைபேசியில், இல்லை இல்லை, மன‌தில் தோன்றிய‌து.

உட‌ல் எவ்வ‌ள‌வு சோர்த்திருந்தாலும், ம‌ன‌ம் சோர்வாக‌ இல்லை போலும். அவ‌ன் குர‌ல் கேட்க‌ என் ம‌ன‌ம் ஒரு குழ‌ப்ப‌ம் நிறைந்த‌ ம‌கிழ்ச்சியிலும் உற்சாக‌த்திலும் துள்ளிக் குதித்த‌து. அந்த‌ ஒரு-த‌லை காத‌ல் உரையாட‌ல் ஒரு முடிவுக்கு வ‌ர‌, மீண்டும் நான் என் உல‌க‌த்திற்கு மீண்டு வ‌ந்தேன். 'இது காத‌ல் இல்லை' என்று என் ம‌ன‌ம் என‌க்கு ஞாப‌க‌ப்ப‌டுத்திய‌து. க‌ன‌வுல‌கில் மித‌ந்தேன். உற‌ங்கினேன்.

ஒரு கிண்ண‌த்தில் சாடின் துண்டுக‌ளைப் போல‌ ஒட்டிக்கொண்டு இர‌யிலில் ப‌ய‌ணிப்ப‌தை ஆங்கில‌த்தில் வ‌ர்ணிப்ப‌ர் இல்லையா? அன்று காலையில் இர‌யில் ப‌ய‌ண‌ம் அப்ப‌டி இல்லை. வெறித்தோடி இருந்த்து சாலை. உல‌க‌த்தில் நான் ம‌ட்டுமே இருந்தால் எப்ப‌டி இருக்கும் என்ற‌ நெடுநாள் க‌ன‌வு அன்று க‌டுக‌ள‌வு ந‌னவான‌து. நான் அம‌ர்ந்த‌ இருக்கையில் அன்று ஏதோ ஒரு த‌னி சுக‌ம். காதிலே இன்னிசையின் தேன் பாய்ச்சல். கைக‌ளில் க‌ண‌க்கு புத்த‌க‌ம். ஜ‌னவ‌ரி திங்க‌ளின் ப‌த்தாம் தேதி. ஊதிய‌ம் வ‌ரும் நாள். வ‌ரும் ப‌ண‌த்தைக் கொண்டு எல்லா செல‌வுக‌ளையும் க‌ழித்துவிட்டு மீத‌முள்ள‌ ப‌ண‌த்தை வைத்து அவ‌ருக்கு ஒரு...
திடீரென்று த‌னிமையின் சுக‌ம் ம‌றைந்து, த‌னிமை என்னை வாட்டிய‌து. அவ‌ருக்கு... அவ‌ர்... இல்லை...
இற‌ந்த‌கால‌த்திலேயே என் ம‌ன‌ம் சிக்கிக்கொண்டிருக்கிறது. க‌ண்க‌ளில் கண்ணீர் ம‌ல்க‌, என் ம‌ன‌தை இறுக்கிக்கொண்டு க‌ண்க‌ளில் நிர‌ம்பிய‌ உப்புநீரை திரும்ப‌வும் க‌ண்க‌ளுக்குள்ளேயே விர‌ட்டினேன்.இரயில் க‌த‌வுக‌ள் திற‌ந்த‌ன‌. என் கால்க‌ள் விறுவிறுவென‌ பாதையில் தாள‌ம் போட்ட‌ன‌. காலையில் வேலையை நோக்கி செல்வ‌தைப்ப‌ற்றி அன்று துய‌ர் இல்லை. இறந்த‌கால‌த்தைவிட்டு எதிர்கால‌த்தை அடைவேனோ என்ற‌ கேள்வி எழ‌ வேத‌னை ம‌ன‌தில் நில‌விய‌து.

காலையிலேயே ஒரு பாட‌லைக் கேட்டால் அதே பாட‌ல் நாள் முழுக்க‌ ம‌ன‌திலே ஓய்வில்லாம‌ல் ஓடிக்கொண்டே இருக்கும். அன்று அவ‌ருடைய‌ முக‌ம் என் நெஞ்சில் நின்ற‌ ராக‌ம். என் அவ‌ர். ப‌ழைய‌ அவ‌ர். அவ‌ரைப்ப‌ற்றி நினைத்தால் என் ம‌ன‌தில் சொட்டும் சில‌ நியாப‌க‌ துளிக‌ள்.
தேநீரில் கொஞ்ச‌மாக‌ பால். காதில் ஆங்கில‌ப் பாட‌ல். முக‌த்தில் க‌டுக‌டுவென கோப‌ம். ப‌ர‌ந்த‌ உத‌டுக‌ளில் க‌ல‌க‌ல‌வென‌ சிரிப்பு . அவ‌ரைச் சுற்றியிருப்பவ‌ர்க‌ளின் முக‌ங்க‌ளில் புன்ன‌கை - என் முக‌த்தில் த‌விர‌. என் காத‌லின் உண்மை நிலை... கண்ண‌த்தில் 'ப‌லார்' என‌ ஒரு அரை விழுந்தாற்போல...

மௌன‌த்தில் சினுங்கிய‌து தொல்லைபேசி. புதிய‌ அவ‌ன், ம‌றுமுனையில், ஆன‌ந்தமாக‌.

அவ‌ன்:ஏய் குட்டி, காலையிலிருந்து என் நியாப‌க‌மே இல்லையா? உன்ன‌ ரொம்ப‌ மிஸ் ப‌ன்னுறேன்.

இவ‌ள்: இல்லை, வ‌ந்த‌திலிருந்து ஒரே வேலையா இருந்தேன், அதான்...

அவ‌ன்: ஹ‌ஹ‌ஹ. சும்மாதான் கேட்டேன் குட்டி. இன்னிக்கு அம்மா உன்ன‌ப்ப‌த்தி கேட்டாங்க‌. உன்ன‌ பார்க்க‌னும்னு சொன்னாங்க‌.

இவ‌ள்: நாம‌ வெறும் ஃபெர‌ன்ஸ்னு அம்மாகிட்ட‌ சொல்லிட்டீங‌க‌ன்னு நென‌ச்ச‌?

அவ‌ன்: சொன்னேன்! அவ‌ங்க‌தான் அப்ப‌டி சொன்னாங்க!

இவ‌ள் மௌன‌ம் சாதிக்க‌.

அவ‌ன்: ச‌ரி குட்டி. உன்ன மூட் out ப‌ன்ன‌ விரும்ப‌ல‌. ஒன்னும் நினைக்காதே! நீ உன் ப‌ழைய‌ வாழ்க்கைய‌ ம‌ற‌க்கிற‌ வ‌ரைக்கும் நாம ஃபெர‌ன்ஸ் தான். ச‌ரி. அப்புற‌ம் கால் பண்ணுறேன். பாய் குட்டி!"

பெருமூச்சு விட‌க்கூடா நெஞ்சில் தெம்பில்லாத‌வாறு, என் மன‌தை என் வேலைப்ப‌ளுவில் புதைத்தேன். த‌ப்பிக்க‌ என‌க்கு தெரிந்த‌ ஒரே வ‌ழி. இந்த‌ நிம்ம‌தி மாலை ஐந்து ம‌ணி வ‌ரையில் ம‌ட்டுமே.
ப‌ழைய‌ அவ‌ரை ச‌ந்தித்தேன். பொழுது சாயும் வேலையில்.
காலை அரும்பி ப‌க‌லெல்லாம் போதாகி, மாலை ம‌ல‌ரும் இவ‌ர் நோய்.

அடுத்த‌ இரண்டு ம‌ணி நேர‌ம் ப‌ழைய‌ வாழ்க்கையை மீண்டும் அனுப‌விக்க‌ காத்திருந்தன‌ என் ம‌ன‌ம், என் உள்ள‌ம், என் உட‌ல், என் ஆசைக‌ள்.
க‌ண்ண‌த்தில் அவ‌ர் முத்த‌மிட‌, ப‌ழைய‌ சுக‌த்தில் மூழ்கினேன் மெல்ல‌. உல‌க‌த்தை உலுக்கிய‌ செய்திக‌ளைப்ப‌ற்றி ஆர்வ‌மாக‌ பேசினோம் நாம் இருவ‌ரும். உள்ள‌ங்க‌ளை இறுக்கிக்கொண்டிருந்த‌ விக்ஷ‌ய‌ங்களைப்ப‌ற்றி க‌தைக்க‌ இரு ம‌ன‌மும் இண‌ங்க‌வில்லை. அந்த‌ நொடியில் புன்ன‌கையிட்டுக்கொண்டே எதேர்சையாக‌ "போங்க‌!" என்று நான் சொல்ல‌, திடீரென‌ அவ‌ர், "அதான் போய்ட்டேனே" என்று ச‌ட்டென்று சொல்லிவிட்டார்.
அவ‌ர்: யாராவ‌து இருக்காங்க‌லா?

(பாசாங்கு)
அவ‌ருடைய‌ அவ‌ள்: யாராவ‌து என்றால்?
அவ‌ர்: ஆர் யூ டேட்டிங் அனிவான்?

(பொய்)அவ‌ருடைய‌ அவ‌ள்: சே, இல்ல‌. நீங்க‌?
அவ‌ர்: நானும் இல்லை.இனிமேலும் இருக்காதுன்னு நினைக்கிறேன்

(துள்ள‌ல்)அவ‌ருடைய‌ அவ‌ள்: வேறு வ‌ழியில்லைன்னா அப்புற‌ம் நீங்க‌ என்ன‌த்தான் க‌ல்யாண‌ம் ப‌ன்ன‌னும்.

அவ‌ர்: ஹ‌ஹ‌ஹ‌ நீயும் தான். க‌ல்யாண‌ம் ப‌ண்ண‌ தேவையில்லையே. நீயும் நானும், ஒரே வீடு... ந‌ம‌க்காக‌...


த‌லைக்குனிந்த‌ என் முக‌ம் அன்னார்ந்து அவ‌ர் முக‌ம் பார்த்த்து. இது போன்ற‌ பல‌ திரும‌ண‌ க‌ன‌வுக‌ள் அந்த‌ ப‌ழைய‌ வாழ்க்கையில் நொடிக்கு நொடி எங்க‌ள் உரையாட‌லில் த‌லைத்தூக்கின‌. அப்போது கேட்கும்போது ச‌ஞ்சார‌ம். இப்பொழுது கேட்கும்போதெல்லாம் ம‌ன‌தில் ச‌ஞ்ச‌லம்.

க‌ட்டிய‌ணைத்து, 'பார்த்துக்கொள்!' என்று அவ‌ர் சொல்லிவிட்டதும் இருவ‌ரும் விடைப்பெற்றோம்.

வீட்டை நோக்கிய‌ ப‌ய‌ண‌ம் ஒரு வெள்ளைத்தாள்.

இல்ல‌த்தை அடைந்துவிட்ட‌தும், கை கால்க‌ளை அழம்பிவிட்டு, என் த‌னியறையில் த‌ஞ்ச‌ம‌டைய‌ விரைந்தேன்.


சுப‌மில்லை.

new lease of life?

my last post on april 19... reading it sent a smile to my face.
so many things have changed.

no longer in Oli right now. took a 10 week break and im now back to where i was working previously.
PRBO!!!
looks like i gotta maually jot down details of my life. i keep forgetting. keep forgetting who i am.

so i blogged abt bhaktan teacher in my last post. oh well, u are leaving next week. yes teacher, u were truly such an inspiration to my life and look at where things are now; so misplaced. i'm gonna miss u so much and its gonna hit me hard today... my first lesson without u today at 7pm. fuck.

ok, so next thing in mind. my dad had his first heart attack on monday morning. i was slping and he woke me up at 7am, i called for the ambulance and they never came. so he has two blockages. some people take this chance to act like perfect sissies and behave like women when they claim to have two balls in between their legs. ccb.

i scalded my hand on 18 aug. while making kesari. what an experience! what a pain! really, i rmb telling someone that i will nvr curse someone to burn in hell ever. but, oh wait. looks like you are going to. so the pain is pretty bad and of cos the scars are worse. they are here to stay, as a beautiful reminder too. and haresh, yes, the pretty hand i always showed u with pride beaming in my face is no longer going to be there anymore. bleagh. ok, no more emo.

after ramar's 14 yr vanavasam, he returns back home and so does shree. but mine is 14.5 years! hahaha. awesome. the prayer that finally came true. i guess praying is 25%, God's intervention is another 25% and of course our own actions are 50%. the last bit is just IMPT la. really.

and you. things have changed so much. while i silently and very secretively wish that this and that never happened, i am also glad it did. i know now what i need and what i want, i think. i am still the same old emotional gal who needs a security here and there and of cos, all that comfort. that comfort of knowing that i am not judged cos i really do not like to judge people or put an identity to someone's face cos of their actions. but wait, maybe i should just do that since that would keep me wary of aliens and monsters like you. and you. but you are one lucky ass. என் கண்ணீருக்கு கார‌ண‌ம் நீதான் என‌ தெரிந்தும், உன்னை என் காத‌லுக்கு கார‌ண‌மாக்கினேனே!

and you. why? you, the image of my past and present... i really wonder where you will be in future. u are such a question mark right now and that makes me the confused kid again. i feel sad sometimes, cos something so scarily tells me that this is shortlived... and im fucking shit scared sometimes that u are here to stay. and that would be... unimaginable yet so so so fucking possible. and no, thats not a smile on my face. its closer to a frown, really. cos i know you shree.

shree, fuck it. really. fuck the world. fuck the damn people around u. look at urself. dun look into the mirror and see the people in ur heart. i rmbr very clearly what amma said ystdy. 'பாத்திர‌த்தை அள‌ந்து சோறு போடு'.
how damn true. there is no point at all really. dun care. u are not going to get good words from ppl who think and act like satans. so leave and move away. விட்டு வில‌கி நிற்க‌வேண்டும்...

a significant song: உன்னோடு இருக்கும் பொன்னான‌ நிமிட‌ம்... எந்நாளும் தொட‌ர்ந்திட‌ நெஞ்ச‌ம் ஏங்கும்! :)

so much more in my heart... but the spillage ends here.

adioz.

alone.

looks like im officially single. i cried but these were tears of my love and not his. i shall not bore myself any further of wat i will miss and what i have lost.
looking back the past 5 months, i have grown emotionless, grown to take life as it gives me and let people go. i feel less love in my heart and feel less for doing anything for sumone else.

today as i spoke to myself, i realised my weakness. i keep thinking that everyone who walks into my life is special. how stupid of me. all that wastage of energy. and emotions.

i rmbr thiv said that i should stop taking onions and garlic and i have been a faithful follower. and this is the result. less emotions. stark realisation. that hits me in my face. slaps my fat cheeks so hard that i bleed.

look back jayshree. look at the ppl i have been in contact with all of a sudden. who are they? what are they doing to me? where will they be in a year's time?
look at my family. that part of me is over, u know. I know!
look at my job. totally satisfying yet a gazillion issues to deal with everyday.
look at my account balance. pfft.

today at dance class. my teacher's words taught me smth. that no matter how much i had achieved, i stand small before him. i stand shy. and unconvinced of my own power. he pushes and pushes me, silently telling me he believes in me. such an inspiration u are, teacher.
thank u.

i wanna take a deep breathe . clean and good. start my life anew in every way possible. god, i haven been quite faithful i know, but pls help, if u dun mind.

jayshree, let me love you.

shree

choices

everyone has choices. i wonder if everyone rmbrs tat. choose when to slp,to eat, to hang out with whom, etc. its funny hw sometimes we dun tk d responsibilities of choices made, dun respect others' choices n simply dun realise we hv choices.
i often wonder y i hv taken d burden of other ppl's choices. n sadly some of my loved ones undergo that cos of me too. but d selfish me has now told myself not to do so any longer. i think its d onions doing it. haha. naggy granny told me tt taking too much onions in ur food makes u emotional. i laughed for a whole yr den i decided to try it n hell it worked! so going back, i nvr thought abt wat growing up is all about n jus as i think i ve learned smth from a new perspective, i learn smth else as well. its funny hw one can think u know all.

n older ppl dun get it that no matter hw much u tell young brats to do this n not do that, it nvr sets in. i mean it nvr worked with d youth den, hw will it work now? n ppl get so quick to judge them n label that as advice n "oh i know whr this will end up". oh shuddup.
give our youth to space to breathe, to make choices, to learn n repent. everything has alrdy been written by God. dun kiasu la. n BTW ITS EVEN MORE ANNOYING WHEN PPL MY AGE CAN ACT LIKE FREAKING OLDIES! SCREW U!

on a brighter side of life, im happy with the consequences of some choices i hv made. some choices still haunt me as i try to look at d path ahead. more than ever i m happy that i hv lost contact with many ppl, chosen to contact d impt ones more seriously n chosen to avoid many problems of mine n others. im less 'garbaged' in my mind now, finally.

i thank God n all my close frens for this revelation b4 its too late. i love d very few ppl in my life now.

peace be with you.

adioz.

shree

after so many months

exams are coming and its the time of the sem when i am usually seen ard in sch more often than ever.
its interesting how this once very fierce and confident person i knew myself to be is slowly crumbling down.
apart from the usual laments of my fatigue and what not, i am now gonna lament abt my self-destructive minddd.


even i cant believe it that i am havng nightmares. of the ppl i hate so much in my life now. i even once told myself that i will never hate ppl, but now i actually do. in so many diff ways. its just difficult to see urself fight all the times, so sometimes u decide to defeat urself... that is the 1st sign of a loser but not a sore one. i guess i have established such a r/ship with myself that i dun think it is a sign of a loud defeat but a quiet victory.

i am astonished that i really really do not forget and forgive ppl easily. i am now a grown up (i think) 22 year old woman and i still cannot let go of my teenagehood and my childhood. all those who have been dear still are dear and all those i hate i still do hate them. more disasterously, the ones who are dear and have betrayed are the unforgotten dears and unforgiven hates. i hate that in me. with many ppl walking in and outta our lives, we probably dun give two hoots abt letting go. its when u think u have let gone and u think again... maybe not.

i work ard the clock and i pray that i will always have this determination and strength to do so all the way. its my way of being there for myself, or so i wld like to think. hmmm. like that independence. i depend on my daily varied activities to keep myself sane and insane at the same time.
last yr's sikkim trip made me feel like a free bird, i really wish i cld go back to that place just once more. it was a time i was with myself completely. and with thiviya beside me, it was perfect. she has always been ard me and whether she approves of what i do or not, she's always there to hear me out. i dunno how many friends do that for me, i dunno if i wld do that for anyone but she does. and i am amazed. sikkim was just probably everything i dreamt of whenever i wish i was alone and cld create brand new r/ships and impressions. immerse urself in just everything before u and be a lost soul.

yup maybe thats just what i need; i need to lose myself. and not be restricted. i guess everyone wants to be free physically. but i wanna be free of emotions that hold me back, that make me bonded and obligate. *i should just listen to thiviya and stop eating onions and garlics*

these nightmares have to stop.. and i must gain my old self and confidence back. those days. why do i have to fight internal battles always?

to pray is my only hope.

shree.

sm 09

i am fucking stressed.

sange muzhangu. work. tuitions. n a perturbed mind

sucks this whole combination. i dunno how long i can last this way. hate it. loathe it.

i am so bloody confused. the confused kid theory sets in again. makes my life no better.

all that sudden incompetency is not helping

gives me the creeps

i wanna get outta this shithole

i need to see the horizon to swim further. but its too dark dude, and u block the sunlight even further.

sum things u just cant say. all that secrets in the chambers of ur heart. to no avail. such forbiddence.

i wanna see myself smile again. be tt mindless freak i was last sat at o bar.

i need a break. and one badly.

pretty pls. stop time and let me run ahead.

adioz.

2nd post

தமிழுக்கு என்னையே அர்ப்பணித்த காரணங்களில் இதுவும் ஒன்று...

கவின்மிகு பாடல் வரிகள்...

1. இளைய கன்னியின் இமைத்திடாத கண் இங்கும் அங்குமே தேட (யமுனை ஆற்றிலே)


2. அழகாக சிரித்தது அந்த நிலவு


3. ஒரு கோடி மின்னலை பார்வை ஜென்னலாய் வீச சொல்லியா கேட்டேன்? இனி நிலவை பார்க்கவே மாட்டேன் (நான் வானவில்லையே)


4. அற்றை திங்கள் அன்னிலவில், கொற்ற பொய்கையில் ஆடுகையில், ஒற்றி பார்வை பார்த்தவனும் நீயா? (நறுமுகையே)


5. நீ அழைக்கின்ற வேளையில் உயிர் பூ திடுக்கின்று மலரும் (புது வெள்ளை மழை)


6. கருப்பு வெள்ளை பூக்கள் உண்டா? உன் கண்ணில் நான் கண்டேன்... உன் கண்கள் வண்டி உண்ணும் பூக்கள் என்பேன் (சுட்டும் விழி சுடரே)


7. வாழை குமரியடி கண்ணம்மா, மருவக் காதல் கொண்டேன் ( சுட்டும் விழி சுடர்)


8. வெண்ணிலவே விண்ணை தாண்டி வருவாயா? விளையாட ஜோடி தேவை! இந்த பூலோகத்தில் யாரும் பார்க்கும் முன்னே உன்னை அதிகாலை அனுப்பி வைப்போம்...


9. உன்னை பார்த்து எந்தன் தாய் மொழி மறந்தேன்! (கண்ணாளனே)

n the rest i am just too lazy to type...

adioz

some bastards

i cant slp.
with so many thots running thru my head...
i hate ths weight gain the suddenness of pimples
and the unexpected low self esteem.
it came even b4 pms.

i dun wan2 slp.
dun ask me y. i m in no mood to sit down discuss how who did this n what went wrong. arent we all a bit too old alrdy? hw abt thinking abt whr my future takes me instead?

sum ppl in my life try to think i am their fucking doll. interrogating me like a bloody convict. pride kills. false prides stabs u in the neck and u'll bleed till u run dry. and yes thats a curse.

its a dog eat dog world. den y ask me to be a vegetarian?am i not suppose to compete in the rat race as well?

why the fuck muz everything be seen as a forbidden ground? vaaname ellai. my mind has countless thoughts. how personal and peaceful. how secretive and... dangerous.

dreams unfulfilled. halting and i am responsible. when? when i see my face in the mirror and my dashed hopes stare back at me? shree, cant u handle this one, too?


i need this distraction. cos it won't last. period. i need my space to breathe and grow up.


and u fucking watch the way u speak to me.


adioz.

sugar rush

i am feeling so fucked up. i know its just the fucking sugar rush. the shark and the redbull did it.i cant stand it sumtimes. i hate this whole feeling.
that one wierd feeling in me and the trepidation is too much to hold. and the reoccuring thought is annoying.

u know what, i need a break. i cant wait for exams to end. i need to sit down, stare at the wall and be with myself. i miss myself so much. running ard, exams and all tt tuition and life with ntg for myself is annoying. fucking irritating.
and all that dough game, i wonder when tt stops.
i wanna slp, sugar is making me mentally tired i think. i wanna eat, the weighing scale scares me. i wanna have fun, the hole in my pocket is becoming bigger.
bitch. life is such a bitch. i feel like lamenting and lamenting. and i am not pmsing. its just the fucking sugar rush. and next tuesday, i gotta undergo the same shit. just cos of that stupid morning paper. u guys ok or not? who wants to start writing at 9am?? not me. thats almost the
time i am super deep in my slp.
watching the ny videos is bringing up loadsa memories. and like i said, the best thing that eva happened to me there is hariharan. i loved the freedom, unlike AC. the sch and the chinese ambience was wat i loved abt it the most. but i mean who is out there to dictate my life and tell me what i enjoyed and loved? the one reading this for KPO sake? or the ones who self proclaim the rights over my memories?

i am liking mafia wars. after so long, i actually like a game. and i cant access it now. how irritating is that? i mean u like smth and u dun get to play it and when i play it feel less stressed. i mean when i study gender, it tells me that men are such competitive ppl that they see everything as a game/competition. so why cant women see things this way? when we start challenging life, we are seen as stronger (cos we are) and then get stigmatized as a rebel? who the fuck gave u such wrong sociological opinions?

the mental life is affected u know, those who keep wanting all for themselves. from false pride to all that know-it-all attitude, i mean c'mon la. grow up. its over. and that pretty yet annoying lecturer who wrote me crap, i still like ur punctuality thingy.

Such random writing. incoherence. just like the thoughts in my damn head. a little nice word would do me some good. and less thinking. and no seeing. and mafia wars. and no more shark and redbull.
individuality works for me, trust me. as long as i keep running the day with work, sch, tuition and walk walk walk talk, i am sane. and thats the onli way to find out. on the contrary.

adioz

கேளடி kanmani

ntg seems very personal anymore, does it? somehow evryone has their two cents to add into my life.

i am suffering frm slight insomnia.

i think n think n think.

exam tmr and here i am awake.

Psalm 20

appa

durga parameshwari


settled.


adioz.

tamil

எனக்கு நித்திரை வருகிறது. சற்று ஓய்வெடுக்கலாமே என்று மனதில் தோன்றுகிறது.மனத்திரையில் அவனது முகமே உலா வருகிறது. அதனாலே தூக்கம் வருகிறதோ என்னவோ? இருபத்தி ஒன்றாம் வயதில் ஏற்படும் மாற்றங்களில் இதுவும் ஒன்றோ? காதலைவிட என் கல்வியிலும் என் கள்ளாப்பெட்டியிலுமே நாட்டம் அதிகமுண்டு!

with all the economic crisis and more women staying single, maybe this could be an alternative mindset for all those women with high aspirations.


கனவிலே கண்டேன் நான் ஒரு பாரதியார் புதுமைபெண் என்று!
அதிலும் கண்டேன் உன் சேயிக்கு நானே தாய் என்று!

ஜெஸ்ரீ
personal power is the ability to take action.


happiness is sitting next to me. i so need to get back to some serious studying.

back

i am jobless and aimless. tuitions dun count. aaaargh. boredom kills me.
i have been very happy. for d past wk at least. i dunno. have been myself with myself.

sch will start in a mth.
waiting.

adioz

losing it

after a month, almost.
exams are over and the pressure has not left me.

i am feeling like a total idiot.
i am so bloody unhappy, like fuck man!

i need to do so many bledi fucking things and i haven got time to be there for myself.
cb its so bloody irritating.
i know i sound selfish. but let me be.
i wanna live for myself. at least i dun feel like a fucking fool anymore. at the end of the day, i am glad it was done for me.

i aint anybody's maid. i need a life on my own. freedom to do wat i feel like. screw it i aint young anymore. i wanna slp when i wan to. sing when i wan to. eat when i wan to. study when i wan to. go out when i wan to. be there for myself if i wan to.

i wanna be free.
wanna be alone.


i am feeling lonely and i am happy abt it.
cos no one really is out there for me.
its a fucking selfish world.
there is no fucking thing as friends, family, love or relatives.


face it man.
its just u n u alone.
only my degree burns with me when i die.

its gonna be me and my mirror only. pls all those fake friends and those 'i cant live without u' 'call me anytime u need me' 'frenz forever' drama ppl. .I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING LYING.

THERE IS REALLY NO ONE OUT THERE FOR ANYONE.

one for one. none for all.

adioz.

my thoughts

today is the 8th. the day i reached australia,perth, exactly 5 yrs ago... that very saturday...
and when the sunday night came... i knew my life had changed forever... i had lost my pillar of strength.

recently i have been feeling pretty 'dependent'. maybe cos i have not been running ard for tuitions and stayin in sch to study for long hrs. feels gd yet smth is so amiss.


u know smtimes u just feel that u are missing this part of ur life. this void. and i know its not cos of my appa. hmmm. when u feel the loss of attention, thats when u feel it best.the loss i mean.
well i hope that by staying away, i will gain at the end. i hope.

i just heard this horrendous news that i was 60 kg last yr on nov 28. i dunno how far its true. while thiv says its not true and my other half says that it is definitely true... i dare ask anyone to bring a weighing scale to me now. Your Highness weighs a near-to-petite 47 kg. wahahaha. we'll see if i can lose another 2kg more by xmas.

oh well. i have been having nightmares for a long time. of being chased, of being cheated, of falling and hurting myself n wat not. scary sial...

well i better go eat n study. cant waste much time, can i?


adioz.

lost my voice. happy :)

over a short period of 4 days, i guess i fell too sick. lost my voice and cant seem to get out of bed. luckily i managed a day out with my friends for diwali visiting on saturday.


crap i think i am having a horrid breakout on my alrdy fairly bad complexion.


i have soo many things to speak abt. to speak my mind. but suddenly i feel all sorts of restrictions on me. those that i have put on myself. hmmmm crap.


certain things i have to say.


i aint mourning any loss of any particular friend in my life.


i have alrdy labelled you a bitch. so beware not to cross my path cos u are so gonna fuck-slammed in ur ears.


what goes around comes around. sorry, i know i should be by ur side, but i cant help but feel this way as well. i do feel very sorry for u and i wish u good. and thanks Kanna, i wonder if i wld have reacted as maturedly as u if i were in ur shoes. i really doubt so.


watch what i say to you. i know its always better to keep a distance. cos i nvr know when u gonna stab me in my back once 30 days is up. once bitten, twice shy.


i kinda have this odd feeling in me. i know its utterly ridiculous at this point of time but yeah, i cant quite help it though. *laughs*


oh hell. my running nose screws me up again. its running faster than i do. well anyth does.



adioz.

my attempt to revive my blog
so sem exams are approaching
diwali is over.


i need to start studying and it starts from tmr!!! ( i hope)
tuitions just ended. but luckily for me this yr i have kids who wan tuition thruout holz.


thiv asked me to blog at my feelings. maybe i shd.


hmmm. i guess giving in is all abt life. no i mean life is all abt giving in.
i guess i shd no longer waste my efforts in getting angry and feeling hurt. its really all up in our minds.
i mean, lets just be silently 'selfish'? muz i think so much and create such emotional turmoil for myself?
if i choose to let go and have no expectations of ppl ard me... i know for sure life will be a better place.
*oh god. i got a bit confused here*

well anyway thiv made this kind observation of me n my activties. individualistic she said.
i cant deny. me gg to sch, my classes n tuition n heading home with no social life etc.
niva also goes thru the same routine as me. well, sumtimes we work so much for the future and dun live for the present. it sucks. but when u know that u are gg broke the next wk itself, might as well get ur ass off to work right?like i have a choice, dammit!

recently, my other half said that i am being very childish. i have realised that i am being such an idiot to some people in my life. i have taken steps to seriously rectify it. but isn't it just nice to sit down and wish u were a child all over again? sighz. i miss those days man.


yes thiv, we will make up for all the time we din spend together by going out after exams. first place, SHOPPING!
next makan, makan, makan in tekka! yey.

my last thought of the day is that, if i really want to, i can. although i do relapse into my those 'off' moods and become such as ass, i suppose, it is still under my control.

wel, i suppose i just wanted to be a gd gal today and blog like an angel.

oh well.

woman by birth, bitch by choice.
adioz.

mess

right now everything is a mess.
from my room to my modules to my schedule to this blog to my relationships.

room
its a mess. has always been. now cos of spring cleaning, its even worse. books and clothes strewn everywhere.

modules
i keep reading but it des not end. annoying. i am up to date yet not. confusing! in the arts fact, reading nvr endsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..................................

schedule
who said teaching tuition was easy? now they are having their exams. den tuition ends. we have exams and we go broke. wtf
navratri sucked the living breathe outta me. uuurgh.
sch sch sch. paatu and dance class. i cant complain enuf yet all these truly hold my sanity.

blog
loadsa drafts saved... incomplete.
dun feel like posting them. let me see, wat more excuses can i give?

relationships
friends.fiends.
funny.
how u think they know u so well but then and again they prove u wrong.
i so believe that frens can be ur downfall as well as uplift u in many ways.
my other half thinks that friends are the world.
my best friend spends his salary on them.
my babe just think they cant understand her ever
my dhostu just changed her mind abt me after suffering a few injuries

and i here feel so upset that the frens i thot were the coolest ever dun rmbr a thing abt being cool and worse still abt the times we were really close.
so very odd. its damn sad
i think i so rmbr every moment with such love for many of the ppl i deem close and i go like,
'hey do u rmbr blah blah blahblah?'(with a fucking stupid excited tone)
and den i get a blank look
OR
"oh yaaaa!" and den they tell me smth that does not even exist to my imagination.


i am such a wild dreamer and i dream a lot abt having fun.
thing is, i usually dun have fun. i dun seem to have time and so i hold on to dreams and memories. but ppl dun see such things.
basically they forget.


for me this does not work out entirely.
this day, seated at my laptop and doing the usual that i have not in months makes me feel odd.

cos i realise i have missed out loads and i dun/CAN'T seem to regret it a bit. (except the bit whr i have missed out on downloading songs) i suppose my 'frens' have made them worthless in the meantime.

and den haran replies me telling me how we both cant be without each other...
i guess friendship is a ship that nvr sinks after all!


adioz.