i apologise that my blog has been dormant for a long time. i had a restriction on it, as i supposedly revealed too much. now that the restriction is off, shree is free to express her thoughts.
and yes that means that i will swear to myself that truth eventually knocks down ur door to let u know that its u i am blogging abt today. and even if it hurts ur eyes to see it all, too bad. badmouth me all u wan. its my life. and mine to decide.
well the past six months has taught me lessons. firstly, dun let dogs enter an open house. next, if u have plans to do smth, do it! thirdly, when sumone makes u feel super dooper low abt urself, forget it. just walk out.
when i mean plans, i shd be in india now, studying since July, Loyola college. but hell.
point is, i nvr saw myself so low. and weak. it was depressing. every min of it. yes it takes two hands to clap. but when u realise its ur mistake, and try to rectify it, and the other party isn't willing, screw it. i kept thinking of effort. of promises made. of making a difference. bt i was thinking wrong. completely.
depression. din help. and it screwed me up even badly. and sumone just comes up to u and says, "snap outta it" , " u have a prob and tts not my prob" (or along those lines) like wat the fuck? u said i was an embarrassment. problematic. emo. unstable. yet u ate off my hands. but u know wat, i wun forget all tt happened. very positively. i rmbr everyth tt happened. and its all here to stay. i am still happy it all did work... at least it did.
looking back, i guess i knew it all along. just tt i was stubborn. i mean who all warned me. who all said no. how many times did i fight just cos i was stubborn? and even den, i held on. held on. just cos i believed. wrongly tt is. but i am this way with anth/anyone else. just wanna be stubborn. and wanna hold on.
status quo now is - i have decided to let it all go. n nvr turn back. its soooo scary. i nvr have been afraid like this b4. all that happened. sighz. lessons learnt. and its funny. all it takes is the mind. to do it all for myself. no longer for anyone else.
call me selfish. yes stubborn. i just believe in fighting and gg to extremes to get wat i want. i suppose that is my weakness and strength after all. one person in my life is not gonna determine who i am. who the fuck are u to judge?
and of cos i play a major major role in all that mess in my life. i accept it all. i did it to myself and got it all for myself. i liked it. loved it. but it was not meant for me. and God, u pulled me thru wat i thought i nvr cld go thru.
so u r still in my prayers. and so are u, u and u. and all that stupid excuses i need not hear anymore. cos i know the moment u said u are moving on, i saw it. i was the loser, and i admit it humbly.
i aint gonna call u names. no bastard. no SOB. ntg. chey such words wun come out. and so will the 'na' , 'bhuddha' , 'bee' and 'old man'. nope. all gone. with the wind.
this has been a huge ego hit now tat i think abt it. but to think i lost it to the one i truly loved at that time seems all okay. we have seen worse. and i just believe that there is definitely a reason. all i await now is the yr to end; to start afresh and to learn from all the mess u and i did in our lives.
regrets? yes and no. i am lucky i tell u. i almost made a big mistake. there is no room for turning back. and altho i begged till the last second to hold on (like literally), maybe its just good u din agree. thanks.
nw i wanna see u walk down that road all by urself and i will be right here behind u. right here behind u. watching. silently. just doing that n ntg else.
like how one of my frens once said,
one day when u wake up and realise that u need me, i will wake up beside sumone who already knew.
i aint sad. well no longer. i am gd. and strong. u saw too much of that weakened shree. that lady who disintegrated infront of u. nah. cannot la mike. and funny how i went back to sumone else to sort out my feelings. and i need to. i feel better. its my right to be.
and so the flame has been ignited again.( not to burn u like how once u feared wahahaha) and like how i din wan it at all den, and u made ur way thru my life, i aint gonna allow all that anymore with anyone else. till i fully see myself ready, den i will allow my life n love to be one all over again.
on a lighter note, shree has gotten rid of that one burden. all free.wahahaha
and like how i always do, i hate to mention names. no one is eva gonna know who this person is. but i am sorry if u catch me serving slumberland... and u hear me say,
"oh, Fabian..."
ooopz.
here's Shree for u.
Woman by birth; Bitch by choice.
adioz.