awaiting 2008

hmmm. i am super tired after work. but i wanna tire myself out even more so that i dun dream. cos everytim i dream, i get nightmares. of u. promise.
i have pushed u far away. yet u bug the fuck outta me. i hate this. and i guess it wun take me long to go down the hate-road towards u.

i am eagerly awaiting 2008. i have so many thing to do and i just pray all will materialise. yupz. sch, work, dance, paatu, and wat not - enuff to keep mt occupied, outta danger and a single bird. frankly i dun wan any responsibilities to tie me down. except for all that i have to serve my family, i guess i take no liabilty in anyone else's life anymore.

btw i am feeling gd. and a lot lot better. its been lovely 'waking' up after shit six months and its even more lovely to wake up in the afternoons! (mum i hope u understand this). damn i am nvr a morn person. if only the day begin at 12 p.m.

well well shree better go now. and i rmbr my four new yr resolutions.

1. W*****
2. S*****
3. M****
4. better grades


adioz.

if u were dead, we wun haf to pay this much

i'm back. like only half an hr ago. quickly took my shower and i seriously wanna blog. need this outlet badly.

i am feeling so fucked up. the trip to Cameroon was ok. ntg fantastic there honestly. the weather was chilly. and i loved to slp thr. din quite shop also.

there was a traffic jam on the way back. i seriously wanted to blog so much. but wateva that happened mins ago has made me chock. CB.

looks like the only way to live life is to live for urself. i guess its enough. if after this i still dun wake up to reality, then my downfall is entirely up to me.

everything is climbing up my head. enough if enough.

have some pride gal. respect urself.


else look into the mirror and spit at ur face.

holiday

hey peeps.

i am away on a holiday from xmas nite till coming sat morn.

so pls do not contact me on my hp yeah.do not wish to bring it along with me.

Merry Merry Xmas to one and all.

Huggies.

adioz.

fab msged me

a lil' surprise came my way today.
unexpected but well, i held it in my heart special. and this just means more hurt is on its way.

well, i was watching this dance show today, on sun tv. well u guys know wat it is. there were so many cock-ups in that show la. alamak. and u know, sum stuff were just totally unfair. like they played tamil songs for the mauritius team who obviously had no idea wat song they were dancing for. singapore did gd n i m proud of u guys! after hady mirza n all tht fame for my motherland is making me one arrogant citizen!

well the headache is getting me so irritated but hell, i cant do anyth abt it!

haha well bala,praba,miru,and hema are here and we are all gonna sit down and slack!!



adioz.

grounded. and it sucks

i am grounded and it sucks. i m feeling so fucked up. altho i am super broke, i din even ask them for money. and the best part is everyone is gg out.

i hate this.

in btw smth that made me smile.
esp the last part.

and i feel like doing the same thing to u.





i fucking need to let my devil scream.


aaaaaaaaargh.

i rmbr i rmbr

my 100th post
dedicated to u.



i rmbr i rmbr...

i rmbr i rmbr everything that had happened btw us
i rmbr i rmbr all those times i fed u
i rmbr i rmbr the time u fought with me cos i din feed u
i rmbr i rmbr the days we drove up to the beach and ate breakfast in the car waiting for our workdays to start
i rmbr i rmbr u used to fetch me after temple and not start driving till i smear the holy ash on ur forehead
i rmbr i rmbr the times u stole away from ur camp just to fetch me and meet up for lunch
i rmbr i rmbr the day u locked me outta ur room just cos u were angry
i rmbr i rmbr the sms u sent me saying that i'd make a fantastic wife and u wanted to start a family with me
i rmbr i rmbr the time u fought with me in the morn and surprised me minutes later in the train
i rmbr i rmbr u brought me to ur friend's death anniversary prayers but left me in the car crying after a fight cos u din want to explain to ur friends who i was
i rmbr i rmbr u saying tat i was an embarassment to u cos i had put on weight
i rmbr i rmbr watching u sleep all those hours and how u'll wake up smiling cos u were jus happy to see me there watching u sleep
i rmbr i rmbr i surprised u one morn by appearing at ur doorstep and u were grinning ear-to-ear
i rmbr i rmbr u wetting ur hair again after u had forgetfully dried it after ur shower cos u wanted me to dry it for u
i rmbr i rmbr u complaining on the phone in the wee hours saying that u cun cycle/climb/swim and all that extreme sports with me
i rmbr i rmbr u saying that there were many out there for u and u just had to choose whoever u wanted but u chose to do me a favour by being with me
i rmbr i rmbr u said that ur parents were gg to be surprised upon seeing me cos i was not that model/tall/super hot gf like ur ex-gfs.
i rmbr i rmbr u refusing to answer my calls and made me wait under ur block for two hrs b4 the day u went to KL and the next day u msged me saying that u were upset i din meet u
i rmbr i rmbr u deleted the 1000-over smses we had sent each other in the 1st mth n u kept the nasty ones so that u will rmbr those harsh moments
i rmbr i rmbr the way u fully trusted me and nvr suspected/questioned me
i rmbr i rmbr u telling me that u rather die den to lose me. yes i still have that sms
i rmbr i rmbr u saying that u will love me from wherever u are should u only have 15 mins to live. have that sms too
i rmbr i rmbr u writing to me from ur course, saying every other day u wished u were back in my arms
i rmbr i rmbr how u,annoyed, called me a chatterbox and 'apparently had a lot to say' after not talking to u for a month
i rmbr i rmbr u following me to Hindi class and the subsequent ones u went for was cos u had to go and it was no longer for shree cos she was already urs
i rmbr i rmbr for one of the hindi classes u decided to be really sweet and came right after my class ended just to send me back home altho u din go for it
i rmbr i rmbr i came smiling up to ur room the first time ur dad spoke to me - and that was almost after a mth i knew them
i rmbr i rmbr u scolded me late one night just cos i asked u to go out with me tt wkend
i rmbr i rmbr u did not call me after u returned from ur one and a half month course and made me cry the whole nite and u refused to answer my calls and lied to me the next day that u did msg me
i rmbr i rmbr the day u left for ur course ur parents and sister were speaking to me abt how much they loved ur ex gf who cheated on u and ran away.
i rmbr i rmbr the day ur dad scolded me on the fone cos i wanted to see ur mum n clean ur room and told me not to go to ur place... all after u left
i rmbr i rmbr the front-row yogi-b concert tickets u bought for me n i thoroughly enjoyed the show while missing u badly cos u cun make it
i rmbr i rmbr u told me u completely had no time for me but u had time to update ur facebook/friendster and wat not.
i rmbr i rmbr u told my bro first that u had gotten ur ranger badge when i had prayed for u and ur safety all the days u were at ur course and i had to find out tt u passed thru him
i rmbr i rmbr u dropped me off at a busstop near ur granny's place cos u wanted to end it all and later came back to fetch me
i rmbr i rmbr we fought on the streets at tampines just cos my friend passed u food in a container u din like, which had totally ntg to do with me and later to make it up to me, u brought me to Delifrance and bought me my favourite bread pudding.
i rmbr i rmbr all the sinful desserts we indulged in and the gulab jamun moments which i swear i will nvr forget
i rmbr i rmbr u waking me up at 3.45am to tell me u ended work and indirectly told me u wanted to meet me by saying u had ntg to do. and u waited at my door.tt nite u took back ur clothes that i had kept with me throughout the period u were away and u were angry tt i had not washed them - cos i smelled them day and nite and even cried over them cos i had missed u.
i rmbr i rmbr the day u told me i was too dependent on u and that u were moving on
i rmbr i rmbr i saw myself weak on the chair and my chest all tightening cos i cld not accept the rejection and i started to beg u till u refused to reply to my msges
i rmbr i rmbr i called up my friends for help and they called me a weakling
i rmbr i rmbr i gave myself just two mins to end the two-month wait for u and snap myself outta this dangerous game


there is a lot more i rmbr i rmbr my dear heart.
i fatefully and faithfully walk down memory lane every other day.
and as the heart refuses to forget and ache for u,
i just choose to move ahead forcefully.

i am half-hearted abt turning back the clock tho.
i just wish that one day for jus one moment... u will turn back and...


maybe smile abt wat had happened...



a rollercoaster ride it was.

adioz.

lesson learnt. fabian is over.

i apologise that my blog has been dormant for a long time. i had a restriction on it, as i supposedly revealed too much. now that the restriction is off, shree is free to express her thoughts.

and yes that means that i will swear to myself that truth eventually knocks down ur door to let u know that its u i am blogging abt today. and even if it hurts ur eyes to see it all, too bad. badmouth me all u wan. its my life. and mine to decide.

well the past six months has taught me lessons. firstly, dun let dogs enter an open house. next, if u have plans to do smth, do it! thirdly, when sumone makes u feel super dooper low abt urself, forget it. just walk out.

when i mean plans, i shd be in india now, studying since July, Loyola college. but hell.

point is, i nvr saw myself so low. and weak. it was depressing. every min of it. yes it takes two hands to clap. but when u realise its ur mistake, and try to rectify it, and the other party isn't willing, screw it. i kept thinking of effort. of promises made. of making a difference. bt i was thinking wrong. completely.

depression. din help. and it screwed me up even badly. and sumone just comes up to u and says, "snap outta it" , " u have a prob and tts not my prob" (or along those lines) like wat the fuck? u said i was an embarrassment. problematic. emo. unstable. yet u ate off my hands. but u know wat, i wun forget all tt happened. very positively. i rmbr everyth tt happened. and its all here to stay. i am still happy it all did work... at least it did.

looking back, i guess i knew it all along. just tt i was stubborn. i mean who all warned me. who all said no. how many times did i fight just cos i was stubborn? and even den, i held on. held on. just cos i believed. wrongly tt is. but i am this way with anth/anyone else. just wanna be stubborn. and wanna hold on.

status quo now is - i have decided to let it all go. n nvr turn back. its soooo scary. i nvr have been afraid like this b4. all that happened. sighz. lessons learnt. and its funny. all it takes is the mind. to do it all for myself. no longer for anyone else.

call me selfish. yes stubborn. i just believe in fighting and gg to extremes to get wat i want. i suppose that is my weakness and strength after all. one person in my life is not gonna determine who i am. who the fuck are u to judge?

and of cos i play a major major role in all that mess in my life. i accept it all. i did it to myself and got it all for myself. i liked it. loved it. but it was not meant for me. and God, u pulled me thru wat i thought i nvr cld go thru.

so u r still in my prayers. and so are u, u and u. and all that stupid excuses i need not hear anymore. cos i know the moment u said u are moving on, i saw it. i was the loser, and i admit it humbly.

i aint gonna call u names. no bastard. no SOB. ntg. chey such words wun come out. and so will the 'na' , 'bhuddha' , 'bee' and 'old man'. nope. all gone. with the wind.

this has been a huge ego hit now tat i think abt it. but to think i lost it to the one i truly loved at that time seems all okay. we have seen worse. and i just believe that there is definitely a reason. all i await now is the yr to end; to start afresh and to learn from all the mess u and i did in our lives.

regrets? yes and no. i am lucky i tell u. i almost made a big mistake. there is no room for turning back. and altho i begged till the last second to hold on (like literally), maybe its just good u din agree. thanks.

nw i wanna see u walk down that road all by urself and i will be right here behind u. right here behind u. watching. silently. just doing that n ntg else.

like how one of my frens once said,

one day when u wake up and realise that u need me, i will wake up beside sumone who already knew.

i aint sad. well no longer. i am gd. and strong. u saw too much of that weakened shree. that lady who disintegrated infront of u. nah. cannot la mike. and funny how i went back to sumone else to sort out my feelings. and i need to. i feel better. its my right to be.

and so the flame has been ignited again.( not to burn u like how once u feared wahahaha) and like how i din wan it at all den, and u made ur way thru my life, i aint gonna allow all that anymore with anyone else. till i fully see myself ready, den i will allow my life n love to be one all over again.

on a lighter note, shree has gotten rid of that one burden. all free.wahahaha

and like how i always do, i hate to mention names. no one is eva gonna know who this person is. but i am sorry if u catch me serving slumberland... and u hear me say,
"oh, Fabian..."

ooopz.

here's Shree for u.

Woman by birth; Bitch by choice.

adioz.

ACJC

To everyone who went to ACJC at least once in their lives.
♥

You know you're from ACJC when..

- You have the hottest guys/girls in town
- Almost half of your friends speak Chinese worse than AngMo
- You have to deal with such a thing called "swim pe"
- Your pants is hanging on to your butt like it's holding on to dear life
- Your skirt is a mini-skirt... Plus your shirt is never tucked in but you pretend it is
- It takes you 18 years to realize the majority listen to Chinese music
- From time to time you get a sense that any good address should end with the phrase "The Best is Yet to Be"
- You and your friends go crazy when a turtle car scoots into view.
- You have a principal say "DONCH" all the time.... Lim H.... S...n.
- You start running out of class once your friends start singing "Happy Birthday", then you find yourself in the pool naked after they catch you
- You feel like telling Gurmit to shove the $10 (fine for stepping on the track) up his ass.
- You think Jimmy Tong is a hero.
- Potential councilors campaign by promising to ensure that there will be a constant supply of toilet paper in the girl’s toilet
- You HAVE to alter your skirt, or you're not cool and people laugh at you.
- When other people give you funny looks when you say the coolest place is the void deck.
- You call the stands, the bleachers.
- When u ignore the rumors about the western stall auntie refrying her soggy fries in yesterdays' already black oil and queue up anyway cause its the shortest queue in the canteen.
- You understand what's Wan Way and Lenn Way's Link
- You meet your friends at the Smiley to go to Holland V for Haagen-Dazs
- you don't have to retake Chinese even if you got less than A2
- I can ask you if she's really the RJC prom queen and you know exactly who I'm talking about
- When you rejoice and jump up and down in LT4 after receiving a C6 for Chinese, shouting "thank you Lord!" and see people running towards you with congratulatory hugs
- When you start lining up for the free parent-cooked/ Mrs.Tan-cooked dinners at 5.30 during exam periods
- Red, Blue and Gold start becoming your favourite colors
- When you actually miss chapel, and When you actually expect to hear Majulah Singapura every morning in perfect acapella harmony.
- No, it's not a $10 fine for walking on the track anymore. by (2003/2004) it was RUN TEN ROUNDS around the track. A group of guys from my batch actually had to, in full school uniform.
- When you just have to study in school during exams even though it's damn noisy and you have to shove your iPod into your ears all the time.
- You think that your school uniform is cooler with the shirt than the yellow PE T-shirt.
- You know that "mass pe" is just a cover for "mass suicide".
- You know the "ham-sum" joke.
- You know you're from ACJC when you hear "Mass PE" and cower in fear ;)
- When u don't bat an eyelid when people call you snob or rich kid...
- When you think a 4-minute cab ride to Holland Village is perfectly acceptable and commonly practised!
- You have climbed down the side of the school near the canteen, through the fence behind the tennis courts or conned the guard with fake mc 'cause you're late
- You never wish to trade your time there for anything else! You shudder to think that you could have been at any other junior college!
- When you clamour for all the school-based shirts (the AC shirt, the polo, the house shirts, the CCA shirts) but they're all sold out way too fast. :(
- You leave a mountain of Hacks sweet wrappers at the back of every Lecture Theatre you enter..
- You know where the Champions Table is
- When its the best 3 years of your life...
- You wanted a pink slip to zhao class... or was it the blue slip?
- You just can't stop drinking Milo!
- You have to take GP tests after being given tonnes of newspaper articles to read and mug... though we had often made use of "peer marking" to help ourselves to pass w/o reading a single shread of news.
- We have our prelims scheduled extremely early compared to the rest of the other JCs.. AUGUST?!?!
- You have to hide/run away from Bangla workers instead of teachers in an attempt to 'pontang' school
- You're in town with your classmates "selling FUN-O-RAMA tickets in our secondary schools"
- You don't mind being seen in Orchard Road with your school uniform - its the coolest in Singapore after all.
- The words "Raffles", "RJ", "RI", or anything of the sort, are either preceded, or followed, (or even both), by several expletives in a variety of languages and dialects.
- You start your morning with the words "Mari kita, 1, 2 sing..."
- You remember the school dogs named "Milo, Horlicks, Teh, Kopi, Cookies & Cream".. Heard that they got cooked and eaten by the Bangladesh workers????? :(
- Your English Literature teacher makes you and the whole class scream "PENNNNNNNNISSSSSS" at the top of your voice (Volpone)
- You enter through the front gate, wave a merry goodbye to doting parents, and scoot out of the back gate on your way to bum at Orchard the likes. Lessons, assembly etc all bypassed (applies to the pre-renovated building batch)
- You find that you own more than one of the following ACJC apparel or accessories: T-shirt, windbreaker, sweater, socks, towel, file, pencil, post-it notes, car windscreen shades, umbrella, (the list goes on...)
- You’re always hounded by current students to purchase Fun-O-Rama tickets; and then spend them on the previously mentioned items above...
- When you call the short bearded cleaner MARIO, and the Security Guard SADDAM.
- B-efore Saddam, the previous Security Guard was called LUIGI.
- You know that a SCone is not a fruitcake
- When the name Goh Tiong Gee (sp?) rings a bell...
- You're actually proud of your uniform (esp in comparison to some who had to wear green flaire skirts even in JC)
- When you know where the hocks, ruggers, swimmers and other cca tables are.
- When you understand what the word "candeck" means.
- When you certainly don't drive Mers on a lease


courtesy of Facebook group ACJC

divine intervention

After so many years, i took my Holy Bible and went to the Psalms section, and prayed.

Prayed hard. Begged.

It seems that only immediate divine intervention would help me.

Else, i have smth up my sleeve that would make me regret and regret every single moment of life in future.


Please.
.
.
.
.
.
adioz.

the tears this nite

the tears came this nite. kept away from it for almost three wks but it returned. and tt too when i was trying to slp.

my biological clock has been upset. i now slp in the day and stay up all nite, usually in sch, to study. the number of productive hrs is another issue altogether.

am counting down. 10 more days b4 i make my way to india. cant wait.

i seriously wanna slp now. but i fucking cant. i am so angry with myself.

eva since i got wet in the rain, i know i am gonna fall sick. but i am controlling it so much. n today as i lay in bed, the usual baby-me came out as i felt so feverish. the shree to be damn maanja and attn seeking. sighz. i wonder if i will grow out of it.

i think we smtimes just cannot move away from ppl who are sooo annoying. sum just test u to see if we care for them. sum use means and ways to seek ur attn, and altho failing terribly, they still do it, thru underhand means. sum r even better. they expect u to beg. n to show tt u care. and show tt u r there. but refuse to reciprocate. stubborn. another category is when u urself dun bother, have no time for them and when u get all guilty and apologise, they act oblivious like as tho they din curse u behind ur back. in these four classifications - u r in one of it. dun bother doubting that.


the skepticality of simple life, of mere existence and of sheer pleasure has become such a common feature of uncommon reality-checks. and when doubts get planted, confidence just shatters and fear of failure settles in.


just a little note to u.
no matter hw skeptical u have been; and unwilling as well, let me assure u smth. there have been a million doubts planted here as well. there is a huge fear of failure in me too. but putting that at the back of my head, i am moving forth. with hope and more hope. cos i believe and believe. and will live to see my dreams come true. and will not let u down in the due process, but strive to prove what i have promised u. i dun give up easily. strong-headed. u know it as much.


well so, my lids are slightly heavy now. drowsy. eyes are closing. lids wanting to hug each other. i shan interfere. wanna hit the couch. only way to wake up to study later. i have u to accompany me thru my dreams. and my lil baby pillow to give me that security. sounds perfect.

one last note.

to that F annoying swine who has tried to screw my tagboard to be as ugly as ur fuggly ass, dun bother anymore.

ur IP has been tracked.





adioz.

substitutes

i keep finding substitutes to feel in the voids in my life.


Justified?

after ps tut.infront of thiv

shree.is.in.sch.

smth is disturbing me.i dun quite know wad is it.
i jus hope its the high sugar content of red bull ysdty nite that is giving me this uncanny feeling. sum sorta trepidiation. well i did read abt heart palpitation as an effect of energy drinks. its taking its effect after 3 cans, of all days today.

am listening to ' அக்னி குன்சொன்று கண்டேன் ', composed by bharathi, sung by bombay jayashree. superb.
sumone pls explain to me abt my lil love affair with subramania bharathiar. smth abt him. makes me happy. smth abt his death (he was only 38). makes me wanna cry. smth abt his life. makes me sad. smth abt his supposed 'madness'. makes me excited. smth abt chellama. makes me jealous. smth abt ' அச்சமில்லை '. makes me strong. smth abt ' யாமறிந்த மொழிகளிலே '. makes me feel smarter. smth abt ' சுட்டும் விழி '.makes me fall in love. smth abt ' விட்டு விடுதலையாகி '.makes me feel free.

wanna fly and fly.

என் வசம் இரண்டடுக்கு ஆகாயம்...

just finished PS tutorial. sighs. i dunno if i am clearer or more blur. i am so vexed. and its awful knowing tt u have more to study when u just thought u had finished studying. aaaaaaarggh. i was itching so badly in the lecture theatre that i thought i wld scratch my skin apart. even my ears were itching! dammit. and i seriously have no idea what my sudden allergy to is. maybe its u.


i am feeling so bloody cold. sighs. i so need to be manjaa-ed. a bit the obvious. and i am such baby. but i guess its all abt the exams. when u wanna torture urself by studying so much and with such extreme actions (like how i cabbed home at four after studying my ass off in sch) and u just wanna be pampered all that fall out moments in btw. sighs. O levels were the easiest. After A's (which was a yr back dammit) uni exams just make it very clear to u that 24 hrs is insufficient and any amt of work u do is deemed inadequate. thr is no end to wat u can study. the more u do, the better. talk abt syllabus.


i am wierd. and i feel wired. and thr is this lack of current flowing thru.



மாதர் தம்மை இழிவு செய்யும்
மடமை யைக்கொ ளுத்துவோம்;
வைய வாழ்வு தன்னில் எந்த
வகையி நும்ந் மக்குளே
தாதர் என்ற நிலைமை மாறி
ஆண்க ளோடு பெண்களும்
சரிநி கர்ச மான மாக
வாழ்வம் இந்த நாட்டிலே.



ஆம். வாழ்வோம் இந்த நாட்டிலும். வாழ்க மஹாகவி. வாழ்க மங்கையர் குளம்.

disturbed.

disturbed.

i dun quite get it. first everything looks very positive. and it is encouraged. and den suddenly all the hype gets lost. and everyone starts discouraging you.

its enuff. seriously its enuff. i have had it enuff. i am angry. not so angry but yes i am. its a bitter feeling.

i hate how whatever i say gets ignored. smtimes those times seem a lot better. altho it was lonely, it was better. in my cocoon, i was myself. and i din have much to do i think. lesser contact with the outside world. it was me to myself and no one else. i regret. stepping out tis yr.

i wanna go. i wanna go where i wanna go. peace. peace. its peace i seek. and whatever i seek is what i have always wanted.

yes i am stubborn. i have always been. but i do try to reason out. i believe in trying. even if i fails, i am glad i tried. and that failure is another step to success. else how do i experience life? even if it means to lose a limb, let me do it. let me try. its all already written up there. who are u to change it all? or fear that i will fall? why? let me pls.

i jus suddenly realised that the transition from one reserved and sheltered soul to an open and 'a-bit-more-aware' soul has made me feel so uncomfortable. so bloody F uncomfortable.

perturbed.

leave me alone pls.

to YOU. thr is smth in me u have not quite seen. and its so sad hw u dun get a chance to. but time ago, i made a promise to myself. right in front of the mirror, str8 into my eyes. and tt promise to myself, and to u as well for the matter-of-fact, stays. and when i mean it stays, dun even try to slaughter me to break it. u'll fail. and fall. u'll fall at the feet of the strength of my promise.


இச்சகத்துளோர் எல்லாம் எதிர்த்து நின்ற போதிலும்
அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்பதில்லையே


adioz.

usp interview and movie with hema

today was a funny day.

i had my USP interview at 5. luckily i was in sch cos i got called up earlier.
as usual, smth really wierd happened at the interview. haha u muz read this.

so i was greeted by Prof. Kang and Prof. Chrys. i hate to do this, but i have to else u wun understand the story fully. Prof. K is a chinese and Prof. C is an indian. k gg on, they had a bit of trouble pronouncing my name. So i told them how to. so suddenly, P.C(pardon me) goes, 'what's the meaning of ur name?' i told him that there was no direct translation and that 'jay' meant victory and 'shree' meant holy. [isn't it so?] then he goes on saying no and that only 'jaya' meant victory and not 'jay'. sighz. P.C and P.K soon went into a fit abt my name and i was just looking at them both. [now thats a super wierd thing to do at an interview!!!] and yupz. btw when i told this to my political science tutor, he went like, 'den wat abt "jai hind?"' well i din think abt that then. wasted.
next question was 'who is the indian cricket team's captain?'. i was shell-shocked okie. he later questioned my nationality and said that it was okie i din know, he even asked if my dad watches cricket!! hello. i know i am dying to go to yindia but hell, i am a true blue singaporean! luckily P.K came to my rescue n said that it was a rather wierd question to ask a local student.
and then he asked me, what was my race. i said indian. he said that indian was not a race. supposedly, there are only three races in the world. Caucasians, Mongolites and the Negros. P.C said that 'negros' is not a bad term cos its just referring to their colour. P.K was quick to add that it was actully referring to their hair and now they have accepted six more races into the list and was unsure if indian was one of them. He said he always filled in forms as 'others' and asked wat do i do. i said 'indian'. then he went,'No by looking at ur features, ur eyes and nose and all, u are caucasian'. RIGHT. okie.
so later he asked me, 'how many strands of hair do u have? how wld u gimme a rough estimate?' i was like ??????. yeah finaly after thinking and discussing with them, i just told him that i would grab a lil bunch since my hair is bunch-permed and counts the strands in it, den give an estimate abt the number of bunches. P.K. was nice enuf to say it was a satisfactory answer and P.C. nodded.

haha.well even if i dun get to the USP, this is one interview that i am gonna rmbr for a long time, just like the one at SMU. haha

so yupz later hema and i had an impromptu rendezvous. after much hassle in the train, we ended up watching Game Plan. pretty decent and funny. wahaha.

sighz. i am tired. but i guess all work and no play makes Jack the dull boy.

well at least it makes Shree the dull gal.


i am looking back. and i am so gonna grab this bit of the past that is hanging on. and den i know i will have no regrets. i cant wait and i will wait for that bit of the life that i have been missing. ntg tangible but smth i know will make me a better person.


adioz.

missing fab.home alone.studying.

well well.

looks like some dimwits are there to annoy the hell outta me.
tho i do i have a rough idea who this mite be, i aint taking any chances.

so watch it. dun come questioning me why i aint got time for u. i mean if the hell ya so impt, gimme a ring and demand for time, or have guts enuff to state ur name. i will gladly oblige and answer u, if ya tt impt tt is.i am so pist man. if i am stuck on one particular person, well tts gd for me. and if i am stuck on schwork, hold and behold! even better. so WHAT IS UR DAMN PROBLEM??
screw off plz.


the past few days have been pretty productive is shd say. As Fab puts it, what other life-threatening issues have i got to settle other than to study? partially true eh. it makes me feel gd too. and yupz. i have been stuck on soya milk these past few days and a sudden craze for this old song.
yes its been pretty boring, hell but just 13 more days to my exams and 20 more days to the end of it all!
and yey!maybe to india after that... *whoooosh!*

btw i love the dance steps in machakaari song....aaah surya is so bloody hot. and watch him dance. haiz.








nenjukkul yethi kaladi satham ondru ketkirathey

little india.youtube

today with almost everybody from amma's place, i went to little india for dinner and den to vivo for fun. it was good. and yupz. with the number of ppl telling me that i have put on weight, i was so conscious of wat i ate. and damn. i have lost weight quantitively but everybody thinks i have put on more weight. damn. i just think its the curls doing tt mean job. grrrr.

well anyway i am dying to watch Om Shanti Om. free anyone??? crap. with exams coming up, i feel like shopping, clubbing and watching movies. but yup. i suppose these will be my rewards for mugging my ass off. i promised myself its gonna be a two-way thing. and knowing the stubborn me, i will do it la. somebody control my temptations pls! haha.

so yupz. to all u NTU peeps, have gr8 fun with ur exam week.

btw, its really sweet that many of my old frens are suddenly getting back in contact.

surya looks bloody good in VEL.

i chanced upon this particular video on youtube which got me laughing my ass off. damn. its so stooopid i so cant take it. btw the name of the clip is tamil movie comedy (or smth along tt line)








k enuf of all tht random blogging.

gtg back to Plato's Republic.



uruvaakinaai athikaalaiyai
aagave nee yen vaazhvin mokshame...

adioz.

dream come true

diwali came and went. just like that. it was a so-so thing. i guess i only can rmbr all the prep and housework that came along with it!!! and a little disappointment with fatigue too!


and so it was. fri was a day with wierd memories. and it looks like it is there to last. maybe. i woke up late and went down to sch. met thiv and did my work. wen to nuh to see an uncle and went back home. ntg special. back home, i was playing solitaire- much to the annoyance of thiv. but i knew for the reasons why i was playing it and i needed those reasons badly. as the night drew to an end, i thought abt father and cried quite a bit. den i went to bed. sulking away.

i thought of tis particular smth. closing the windows and getting ready to go to bed, i kept thinking of just one thing. and i made a silent wish. and i teared slightly as i made it. back in my room, i blasted my laptop with half the batt life and a special playlist was playing throughout the nite. i actually planned that my laptop shld die later on in the nite while i was aslp so that i din haf to wake up to switch it off. wanting to wake up early the next day as well, i put my phone on the loudest mode.

i held my pillow close to me. after mudhal mazhai, enadhuyire played. and akkam pakkam went on. i dozed off.

the next time i woke up, nenjinile was gg on in the backgrd. i grouchily went to my table and lowered the volume slightly. thinking of the little wish i had made, i smiled to myself and slowly drifted back to slumberland.


and then it happened. *go shorty, its ur bday...* my phone screamed with an incoming sms. *phoof* the next few smses and the two hrs after that...

it was all abt a wish that truly came true. much to my surprise.
with all that eagerness
with all that thunder and rain
with all that cold
and with all that mixed feelings


i rmbr i rmbr

the wish that came true.

thanks to u.



en vaasalil netru un vaasanai
nee nindra idam indru unarthean

its been four years dad

i can still feel the pain

i can still rmbr ur face

i can still hear yr words

i can still feel the hug u nvr gave me at the airport

i can still rmbr the last song u sang to me

i can still hear the way u cough

i can still smell the smoke of ur cigarette

i can still see ur face on ur death bed

i can still rmbr that green sari over ur body

i can still rmbr the way they brought u away

i can still feel the pain of losing u that very day



the tears are so fresh yet stale
fresh as they flow from my eyes like they did four yrs ago
stale as they are always there for u crying for u

i miss u appa. its been four yrs.

and i still cant accept this loss.
i just can't.
dun ask me to.


for as long as Shree lives, this one wound will be there to last.

adioz.

the answers to my yesterdays

three outta five down. sighs. two more essays due on friday!!! *bleagh.

well. i got an email from jaish. sumhow it seems like the answers to my yestrdays; and i like it. and here it is.


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


hmmm. thats pretty much a bit eh? but i guess its true. whether reason, season of lifetime, we shd treasure all.

and u. i wish ya gonna be there for a lifetime. really

adioz.

in amma's place

love makes and love breaks.

its funny how the intangible always take precedence in our lives.

well anyway,
i am in mum's place now. came for dad's prayers. the boys were such brats really. but cute. cute. cute.

i just wonder. why is it so easy for one to deviate from wat is to be done? its kinda silly and yet really sucky to know that u've just sidetracked and start pushing urself back on track.

it sucks. i have a philo essay due in 17 hrs and i have only prepared for it. gotta type it out and that means staying up the whole nite to do it. sighz. now ask me again why i am blogging?? i cant get my mind to start it. damn i am super tired.

this festive season is taking its toll on me. does not quite help that my mum is overly-enthu abt getting the house done. and i cant quite be too blase abt it right? and this only means by the time thurs comes, we all are dead-tired;fatigue-shot.

i have random thoughts running thru my head. and most of them is usually abt u. abt wat has happened. what is happening. and what is gg to happen. i m positive. and hopeful. every minute.

well life always takes shock trips and smtimes even unexpected short ones. to places whr we least expect to go to. and when our hearts takes a roadtrip, its bloody difficult to turn back. and to act as though u din go there in the first place is even more difficult. and yupz. and all that nonchalence and ignorance will get u no whr. but give u more and more heartache. and unpleasant stuff to face.

and so u see. being all ignorant and acting as though ur heart did not flutter is just being silly.

well enough of all these blogging. i gotta go back and screw my head with descartes.


விட்டு விடுதலையாகி நிற்பாய் இந்தச்
சிட்டுக் குருவியினைப் போலே

-mahakavi bharathiyaar



adioz

let me be.

and so it was.

i went to the temple today. and prayed really hard.

i seem to know wat i really want. and i know that there is no guarantee that God will give u what u want just cos u pray hard. and its not as though i am such a divine soul. just pious. and God-fearing. and even this does not mean again that i always get what i want.

my point is. there is nothing guaranteed in life. anything that is urs now might be mine the next min; u just never know. wat may seem the world to u one sec may seem like ur feet's dust the very next. like how i was telling jaish that day, wat u deem good may not be good the next day and wat is good to u may not be good to me.

so does it mean anything to hold on to whatever we have now? why why such confusion? why are there changes? why is it that u must be all resilient to them? its not that i dun want to, i am just wondering why. Braba's MSN nick is abt change, and jaish i bet u understand this post better than me.

and change also means that u should not bank on anyth. and that also means that there is no sense of absoluteness in anything. and as such, why den do u have anything in the first place? if there is anything at all, den there is something. if there is something, den there is a sense of definition right?? so u will bank on it right? and that change as well?

i din mean to confuse anyone. this is my work for the next two days. its Rene Descartes. my philosophy essay. here's an excerpt.


"I will therefore suppose that all I see is illusion. I believe none of the things reported to me by lying memory ever happened. I have no senses at all. Body, shape, extension, movement and place are chimeras. What true thing is left? Perhaps just the one fact that nothing is certain.
But where do I get this knowledge that there is nothing else—nothing besides all these other things I have gone over- concerning which there cannot be the slightest grounds for doubt? Is there not a God—or whatever I may call him—who implants in me the thoughts I am now having? But why should I think so, since perhaps I myself may be the author of these thoughts? In that case am I not, at least, something? But I have just said that I have no senses and no body."

Descartes
Second Meditation

well i think philosophy is one helluva science. it gets me all confused yet clearer. if u were thinking i am one confused soul, well think again. perhaps u are one as well. but its all abt attaining that knowledge. we will always be confused. always be skeptical. but i guess its all abt the learning and the willingness.



and so here is shree. i am confused. yet i am willing to learn. even if it means to fall. and fall. and fall again. if i cant learn or refuse to, my life thus far would be meaningless. and so will the next moment be.

nah. i aint gonna let that happen.


adioz.



vaarthaiya ithu mounama
vaanavil verum saayama?

WHY MUST U SEE EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY LOVE?

LISTEN ALL.

this is one post filled with frustration and annoyance. and yet too with a alot of worry and sighz.

this is my blog. Yeah its SHREE's. i welcome anyone at my blog. read all u want. think all u want. tag all u want. whether u like it or not, this is me. i have said earlier that this blog is a virtual testimony of my life.and its mine. with a lot of pride and arrogance. and its truly subjected to my wishes and moods.

and this blog is blogged with a lot of ambiguity. yes it is. accept it. there are many things that happen in our lives and with people. and i choose to do it all with just one word. YOU.

yeah so now PLEASE, if u guys think any of these posts ( esp. the angry ones) are abt u, pls. dun. u aren't the only thing in my life. there have been a lot of messes, smiles, gd and bad stuff.

so today, i got into trouble with the most dearest one in my life. sighz sighz. what a dilemma u put me into. it aches. yeah it does.

so plz. i appeal to all. it has happened many times b4. but as u get closer to me, it will just screw up things.many ppl go thru this. dun let this add on to the huge pile of mess i already have.


i am making my way to PP temple now. the place where many things start. and hopefully dun end. pls pls. gimme strength.


ithu enna ulagam endri theriyavillai.
vithigal varaimuraigal puriyavillai.
ithaya thesathil irangu pogaiyil, inba thunbam ethuvum illai.


adioz.

radio ad

well. ystdy i burned midmorning oil to finish up my lit essays. that two outta four done. rest due on monday. gawd. nobody help me pls.

with three hrs of backrest ystdy nite, i am now awaiting my polit sci crash course to start. and i think my day in sch ends at ten.

i dunno whr life takes me to. but hell i do know that i refuse to be in a dilemmial state. my eyes are burning away and such fatigue is a contradiction to all that oversleeping these past 3 weeks. time i snap of my supposed depression yes.

and my mum just does not seem to understand. she asked me if i was celebrating deepavali cos of the supposed blase attitude i have been giving at home. well i refuse to clean up my room. no its cleaned out, yes i painted it green. but i refuse to tidy it. and i dun do the rest of the work at home. even better, i haven bought any new clothes for diwali and have been refusing every offer.
i aint got the mood. not for festive season. not to live life that way anymore. why muz i make myself feel happy that one day?

not without u.

and so. i plan to work hard. since i am almost deciding to stay put in NUS. i will be doin wateva i had planned in SMU. and yes. let me just pray it goes well.

this yr's much awaited india trip looks like a mirage to me now. i duno whether u guys know how badly i wanted to go for it, but hell. at the current stage, i am in no deciding state.

as the days draw closer to my sem exams, i just wanna let myself know. my thoughts make up my actions and i can control my thoughts. even if its just transient stoicness, i am in for it.

*yey! subway sandwich is coming my way later for my dinner. now for the mind-boggling two hrs of public policy and comparative politics.

i am starting to feel good again. i know i aint as strong. but i wld like to think so. let me be.


no matter whr life takes me to, a part of me will always be with u. - S Club 7.

adioz.

mohenjo-daro and harappa. wb yeats

today i suddenly decided to research on smth. altho i have so much of shit work to do, i cun keep my hands off the google page and typing 'mohenjo-daro and harappa'.

yes we all know they have been wiped out. ancient indus valley civilisation.

i guess it hit me pretty hard. they r probably proto-dravidians or proto-sanskrit. sighs. this must be madness. they had more than 5 million people in mohenjo-daro b4 they were wiped out. fuck that is more than the population in singapore.

btw the reason y i decided to blog abt this was not cos i wanted to sound like another wikipedia. seriously smth so so unique caught my eye.


the dancing girl of mohenjo-daro.





when i first read the description abt the Dancing Girl, i cun quite understand the fuss.


The Dancing girl found in Mohenjo Daro is an interesting artifact that is some 4500-years old. The 10.8 cm long bronze statue of the dancing girl was found in 1926 from a house in Mohenjo Daro. She was British archaeologist Mortimer Wheeler's favorite statuette, as he said in this quote from a 1973 television program:

"There is her little Baluchi-style face with pouting lips and insolent look in the eye. She's about fifteen years old I should think, not more, but she stands there with bangles all the way up her arm and nothing else on. A girl perfectly, for the moment, perfectly confident of herself and the world. There's nothing like her, I think, in the world."

John Marshall, one of the excavators at Mohenjo-Daro, described her as a vivid impression of the young ... girl, her hand on her hip in a half-impudent posture, and legs slightly forward as she beats time to the music with her legs and feet.


courtesy of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohenjo-daro#Artifacts

still i cun quite picture it. so i googled-image tt thing.

seeing her one moment, i din feel anything.

"There's nothing like her, I think, in the world." kept ringing in my head...

so i did it. i stood like her. i imagined my salangai and bangles on me. just like her. dancing. stage. feel. inside out. heart-to heart.

*
*
*
*

i felt like her. i could feel it. the nonchalence. the beauty of dance in her hips. the arrogance of her youth in her face. all of it.

cloud nine. i tell u.
inexplicable.

dun ask me why. i just cant explain.its right deep within. like when smth so beautiful makes u feel just the way it is. larger than love. larger than what u think would have made u the happiest person on earth. non-materialistic. the intangible. the intangible that make u feel so worthless yet so complete.

which brings to me to my last nite task when i had to explain to Ryan Bhai why WB Yeats poem was so beautiful and my most favourite in the seven yrs i have been studying literature. i have nvr fallen so much in love with such writing b4. Ms Anne Victor of NYJC first gave me this poem on 14-02-2005. My V-day gift from the Lit department.

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven"
from the Collected Works of W.B. Yeats



to fall in love over and over again with art and literature is not smth everyone can do. not all of us are dreamers. u may not feel as much as me. but to be on a different intellectual level... apart from all the physicalities that make up this earth... the intangible, the appreciation and the analysis of the complexities of life, love and art is what i truly seek.

of the people i have met in my life... my friends , my dates, my families and who-not,
i have nvr quite met sumone sharing such insanity to such extremes with me...

tell me tell me if u know. we can dwell in the love of love, the life of life and the arts of art together...


and with all this, i truly feel for the lost civilisation. and shd i seek reincarnation, i wish to be the Dancing girl.


adioz.

enaduyire and mudhal mazhai

today.i.feel.super.blocked.and.i.only.can.think.of.these.two.songs.to.reflect.my.mood
esp.enadhuyire.kills.me.every.word.of.it.and.mudhal.mazhai.i.dunno.i.suppose.its.all.
abt.the.solitude.i.felt.while.u.were.away.


however.tt.is.this.is.the.heart.of.shree.sangeeth.reigns.in.me.and.you.too.u.know.it.







vazhiyoram.vizhi.vaikirean.

teen

after 6 yrs of being a teen and almost reaching the BIG twenty, i finally behaved like one ysdty.

my dad locked me outta my hse cos i came home late from a party.
i tell u. altho i got pist mad at everyone cos they weren't helping me to get inside, in a way i felt it was really comical. which is why i am shamelessly admitting this in my blog so blatantly.

point is, i had promised my bro and mum that i will be back hme by a stipulated time. however i was called home an hr earlier and that too i politely abided by. so i did rush back home ( btw i had a gd conversation with the cabby) only to be left stranded outside. so that was a totally unreasonable thingy. but considering that my dad n i have a cold-war for a long time since already, i cun quite say much.

haiz. i dun quite know wat to make out of my actions. have always been known to be behaving maturedly, but i felt like a small gal ystdy. sighs. it was so embarassing. knowing my tendencies to be rebellious, i almost went back to the party i came from. but yeah that was only 'lip-service'. i din dare do it.

well, i aint affected by this a bit. cos i have had worst shit b4. just wanted to pen this down cos it is a day i will rmbr. the first time ever... a sign of growing up?? i dunno. maybe. an addition into the list of 'oh!-i-so-dun-wanna-rmbr-this-day'?

haha. yups.

after cleaning up my room today, i plan to finish my polit sci essay. den mon till wed with my lit essay. den philo essay by the 5th. and den after downstr8 mugging for the sem exams.

and yes. the matters of the heart.
been brave. and pulling myself thru. just spare me the stress of repeating myself or asking for the status quo. Shree has put it all on hold. the timebomb is just ticking away.
and i admit defeat. wat u said was true. my fault as much.
if only i din care as much and nvr judged sumone.
i learnt smth.

dun judge. the less u judge, the more u love. even Jaish Ram said so once.

btw i miss u gal.i know i have MIA-ed from u a while. but u r really my yardstick to whether ur shree is fine or not. i bet u know tht by now. am getting back. gimme a while more ok. tnx.

the cOnFuSeD kId theory enters my life again. hahahaha. u rock me outta my seat.*winks*

val. thanks for that song dedication. pretty cool.

Din. u rock la. thanks for the company. hope u had fun. n u can mug now.

Fab. take care.

GOD. i am gd. i think. dun worry. rmbr to call me for ur study periods.

and appa.

i miss u. there are 11 more days to ur death anniversary. i am afraid the significance of ur death is losing as the yrs come by. but no. i told u already. i wanna feel the pain. alto i am just hiding away. u cant go away just like tt. not ur memories. only those seem stagnant in the unpredictable life of Shree.
i miss u appa.


adioz.

karu karu karupayee

wahahaha. wait wait wait.

i muz say this.


*karu karu karupayee. nee veluthathu yean karupayee* background music


i am not the karupayee right?
nah nvr.
thoda thoda thodamaaten. thotta naanum vodamatean.
and yeah. the thirpuaatchi arivaalu wave.
vida vida vida vida maatean. nee thodama naan vidamaatean.



crap i cant stop laughing!!

wahahaha.



i only have one thing to say.

in the end, life fucks us all.

i still haven stopped laughing.
hahahahaha.




adioz.

over-reactin

maybe i am just overreacting.
i am having a splitting headache. no its not a hangover.altho i wish it was.hahaha.
well den and again, i feel i am wasting my time over smth i deem extremely special to me but hell the feeling isn't reciprocrated. it hurts, over and over again and my life seems completely out of control. i wish i cld just leave my house straightaway and knock at the door of happiness. and stay put. if only there was such an avenue for mankind, then there wld be no need for hell or even sins. just glee and more love and affection shared.
smtimes i can get really carried away by my emotions i muz admit. somehow i can't grab hold of it. seeing myself to pull each day seems to ache the hell outta me. why? i have always put on a facade to be such a strong person, but deep down within me there is a devil waiting to scream. scream out and cry to u. and to u only.
with three assignments due in a week, i am seriously putting myself in deep shit. i dunno wat i wan out of my life actually.
let me see. sumone actually told me that its all normal to feel this way when ya reaching ya 20s. hell growing up is such a painful process. and i have chosen to sit down and brood over it so much.
i miss my shell. that room of mine b4 it was open to the rest of the world to see or even enter. those times when no one knew who Shree was. that whole mystery and secrecy. and now i feel like an open book. all violated and stepped upon. its painful and excrutiating. it harms me - the delicate threads of my heart are gnawed at... slowly everything gets loosened. the blood drips profusely and i lose my consciousness gradually... only wishing to seek refuge in ur arms all over again.

appa r u watching all of these? friday its ur prayers. fourth yr. are u even there? why dun i feel u anymore? u seem so distant more than ever b4. dun let me go. not u pls.

adioz

fucking mad

i am fucking mad. just when u have got a whole load of work to do, sum ppl make u feel fucking mad. get u blowing ur mind off.


why the fuck cant ppl be truthful?


uuuurrrrgh i feel so fucked up really.
i wanna study. why do u ruin it all???


CCB. i hate u. and all those that u do.

i keep saying its my fault. but hell. how much do i tell this to myself??


god. either u get me out of this. or u bring me to u.

i have no fucking strength anymore.



adioz

and so it was.

thoongum azhaginai paarthu rasithida iravellam kan vizhithu kidappeane

and so it was.

today i went out to run errands and had a good date with sathiya babe. we spoke but not too long.

well u see, as much as i wld love to have led a more fruitful day, i am satisfied.

although deep down within there is deep void that is waiting to be filled.

by you alone.





and to GOD, i am sorry abt today.

called the selfish one

u r disappointed in me cos i was selfish.
selfish to see u. and to show u that i cared.

if all my true intentions of care n affection be reflected to u to be of selfishness and rudeness,
may all heaven cry in shame.

fatigue grapples me. too much of the presence of ur absence sends my body signals.
signals of malfunction and weakness.

i aint so fiesty and angry anymore. i have no more strength to continue such strong feelings.

let me feel afresh by telling myself i deserve this. and that while u are away with ur own comfortable solitude, let me just assure u smth.

nothing's changed.



adioz.



uyirin thuli kaayum munne en vizhi unnai kaanum kanne

once bitten, twice shy

hey look.
i think u have got no fucking balls.

yeah u looked like u deserved so much of respect.
commanded truth and spouted lies.
a cheat was all u were.

i cant stand this cowardly silence u are holding onto.
fucking no guts to talk to me?
i bet this is wat they taught u.

my mounth is itching.
itching to ask u to screw off.
why all this emotional turmoil?
why all this blackmail?
and u make it seem like its all my fault.


hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
let me warn u.
i am still patient.
i still have my tolerance. and i am still waiting.
waiting like how u left it all.

cos when u return to rekindle the fire in me.
i will burn u.



adioz.

ullam kollai poguthey

yaar antha roja poo... kannadi nenjin mel
kal veesu ponaan
avan yaaro...

fabian

control me if u must
i know i argue so much
i love that cold hard stare
to catch hold of my arrogance

be angry if u must
i know i can make u so mad
that snapping of reality
brutal honesty i know

seeing thru ur lies
to let me know u love me much
makes me melt in ice
the little devil in me giggling

i see how fast u turn me around
realisation its called
that brutal honesty in u
turns hurt into love

when u scold
u make me run
run for my life; run towards u
haha u bledi runner

the tears- made worthwhile
the smile- u returned it back
i liked the one on the cheek
and then u turn n walk away in anger

and the cycle continues



engaiyo unnudan naan vaazhntha nyaabagam...

inimel namathu ithalgal inainthu sirrikum osai ketkume...

makiZhchi meeruthey... vaanai thaanduthey... saaga thoandruthey...

dear diary

dear diary,

i am feeling so lonely.

'though its just moments we get to embrace... i am looking forward to spending a lifetime of these moments with u'



waiting each day is a pain that i will joyfully bear.

all the nights without comfort

all the days without my true soul

all the times without ur hands in mine

all the seconds without the security

all the tears of confusion




will come to an end this friday.


and Shree will finally be where she truly belongs...


adioz.

shali called

well today the day started with shali calling. and i m still on the fone with her!


talking abt all those things that have slipped past our hands, ang mo kio mrt station, our pp storiesn wat not. miss u babe!!


nice ppl have definitely done their part in making my day. mrs.nelson caled me n invited me for her daughter's wedding. i was really touched. which teacher does that man? we have one mother-daughter r/ship.


navaraathiri is coming. haven quite practised my songs. waddya expect when i stay rooted in front of the comp n type n research like good 5 hrs each day? n then muz study study study aaaah. recess week has taken its toll on my health, sleep especially. but i haven completed my Polit Sci module n geog. aaargh. as alwayz my lit is the first to be done. n done well.


this little void in my heart. pains me. i cant quite help it. but wait in patience. for explanations and explanations.


feel independence when sumone loses dependence on u.
feel lonely when someone leaves u.
can u see the irony of it?


verenna vendum ulagathile?
intha inbam pothum nenjile...
yezhezhu jenmam vaazhnthuvittean!


adioz

why??

just answer me once.


WHY??

cant sleep

i cant sleep. i dun quite know how to make out my life right now. its filled with monotony and loadsa anticipation.

well today the kids had a good time with their lanterns. The moon was really full and bright.and beautiful. ini naanum naan illai

i realise smth. no matter who u've got around u, its ultimately one in his own grave. that defeats the point of having a family or friends for that matter. does that mean that one should live in solitude becos one eventually faces the inevitable death alone? does that not equate life to a point of futility?

leaving such questions unanswered, on my way back home from the bus-stop, i formed a dialogue in my thoughts abt tamil. read on.


thamizhil azhagu endru kooruvathu ellame azhagu illai.
meen poandra kann azhaga?
minnal poandra idai azhaga?
annam poanda nadai azhaga?
illaiye!

acham, madam, naanam, payirpu enbathu oru pennuku azhagu endru vethangal koorukindrathey,
ivai naangum oru pennuku azhaga?
allathu avargalathu munnetrathirkku oru muttukattaiya?

oru pennukku azhagu avalathu ullam.
athaivida azhagu thaaimai.

oru thamizh pennukku azhagu thimir!



enanakku thamizhai kattru thanthavar subramaniya bharathiyaar.
naan avarathu sishyan alla;
puthumai penn!


i like wat i wrote.



uchi meedu vaan idinthu veezhu kindra pothilum,
achamillai achamillai acham enbathu illaiye!
- bharathiyaar.

the bastardly world

its been abt ten days since i blogged. ten days flew by like a breeze yet many days hold pain and yet memories. memories of betrayal and true sincere love.


maybe u guys already know.i have been feeling pretty much unmotivated and lazy abt even getting my ass to school. i rather sleep in, do my tutorials late night and dream my days away. not exactly a gd way to cope with a void in my life, but sumhow, i have passed ten days. successfully. i think.


good stuff first.
i have learnt, i am now clear. thanks Fab for the call and the lil short meeting in between. got me moving. gg on. i am waiting. come back quickly.


many friends have come up to me saying how much i have motivated them to study but i aint doing the same.its so annoying. but hell i trying so hard. just get me off my bed. even my phone does not ring as often. but anyway the calls wun be picked up as well. so yupz.


well now to face reality, i have to make a proclamation. for all to read.


my past is fake. no longer authentic like how i thot it was. all the feelings and arrogance i held on to it; its no longer there. it has been shattered. totally. and all the remnants have been thrown away, no longer buried deep within me. i have been pretty selfish abt things the past six years of my life. if only i knew it all along, i wld been in a better position in my life. i always owed the way i have grown up and how i have been to this one person in my life and now i know its all not true.

i dun quite worry abt the loss of a supposed true fren cos of this dillemma. i dun quite worry abt the mess u put me into.all that hurt me and broke me was the betrayal u confessed to me.


of all the times,i chose to believe it this time round.


another ruined bday party by you,another harsh memory for me to hold.but i am holding it good. just one msg to u, if it wld ever get into ur head.


you have lost me COMPLETELY.


its time now to be fair and sincere. to the one who truly deserves it. and this i promise.


adioz.

bored saturday

today i did ntg and ntg.
i am sooo bored i tell u. aint that very interesting

i feel like giving up on this journey that i embarked on a coupla mths ago. but it aint fair for any decisions to be taken as of yet.

i am rather puzzled.

sch work - thr is just soooo much to do. and i hate life that is this unstable. all that emotional rollercoasters and worst still, ppl who randomly enter ur life, say a few things and run off. basket. dun be so empty can?

i need to get a grab on my life. why such self-faced boredom and monotony?

it sucks. to be the ultimate loser of selfish circumstances. and the one i wish wld be here for me, isnt the least bothered.

for now, i have fantasies to keep me occupied. no realities to strike in.and my head literally feels so heavy that i cant even think. i just realised that.


i haven been out in months. abt 3-4. my friendships all kept thru the fone. and after sch i just run home.

this kills. the refusal to let my inner self free kills.



why do i keep holding back so much?


adioz.

two fucked up

29-08-07

i am feeling damn fucked up.
no its not only cos i am tired, i just hate this situation right now.

scenario:

suppose u work on a farm.
the supervisor in charge of u knows tt ya hardworking and a super- efficient farmer.
den he goes away for sum reason, leaving u to manage his work.
the damn farm owner comes,preferring u to the previous worker. the previous worker swindled money n left the job.
somehow the owners r being a pain n u cant do anyth to leave ur job cos u love it too much n u just wish ur supevisor returns.


i am really upset.


well anyway, following a literal death threat ystdy nite, i suddenly think abt death and life-after.
i read The five ppl u meet in heaven. excellent book. it sets u thinking and appreciating and observing events all ard u. i wonder who i will meet, to make sense of all the crap ard me. but i bet i will meet appa.
today morn sch was so exhausting.
i know tt i m needing my vitamins n the lack of it all is making me feel so lousy.
with many agendas to meet today, the lack of sleep is just pushing me back as well but at the same time, the disturbed mind rather be busy den to sleep in.
reasons are if i idle n tell myself to sleep, i mite wake up feeling fucked up as eva. so what is the whole bloody pt of it all?

i am so pessimistic i know.

i need to go for tuitions, whole lot of tutorials to be done, gotta meet this charity organisation lady, paatu class, threading to be done, two mths of hp bill to be settled, tuition kids and their unpaid tuition fees...


just call me will u. to know ya still ard although u r not will help. i think.


adioz.

thanimai thanimaiyo... kodumai kodumaiyo...





30-08-07



so yeah i was not feeling pessimistic for ntg.
i was right after all abt all those mixed feelings. a call was all it had to take to confirm ill luck.


i feel realli sad for sumone else who is the direct party to the dire situation over here. just tt life sux big time.

a new shree is born.

let me just tell u tt.i aint gonna feel like sum weakling, like how i was ysdty.

gimme two more mths. den i will settle in completely into this new persona.

trust me. cos u made my life so miserable, i hate u.

i fucking hate you.



adios.

in school

i am in school. so much of work to do.

i am tired. somebody help me!!!

i need love, hug and a big kiss on my cheek to tell me to hang on.




adioz

no time!!!

aaahhhhhh

i have been so annoyingly busy that i even missed my tutorial appeal time!!!!
gosh. i am sooo lazy to bring my laptop to school as well.

braba dun kill me. i missed the LFC match tt day.the bloody draw was LFC poata pitchai to CFC.

okie okie lemme take this chance.
all my uni frens. dun burn out. we all know hw this varsiuty edu is getting on our F nerves.


my O/A level frens. work hard. hard work is the key to success.


SHree. the inner me. give it ur best shot. after all u know it is wort it.
but dun stoop so low. u deserve the respect and love, just like any1 else.

pappa, i miss u. i bet ya watching me thru this nternal ordeal. see me see me see me cry n smile.



adioz.

lemme clear my head

let me first clear my head


1. 9th August 07

thurs. My country's National Day.
i rmbr on wednesday when i was returning from paatu class, i saw this ad on the MRT platform at city hall. it was sum vitagen advertisement. a new product. and the ad was in chinese. a chinese spokeswoman had her support displayed in chinese characters.

i muz admit that i am a patriotic citizen. or so i wld like to think. and tt day, when i was eagerly trying to find out more abt the product, i realised that i was short-changed of info cos of the language barrier.i have ntg against the language. in fact, i personally feel that it is a challenge to undertake mandarin, and its the next on my list after hindi class.

Den and again, i muz confess that i was utterly disappointed because as long as my eyes cld see from the last platform, i was not able to understand what the product was offering. so much for equality and harmony. and so much for smart marketing strategies. u just lost one customer dammit.

this din stop me from standing up during my Nation's most esteemed national anthem and pledge. i was awed by the stellar performance of my motherlanders. awesome camaraderie displayed. kudos.



2. 12th Aug 07

It was akka's 25th bday. one of the many bdays tis mth. i had a splendid time with my family and her godparents at Marina;steamboat. fun. and good family time. She was soo happy. felt good truly.

Such angels, so innocent and truthful...are hard to find. and with one who sleeps beside me every night,i wonder where else am i to find for such purity in someone.

Appreciation.





3.
school. lesson proper has started.
i dun wanna regret my path of education anymore. its becos i chose to be so nonchalent abt my maths in J1, i suffered in J2. screwed up maths with an E. A near-to-perfect A Level cert that cld haf been my ticket to NUS Law faculty flew just damn away.

Laptop not ready. annoying, screwed up balloting left to confirm timetable. lect notes yet to be printed out.Mid term test on the first wk of Oct. Yup tts six weeks left.
Room still filled with A level notes. Yup i was so sure that i was gonna repeat my A's tt i kept all my books and notes.
btw u shd check out my prev entries abt screwing my A's. hahaha.
F comical.


4.
today's date is my fave four-digit number.
1408.

dun try buy 4D.i already have. urs shd be sold out. CURSED.







i love each second i hate you...
i love u more tt way...


adioz.

hmmm.life sux.

today i went to paatu class after such a looong time. i kinda embarassed myself when i was asked to sing.

anyway today loadsa things happened. and i am keeping note. me n myself and you. i see different faces of u. n it annoys me. but then and again. thats pretty much me as well.
u were right abt being my mirror.

so Shree aint complaining aitez.

today was a tiring day for me. but i felt so liberal travelling to paatu class alone.

i got all my modules. pretty cool. hmmm. time to get started. with work n settling down with uni life. i hope not to get myself into shit stuff. i will sooo hate myself if i dun concentrate on my work.

i had a nice evening ystdy. prayers n all.



in short
to sum up my life this week


en mel yaarum kal adithaal... sirikkavum pazhagi kondean...


adioz.

den its me.

so i went for the yogi b concert.
it was awesome.
simply awesome.

thanks to sumone who is awesome as much.
my kit kat bar kept me company.

today i was PMSing pretty much. kept laughing at those times when i shd be serious.
so i ended up getting my other half serious. seriously mad.

school is starting. i cant wait to go back to my books.
but i must confess that i have been such a mess myself recently. and i quite doubt my seriousness.
apart from that, i will be gg thru sum shit crisis for 50 odd days soon.
so yeah.


back to paatu class on wednesday. i am sooo screwed i know.


btw i wrote smth. i liked it. but sumone else quite din.

un nenjil naan indru santhitha urakkam...
en thaayin karuvile naan kanda marumalarchi...


yikes! i am soo tired. and i haven been sleeping well.


tmr thiviya is coming over to my place.
i am still deciding on what to cook. hmmm. vege dishes. ideas anyone?

i need to tell myself smth.

u are deviating from who u really are babe.
time to get back. to the good ol' days.


adioz.

immature

shree is getting screwed up.

i guess i have been immature abt many things. n i REGRET.

well i gotta learn. and i better.



i have skipped paatu class for two mths already.
it sux. and saras is so mad at me. aiyoooo. babe.. dun do this.


my module bidding is screwed. thallippoana CORS website.

back again.
i wish i wish.
i wish to learn.
not for myself.


but u.
just u.

gg to penang

i am gg to msia on thurs. so yup. will be back on monday.
st anne's feast.

pretty cool. i cleaned out my bags today. looks like i have a lot give to Salvation Army.
haha.soooo many bags.


i feel so good to be online at this time. hanging on the fone. yup. BBBRABA! talking to u after suuuchhh a long time.

times have changed.
thooose times everything was entirely different.


damn long since i used the fone.
i feel sooo old suddenly. hell i am 19.


and nineteen. means it is my last yr being a teenager!!! awww. tt quite sucks.
haiz.
i am sucha confused kid. hmmm tt name. hmmm
gosh.




vaazhkai oru naadaga medai. athil naam ellam nadikargal.

hmmm. haha no.

vaazhkai oru naadaga medai. athil naam ellam pornstars?? haha.

CB.




hhhhuuuggg.

i miss myself. i miss the Shree in me..



adioz.

unemployed

i called it quits today.
i called up st stephens and told them that i cant make it to sch anymore.
i got so sick of it. to wake up early n travel... then rush 4 tuition, hindi class, temple. haiz
but dammmit i need this leave for uni stuff. gosh. 24 hrs is not enuff!!

sch is starting. and i so need this rest.

this wkend i wun be in town.

btw i wanna be alone.

lemme me be with myself.

dun F come n tell me i haf no time for u. dun come and tell me its cos of other ppls' entrance in my life. i jus dun need my fone anymore. if i even bother calling u to check on u, count ur lucky stars. dun push ur luck further.


sahana saaral thoovutho...

adioz

acceptance

life wld be a better place if we accepted one another.

u cannot hate smth abt sumone unless it reflects smth abt urself. and the more we judge, the less we love.

i am tired.

really am.

i am glad i dun seem to cry anymore. those tears have been dried up. ages ago. so my tear bank is empty.

and one more thing. we shud give our love n time to ppl who need us. and not be a bitch abt it. i mean who the hell cares whether u r appreciated or not? u r bloody helping sumone in need and in pain.

my conscience is clear. i dun need to lie to myself. and i am used to having auch rxns to my 'mother theresa' stunts. but u know wat. i dun give a fuck if anyone is unhappy abt it. wats appreciation in my life?? since when did i receive it to expect it now? or love for tt matter.

screw it.

kal ho nah ho.

adioz.

wt do u want?

i am feeling so fucking exhausted.

Since when did shree get to be in the picture of being selfish?

i wish i wish i wish u dead.

i am mad. fuming away.


and to all the dimwits aka ball-less fucks who try to screw my tag board...
pls la go get a life. dun forget i can tap ur IP address la stupid.u can get charged for net-hogging la toot.


haiz haiz.

life and its roller coaster rides.

sumone tell me sumone tell me.

tt a roller coaster ride is to be enjoyed and be jollied with.

not to end up vomitting and ouking at the end of it all.





my pain and my joy. if only u were more easily understood...




adioz

back again. new life

heys...


its been such a looong time eh.
well i kinda dun c the need to blog anymore. but no no. i shan run away from the fact tt this form of catharsis is impt.

one major reason i kinda lost interest is cos some idiotic dimwit frens of mine haf been spreading gossipz, unnecessary ones, abt the info displayed here.

i hereby declare that any information displayed on this website is none of f*cking anyone's business. so screw the F off and see tt ur own ass gets clean first.


Back to teaching. tiring n loadsa workload. Uni matters to be settled.


A new phase of life. Starting to live all over again. i am just lucky, i can tell u.i feel gd abt the past one mth of my life. its been sheer delight with its usual confusions abt being too perfect.

well well. every dog has its day.

i am feeling pretty all over again. and oh yeah i haf put on abt 4kg as well. haha. so does tt make me less pretty? who the hell cares?
i am regaining my confidence a bit. and gg back to my books wld make me feel all the more better i suppose.

well i am living. and loving. and seeing life in a total different light.
Time to be happy Shree.

and u over there.
grow up. plz.

adioz.

uni is here

the university forms are here.


as much as i wld hate it to say this, i have been admitted into FASS in NUS...
i hate it not cos of anything else, but cos i really really wanted to get into SMU. B.Sc Social Sciences. Direct Honours. its B.Sc mind it. Haiz.

some things are just not meant to be i suppose. i would try again next yr. i really wld. i think.




i am happy with things at my side actually.
It seems like everything is falling into place. but i am very wary of everything ard me at the same time.
i have faced disappointments many times in my life n it wld be mere stupidity to c it all in a positive light.

for now. its back to driving, sangeeth, hindi and st.stephens.
i dunno abt teaching again tho.

but i am excited. tt i am gg to study again. and put my mind back in control.with books and family. sathiya n amma and all.

Shree is happy.

and as i humbly accept the upcoming disappointments that might just topple me off...
i aint gonna waste every second by sulking away...


not with u at least *winks*


daddy i miss u. Take care of Akka while she is away @ Zurich... n ur kutty gal at NUS. both sound equally distant. But ur two daughters know what they are doing. really really.


Adioz.

fathers's day

and so.

i am moving on with life. i so finally see it.
as Sengoyz had put it. the light at the end of the tunnel.


after weeks of worry, i finally got the reply for my appeal from NUS. Yup i had appealed to change my course of study from Real Estate to Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. and so this yr, Shree will be making her royal way to FASS... but for a yr only. i am planning to transfer my credits to SMU at the next intake.

SMU... i Wun take NO for an answer.

Sunday was Fathers' Day. i spent sat afternoon shopping for fathers' day presents and overly spent. for 4 ppl i considered worthy of the label dad. i think.

and sunday i made my way to amma's place. bought lunch from sakunthala's. and garland for appa. actually it was pretty dumb. i took the cab from tekka heading towards pasir ris when halfway i rmbred that i had forgotten to get him a garland. and so i asked the cabby to drive back. with a heavy heart.

i bet everyone was happily buying gifts for their dads. and wishing them happy father's day and teling them how much their father meant to them. and yeah with all this handicapped, i forgot to get him a garland. the only thing i cld eva get him.
oh but that din stop me from buying him 2 candle-with words written on them.

" for a special dad "

indeed. u are special, daddy.
i cun stop my tears from flowing when amma gave me the lit incense sticks to be offered to my appa.
its not like u are here for me to tell u hw much i love u.
i cant stand it father. i really cannot. i cun help looking at him after i had decorated it with the flowers i had bought him.

u looked so royally beautiful daddy.
and so my phone came in handy.
this is my daddy for u all to c.
see how handsome my appa looks. U need not be around appa. i still had my special father's day with u.




i miss u appa. and i know no matter hw many i tell u this i know tt u'd nvr know. cos i missed it all times u were here. i din tell u enuf... not at all even when u were ard. it has been 4 yrs. and it still kills me. just like the very first day... u killed me with ur death.

i just wan u to know smth. that life can nvr be the same. and no matter hw much i try to move on without u, i dun want to.
i wanna feel the pain. i wanna feel the loss. i wanna miss u badly. i wanna literally die to see u again. Just come back once n tell me u love me. one day. one day. one day.


and my dear friends... treasure ur dad's while they are around. sumtimes daddies spend too much time working... trying to save enuf for their kids. n we usually fail to show our appreciation.
DUN.
to aarthi, vishnu and cheryl.
we all know tt we can nvr turn back the clocks to see our dads. but lemme assure u all that they are watching over us closely.
my daddy told me tt. right appa?


i wld appreciate if i receive no comments on my tag board pertaining to this blog entry.
thank you mates.

adioz.

death. life.

PMS again.
bloody bad mood.


today i went to a funeral. This lady who passed away is a Gold medalist from Annamalai Uni. age 28. Son is 5 yrs old. Died out of blood cancer. she was bald. stomach was bloated. dark skinned. her tears were dried on her face when she had taken her last breathe.


i juz cld not stop crying after seeing the lil' boy. it hurt me very much. i cun undstd y God had to take away maternal love from the child...which quite evidently no one else can provide. the boy asked y the coffin was coming into the hse. the poor child cld not comprehend the meaning of death. did not understand that his mum had left him. forever. that in yrs down the road, even as much as he tried, he wun be able to rmbr her face. and his days that were spent with his mum. She was nvr gg to return. to hug him, feed him... tuck him into bed... hold him close n say 'i love u'.


So ultimately my question is : What was the purpose of her overly limited days on this earth? if every man is ultimately faced with inevitable death, then why den the life in the first place?


Y is it that the birth of life calls for celebration, when actually it is the start of all the shit damn crapped problems? Y is that the end of life calls for mourning, when it places a full stop to all pain and suffering?



Y are we all called blessed souls to be brought onto this earth...when one is challenged thruout his life n is questioned of his faith and strength? is that a blessing?

i just dun understand y it takes death to understand life.

This wld be super comical if i sleep tonight n dun wake up tmr.

Darn. i jus wish tt wld happen.

Adioz.

hypocrites and politics

so hell.
Shree is PMSing.
so just shut the gap and screw off.

i have learnt. and yes the better way. no hard feelings anymore.
more than anyone, the worst way to get busted is by a friend.
i will explain y the better way as well.

so u c. i forgot. yes hit me. hit me hard.
i forgot that hypocrisy and politics are always lingering around my feet. Even with FRIENDS, or so they claim they are.

simple. the world does this and that. dun u eva follow their footsteps jayshree. u bitch abt everything under the sun. and then u say, "oh no. i am different. and i dun care abt the world." huh? u ok or not?

y? i mean simply y? if u cld just shut up and remain silent...who wld wanna listen to ur baby cries? who wld wanna form an opinion abt u? y wld u need to form an opinion in the first place? aren't u being fake? and claim not to be as well?? arent u being political abt the info u dessiminate to ur frens abt another? arent u being a fucking hypocrite?
y the fuck did u claim to be MY friend for then?

i am blessed enough to have such gr8 friends around me. i feel that d few but gr8 ones are enough. i am sooo grateful... maybe i just nvr showed i am.
and now i am blessed again.
God has opened my eyes.
yup the better way. cos i am willing to let go. Unlike the times when i used to cry over useless friends.and wondered y the ppl i loved so much nvr stayed.
i have changed. i dun need any new ones who wld try to make a difference.
yes it hurts. but i have experienced bigger sorrows in life. Whats u?


if anyone by chance tries to be a dimwit n call me after this and ask me if it was u tt i blogged abt,out of guilt, save ur call. i probably wun even answer it.

and it fucking does not help that SMU rejected me and i am faced with a dire situation of not being able to study locally.

CB.


adioz.

its over

so the cOnfUsEd KiD theory is over.
sadly.happily.finally.
groanz

well life moves on.
Hell if i could leave heavenly holy water to eventually run down the drain, whats the loss of the bloody mucus that i spit out of my badly inflammed throat? yeah that visual impact was necessary to show the gross-city of the information.

cOnfUsEd?
haha.
wateva.
damn. i MISS u.

well well. i am bored.
As Braba wld say it, I is Bored. haha
crap.

i miss working. i hate this feeling of having time in my hands. it sucks.
and oh btw.
y the hell did i not read aarthi's blog earlier? it makes a whole lot of sense. now it does.



i m angry. oops. hungry. or what is it?




i so love this feeling of being free again.

i so love you. i tell u.

yes u. yeah u.

my sangeeth. yeah tts u.


adioz.

cOnFuSeD kiD haha

well well
nostalgia hits me
life has changed tremendously.
and it has maybe... probably turned for the worst.
but here is Shree taking a chance. a risk.
i haven really shown much maturity in my actions.
causing ppk to judge. but really, i dun care.
not becos i dun care abt them, but becos i prefer acting on my own.
simply put,i think,
still waters run deep.


this cOnFuSeD kId theory confuses me.
it really does.
but i aint sure if i am willing to take the risk.
hmmm. only time will tell.
but hell. its life over honour.
or is that equation faulty as well?



well.
ultimately its shree back to herself and her cocoon again.
no it aint loneliness.
its just solitude tt is thoroughly enjoyed.
and it feels good.
looking back i had a good 18th yr.
all the songs that i listened to area gd example.
i loved all of them.not superficially for their music only or wat.
but thoroughly.inside out.
now when i listen to them.
i know the difference.
the lack of love and passion.
the lack of intimacy with my music
the answer is pretty simple.
absence of love.

well.
shree has opened her heart.
to purely kids and family.
damn i just wish i had kids on my own.
my own ones to love. to care and nurture them.
more than anything.
to call them my own.
the rest explains.


adioz.

and so...

and so... life has taken for a turn..


to start off... job at Changi Airport.
Thanks to Mr. Sengoyan and My Bhai, all was gd and nice and sleepy and boring.
and yes scratching Sengoyz.
Reuben and Fang Xian. Pretty nice.
End of Chapter 1.


Chapter 2.
turning the pages...
i had a fight with Valvinpal Kaur. babe. we have no more motherf*ckers to fight over abt
Balachandran. In the 7 odd yrs i know you, my my. u amuse me. u just hate the mirror in me, dun u? wahaha.

Chapter 3.
i am seriously contemplating a double degree in india. one in Tamil Literature and the other in Carnatic Vocal. my parents aint very receptive abt this. B.A. to be done in Loyola college and Carnatic to be in Kalakshetra i think.
i mean, hell i aint living for anyone except amma anymore. so its just her to decide. btw this is only if SMU screws me up. i think they are planning. or if my fate is it, i am settling my ass in NUS.


Chapter 4.

Some things and some ppl just have not left my mind. sometimes i really wonder if life itself is a facade. i miss most of my friends, especially Rejabunnisah. Hell Ram family misses u babe. whr the hell are you? its so sick tt we cant even find u, and to top it all off, i feel so responsible. G, we need u. maybe i do. come back.

apart from tt, Daddy. u got me killing my feelings.

Musa. i haven said this word in yrs. nostalgia kills once again. walls have ears and so does this screen. i hate how this blog is watched. hell if not. only if not.
but hey hey hey. life has ended for some stuff. so let this be just as complicated as ever. scenes of life better left unrepeated. and bastards of feelings are better left unkindled.


Chapter 5.
ntg left much for this petite woman to say.(i think). except that my nephews have gotten me in love with em all over again and i am gd n gd with all this work that gets feelings and emotions outta my mind.
maybe Val u nvr seem to understand y Shree gets so bo-chap half the time.

i guess its cos i have realised wat and for whom life is worth living for? wat is a man who came n bashed u outta ya life and still claimed to hold ur love? wats a man who held ur heart in his hands with his eyes onto another woman's chest? wats a fren who seeks solace in ur arms and later sees her dreams of friendship with another? wats a dad who sees u as a hindrance of his time and savings? wats a mirror when it refuses to reflect ur true emotions and portray a facade constantly; just cos u wanna keep smiling abt how shit ur life really is???

c'mon. Shit happens. but u just cant let it happen to u all the time. it has to stop. but beware once it does, there's out for more.

so with all these, Shree ends with sleepy note.
The day has ended, and the dawn awaits me with surprises.
F the world and hold ur wits.
u nvr know which bastard wld wanna tear down ur shine.

Adioz