and so...

and so... life has taken for a turn..


to start off... job at Changi Airport.
Thanks to Mr. Sengoyan and My Bhai, all was gd and nice and sleepy and boring.
and yes scratching Sengoyz.
Reuben and Fang Xian. Pretty nice.
End of Chapter 1.


Chapter 2.
turning the pages...
i had a fight with Valvinpal Kaur. babe. we have no more motherf*ckers to fight over abt
Balachandran. In the 7 odd yrs i know you, my my. u amuse me. u just hate the mirror in me, dun u? wahaha.

Chapter 3.
i am seriously contemplating a double degree in india. one in Tamil Literature and the other in Carnatic Vocal. my parents aint very receptive abt this. B.A. to be done in Loyola college and Carnatic to be in Kalakshetra i think.
i mean, hell i aint living for anyone except amma anymore. so its just her to decide. btw this is only if SMU screws me up. i think they are planning. or if my fate is it, i am settling my ass in NUS.


Chapter 4.

Some things and some ppl just have not left my mind. sometimes i really wonder if life itself is a facade. i miss most of my friends, especially Rejabunnisah. Hell Ram family misses u babe. whr the hell are you? its so sick tt we cant even find u, and to top it all off, i feel so responsible. G, we need u. maybe i do. come back.

apart from tt, Daddy. u got me killing my feelings.

Musa. i haven said this word in yrs. nostalgia kills once again. walls have ears and so does this screen. i hate how this blog is watched. hell if not. only if not.
but hey hey hey. life has ended for some stuff. so let this be just as complicated as ever. scenes of life better left unrepeated. and bastards of feelings are better left unkindled.


Chapter 5.
ntg left much for this petite woman to say.(i think). except that my nephews have gotten me in love with em all over again and i am gd n gd with all this work that gets feelings and emotions outta my mind.
maybe Val u nvr seem to understand y Shree gets so bo-chap half the time.

i guess its cos i have realised wat and for whom life is worth living for? wat is a man who came n bashed u outta ya life and still claimed to hold ur love? wats a man who held ur heart in his hands with his eyes onto another woman's chest? wats a fren who seeks solace in ur arms and later sees her dreams of friendship with another? wats a dad who sees u as a hindrance of his time and savings? wats a mirror when it refuses to reflect ur true emotions and portray a facade constantly; just cos u wanna keep smiling abt how shit ur life really is???

c'mon. Shit happens. but u just cant let it happen to u all the time. it has to stop. but beware once it does, there's out for more.

so with all these, Shree ends with sleepy note.
The day has ended, and the dawn awaits me with surprises.
F the world and hold ur wits.
u nvr know which bastard wld wanna tear down ur shine.

Adioz

changi airport

hmmm.

life is changing, or so i think it is.
from the silent agreement within my heart to stop defining emotions to whatever the eye meets... things have indefinitely changed.

i have missed school for three days.all cos i cun wake up. actually today i really wanted to go. but i cun. hell.


ystdy's LFC match totally upsets me. they lost. Yeah they did.
but my heart goes out to u. we've got 5 titles to be contented with. we'll give in this time la. anyway Milan's 2nd goal was sheer luck. so F the world and hail the REDS.
so with all that madness at Athens, my alarm refused to activate in the morn. or so i tell myself
kekeke

to totally busted LFC at this time, i bought total 2 goals at sing pools. now the whole idea is LFC lost, and it cld have just remained that way with Milan's 2-0. but the bloody 88th min goal only means i lost my money and my team lost. crap. wat a bitch of a fan.

after 3yrs on tuesday, i made my way to Changi Airport. the bloody same place appa whr i last saw u. and the hug that nvr came and the kiss i nvr gave. it annoys me totally how i actually forgot whr i was heading to till i reached there, and how i have been successfully avoiding my trips there even to send off my closest of my closest friends but i have now agreed to work there for 5 days.
hell.
i know i aint over this. maybe Daddy u miss me. tts y u wanted me there, is it? ur smell still lingers around... no i haven forgotten u... u din have to torture me this way... but since u want it... its daughter submitting to ur heavenly request...
i soo miss u appa. come quickly. ur kutty is still waiting.


i think i have unfortunately put myself into another unappreciative environment. it sucks totally. no it aint gonna take a pair of iPod ear piece to hold me back. Shree now declares a fullstop. whole-heartedly. i think.

speaking of defining emotions, i guess it does not work tt way anymore. i think.


Valvinpal Kaur. u fight n fight n fight and still make me smile. this is one love-hate feeling. but i love u really my dear baby sis. time will tell it all.

To Mr.Sengoyan. its wierd how u see a xerox copy of urself in sumone u just cant stop cursing and swearing at. then and again, while i'm at this, i am totally respectful of the way u are and think.

Amma. i am so sorry i nearly fought with u. i know i am living for u and u only. its not like i wanna hold on to this life. trust me if it isnt for the loss of appa that u had gone thru, u wld haf probably gone thru it for me. hell i wish i cld openly tell u amma. but ya. i'll just wait till u see it urself.

i imagine. the floor opening up and swallowing me. and as much as i wanna be gg into it, i hold back. and fight for feelings not reciprocated and for ppl who stay no way by my side. with the blessing or curse, i dunno, of my stoned heart finally bleeding away into ounces of cold blood... i wonder again if being a stone is still all the more worth it. and less painful for that matter.

i hate this state of ambiguity. i despise it.

i need to go to the temple. i know i need to.

uuuuurgh.


but for now.
i will just do this.

F the world and hail the REDS.

adioz.

facing it

Perhaps i do not exactly have the outlet to my hidden emotions and feelings. in this case i muz admit tat i am not true to myself even. it is hard to eventually force myself into thinking that i am clear and emotionally/psychologically stable.

i have built up so much of anger and pain inside me that it only comes out thru silent tears, especially when i am alone.WHO in this world would want burden upon themselves? then, why is it I bring upon so much of pain onto myself?

I do need a break, i know. But as much as i thought i was giving myself one, I realised that i have stagnated myself and ended up giving myself a heart full of thorns to carry.

I cant seem to move on. With the losing divine faith and inability to focus, i once again bring myself to the slum, where sorrows and degradation befriend me.

Handlin so much of workload is my coping mechanism. As much as my friends have pestered me to meet them up, i have equally been stubborn to refuse them and let myself stay cooped up.

I have been living a facade.

I surrender.

i have a lot to blog

i have a lot to blog.
this page has beeen dormant for a long time.
pardon me.
yes i do know that u have missed me.
and the screams of the devil.
called my heart.


1.SMU interview

maybe u already know.

Q:how many chairs are there in the building?
A:erm. a thousand?
Q:argue ur case.
**Shree goes blur at this point.
A:i have completely no idea.
Q:well, how did u enter this place?
A:i asked for directions.signage.
Q: yup.so u have two mins. leave the room and do whatever u need to. n return.
**Shree runs out and checks the level plan and how many storeys, etc.


And so the case goes on. from number of conference rooms/meeting rooms/seminar rooms/offices/basement level/security... ...
i got 3430.
yes i did buy 4D. and i missed twice.
i had FUN.
but i haven gotten my acceptance letter!!!

2.
i am now teaching in St. Stephens School. primary. wonderful staff. working with Mrs.Sandran. moulding the future of SJI. and yes i will make sure no one gets in there. NO ONE.

3.
i am contemplating a trip to India at the end of the year on my own.
down to Chennai from Singapore and staying with lovely Saras. for a good 8 days.
it comes around 2K. i wanna save up the money all by myself. wanna shop, check kalakshetra and the universities there. cool. i cant wait.

4.
i had a tiff with Hari.
upsets me totally but i am glad we are both ok now. good frens DO fight. but when it happens, it hurts.badly. i guess i felt so threatened and insecure. but hell i am blessed.
JAK & CO. 4eva mike.

5.
anyway i wanna blog abt this as well.
MEN.
i think i so hate this three-letter word.
from dads to brothers to friends to boyfriends to husbands. they make women feel so insecure.
and.
emotionally threatened.
all the time.
their constant silent expectations of us from feeding them to ignoring them at times, they expect. and we are made to give. somehow the society has moulded us this way.
its sick. like how i cant have my girlfriends to myself, cos of their dad/bro/bf/hubby.
sick.
i gotta admit that i am too under this social spell.
hmmm.
for now i dun feel like giving. i feel like taking. *winks*
gimme.gimme.

6.
frankly i cant rmbr much. but i guess its pretty exhausting already.

*
*
*
there is love in my heart all over again.
but no one to give it to.

*bites*