back in sch.haiz. cun even rmbr my log-in details.am so detached all of a sudden. i haf a bloody big prob with myself realli.
i hated AC like shit.felt so out of place.fantastic teachers n mates ard me. now that i haf to leave it, i feel all sad. how true that u'll nvr appreciate smth when its right there b4 u. i muz say i've been the same with everyone else. after losing em all, i realise that i nvr reali appreciated them while they were ard. am sure u understand, dun u?
such one person i lost n can nvr redeem wld be u appa. after all u nvr gave me the chance to see u b4 u left, but left me here to deal with life all by myself. funny how i had bade a literal final goodbye to u. u bring tears to my eyes daddy. it stings real hard. after losing u, everyone knows i am no longer the confident gal with the aura of arrogance ard me. i had to hold it on to me, no longer oozing out of me naturally. so to u all out there, dun eva think ppl ard u stay foreva. trust me. i learnt it in a hard way n of cos, there is no turning back. i still rmbr ur face on that white cloth, with that green sari over. and the clothes that were put in ur coffin, all except the one i bought for u, which happened to be right beneath the last folded shirt in the stack they took for u. Cruel. pain. appa u r making me cry in school. u r the ONLY thing i wan to rmbr in my life. the only pain i will gladly endure.my pillar of strength shattered. r u seeing me from there?u better. n i will join u soon. then we'll look down from above together. as dad n daughter, forever.
so pappa u see, i cant realli study these days. i kinda lost it. been thinking of repeating A'levels also. haha my teacher said it was a dire option.haha Mrs. Creffield. my pretty woman. n ya dun reali seem to be concentrating. haiz i dunno. have loadsa plans for dec onwards. hope i dun back out like a coward again reali. u watch me from there k. maybe i'll make u proud. i dunno. maybe not.
who will forget the times u forced us all to eat? n everytime i go hungry, I SWEAR to all the gods out there, i only rmbr u, n ur giving hands, that nvr made me hungry n now i'm so deprived of ur love. i am so angry with u realli.
one of the best things abt being ard now is definitely Karter, Kavin, Keertan. appa we all believe keertan is a reincarnation of u. he looks a bit malay, perspires ever so quickly jus like u. and once, he took a small piece of tissue n started wiping the table, jus like u always do. amma started crying after she saw tt. but ya we all believe he is. me too. u will come back right?
appa i want to follow u.maybe a singing career down the road.devotional songs n maybe teach younger kids. i rmbr the last song u sang to me b4 u left me. kavithaiye theriyuma. i din tell u then appa.i'll tell u now. it was lovely. whenever i hear it now, i only hear ur voice singing it. u still live with me, dun u?
i dunno wat more to say.waking up another day is waking to another 24 hrs of u not with us anymore. this post is dedicated to u, n of cos it goes, vanishing, jus like the numerous thinge we offer u during prayers. the sotong sambal we once shared no longer touches my taste buds, n i now rmbr... jus two days b4 u left me , i held ur hands with the computer mouse to help u click.
i'm not longer shy to cry in school anymore.wherever, whenever, i cant run away from ur memories. U r living appa. sumwhere out there...n till the day i reach u, these tears will never dry.
anaithu kondaaye... pinbu yeno sendraai...