::hear the screams of the devil::

confession

2011-09-26T14:23:00.000+08:00

wrote this some time earlier this month.
such a confession.

க‌த‌வை 'ட‌பார்!' என்று அடைத்துவிட்டு என் மேனி மெத்தைமேல் மெதுவாக‌ சாய்ந்தது. சோர்வு. சோர்வு என் உள்ள‌ங்காலிலிருந்து என் உச்சி மண்டை வ‌ரையில் த‌லை விரித்தாடிக்கொண்டிருந்தது.
க‌ண்ணுறக்க‌த்தை நாடிக்கொண்டிருந்த‌ என் கண்ணிமைக‌ள், என் தொலைபேசி மௌன‌த்தில் சினுங்கிய‌தும், ச‌ட்டென்று விரிந்தது. என் கை தொலைபேசியை எடுக்க‌, க‌ண்க‌ள் அதை பார்க்க‌, அவ‌ன் முக‌ம் என் தொலைபேசியில், இல்லை இல்லை, மன‌தில் தோன்றிய‌து.

உட‌ல் எவ்வ‌ள‌வு சோர்த்திருந்தாலும், ம‌ன‌ம் சோர்வாக‌ இல்லை போலும். அவ‌ன் குர‌ல் கேட்க‌ என் ம‌ன‌ம் ஒரு குழ‌ப்ப‌ம் நிறைந்த‌ ம‌கிழ்ச்சியிலும் உற்சாக‌த்திலும் துள்ளிக் குதித்த‌து. அந்த‌ ஒரு-த‌லை காத‌ல் உரையாட‌ல் ஒரு முடிவுக்கு வ‌ர‌, மீண்டும் நான் என் உல‌க‌த்திற்கு மீண்டு வ‌ந்தேன். 'இது காத‌ல் இல்லை' என்று என் ம‌ன‌ம் என‌க்கு ஞாப‌க‌ப்ப‌டுத்திய‌து. க‌ன‌வுல‌கில் மித‌ந்தேன். உற‌ங்கினேன்.

ஒரு கிண்ண‌த்தில் சாடின் துண்டுக‌ளைப் போல‌ ஒட்டிக்கொண்டு இர‌யிலில் ப‌ய‌ணிப்ப‌தை ஆங்கில‌த்தில் வ‌ர்ணிப்ப‌ர் இல்லையா? அன்று காலையில் இர‌யில் ப‌ய‌ண‌ம் அப்ப‌டி இல்லை. வெறித்தோடி இருந்த்து சாலை. உல‌க‌த்தில் நான் ம‌ட்டுமே இருந்தால் எப்ப‌டி இருக்கும் என்ற‌ நெடுநாள் க‌ன‌வு அன்று க‌டுக‌ள‌வு ந‌னவான‌து. நான் அம‌ர்ந்த‌ இருக்கையில் அன்று ஏதோ ஒரு த‌னி சுக‌ம். காதிலே இன்னிசையின் தேன் பாய்ச்சல். கைக‌ளில் க‌ண‌க்கு புத்த‌க‌ம். ஜ‌னவ‌ரி திங்க‌ளின் ப‌த்தாம் தேதி. ஊதிய‌ம் வ‌ரும் நாள். வ‌ரும் ப‌ண‌த்தைக் கொண்டு எல்லா செல‌வுக‌ளையும் க‌ழித்துவிட்டு மீத‌முள்ள‌ ப‌ண‌த்தை வைத்து அவ‌ருக்கு ஒரு...
திடீரென்று த‌னிமையின் சுக‌ம் ம‌றைந்து, த‌னிமை என்னை வாட்டிய‌து. அவ‌ருக்கு... அவ‌ர்... இல்லை...
இற‌ந்த‌கால‌த்திலேயே என் ம‌ன‌ம் சிக்கிக்கொண்டிருக்கிறது. க‌ண்க‌ளில் கண்ணீர் ம‌ல்க‌, என் ம‌ன‌தை இறுக்கிக்கொண்டு க‌ண்க‌ளில் நிர‌ம்பிய‌ உப்புநீரை திரும்ப‌வும் க‌ண்க‌ளுக்குள்ளேயே விர‌ட்டினேன்.இரயில் க‌த‌வுக‌ள் திற‌ந்த‌ன‌. என் கால்க‌ள் விறுவிறுவென‌ பாதையில் தாள‌ம் போட்ட‌ன‌. காலையில் வேலையை நோக்கி செல்வ‌தைப்ப‌ற்றி அன்று துய‌ர் இல்லை. இறந்த‌கால‌த்தைவிட்டு எதிர்கால‌த்தை அடைவேனோ என்ற‌ கேள்வி எழ‌ வேத‌னை ம‌ன‌தில் நில‌விய‌து.

காலையிலேயே ஒரு பாட‌லைக் கேட்டால் அதே பாட‌ல் நாள் முழுக்க‌ ம‌ன‌திலே ஓய்வில்லாம‌ல் ஓடிக்கொண்டே இருக்கும். அன்று அவ‌ருடைய‌ முக‌ம் என் நெஞ்சில் நின்ற‌ ராக‌ம். என் அவ‌ர். ப‌ழைய‌ அவ‌ர். அவ‌ரைப்ப‌ற்றி நினைத்தால் என் ம‌ன‌தில் சொட்டும் சில‌ நியாப‌க‌ துளிக‌ள்.
தேநீரில் கொஞ்ச‌மாக‌ பால். காதில் ஆங்கில‌ப் பாட‌ல். முக‌த்தில் க‌டுக‌டுவென கோப‌ம். ப‌ர‌ந்த‌ உத‌டுக‌ளில் க‌ல‌க‌ல‌வென‌ சிரிப்பு . அவ‌ரைச் சுற்றியிருப்பவ‌ர்க‌ளின் முக‌ங்க‌ளில் புன்ன‌கை - என் முக‌த்தில் த‌விர‌. என் காத‌லின் உண்மை நிலை... கண்ண‌த்தில் 'ப‌லார்' என‌ ஒரு அரை விழுந்தாற்போல...

மௌன‌த்தில் சினுங்கிய‌து தொல்லைபேசி. புதிய‌ அவ‌ன், ம‌றுமுனையில், ஆன‌ந்தமாக‌.

அவ‌ன்:ஏய் குட்டி, காலையிலிருந்து என் நியாப‌க‌மே இல்லையா? உன்ன‌ ரொம்ப‌ மிஸ் ப‌ன்னுறேன்.

இவ‌ள்: இல்லை, வ‌ந்த‌திலிருந்து ஒரே வேலையா இருந்தேன், அதான்...

அவ‌ன்: ஹ‌ஹ‌ஹ. சும்மாதான் கேட்டேன் குட்டி. இன்னிக்கு அம்மா உன்ன‌ப்ப‌த்தி கேட்டாங்க‌. உன்ன‌ பார்க்க‌னும்னு சொன்னாங்க‌.

இவ‌ள்: நாம‌ வெறும் ஃபெர‌ன்ஸ்னு அம்மாகிட்ட‌ சொல்லிட்டீங‌க‌ன்னு நென‌ச்ச‌?

அவ‌ன்: சொன்னேன்! அவ‌ங்க‌தான் அப்ப‌டி சொன்னாங்க!

இவ‌ள் மௌன‌ம் சாதிக்க‌.

அவ‌ன்: ச‌ரி குட்டி. உன்ன மூட் out ப‌ன்ன‌ விரும்ப‌ல‌. ஒன்னும் நினைக்காதே! நீ உன் ப‌ழைய‌ வாழ்க்கைய‌ ம‌ற‌க்கிற‌ வ‌ரைக்கும் நாம ஃபெர‌ன்ஸ் தான். ச‌ரி. அப்புற‌ம் கால் பண்ணுறேன். பாய் குட்டி!"

பெருமூச்சு விட‌க்கூடா நெஞ்சில் தெம்பில்லாத‌வாறு, என் மன‌தை என் வேலைப்ப‌ளுவில் புதைத்தேன். த‌ப்பிக்க‌ என‌க்கு தெரிந்த‌ ஒரே வ‌ழி. இந்த‌ நிம்ம‌தி மாலை ஐந்து ம‌ணி வ‌ரையில் ம‌ட்டுமே.
ப‌ழைய‌ அவ‌ரை ச‌ந்தித்தேன். பொழுது சாயும் வேலையில்.
காலை அரும்பி ப‌க‌லெல்லாம் போதாகி, மாலை ம‌ல‌ரும் இவ‌ர் நோய்.

அடுத்த‌ இரண்டு ம‌ணி நேர‌ம் ப‌ழைய‌ வாழ்க்கையை மீண்டும் அனுப‌விக்க‌ காத்திருந்தன‌ என் ம‌ன‌ம், என் உள்ள‌ம், என் உட‌ல், என் ஆசைக‌ள்.
க‌ண்ண‌த்தில் அவ‌ர் முத்த‌மிட‌, ப‌ழைய‌ சுக‌த்தில் மூழ்கினேன் மெல்ல‌. உல‌க‌த்தை உலுக்கிய‌ செய்திக‌ளைப்ப‌ற்றி ஆர்வ‌மாக‌ பேசினோம் நாம் இருவ‌ரும். உள்ள‌ங்க‌ளை இறுக்கிக்கொண்டிருந்த‌ விக்ஷ‌ய‌ங்களைப்ப‌ற்றி க‌தைக்க‌ இரு ம‌ன‌மும் இண‌ங்க‌வில்லை. அந்த‌ நொடியில் புன்ன‌கையிட்டுக்கொண்டே எதேர்சையாக‌ "போங்க‌!" என்று நான் சொல்ல‌, திடீரென‌ அவ‌ர், "அதான் போய்ட்டேனே" என்று ச‌ட்டென்று சொல்லிவிட்டார்.
அவ‌ர்: யாராவ‌து இருக்காங்க‌லா?

(பாசாங்கு)
அவ‌ருடைய‌ அவ‌ள்: யாராவ‌து என்றால்?
அவ‌ர்: ஆர் யூ டேட்டிங் அனிவான்?

(பொய்)அவ‌ருடைய‌ அவ‌ள்: சே, இல்ல‌. நீங்க‌?
அவ‌ர்: நானும் இல்லை.இனிமேலும் இருக்காதுன்னு நினைக்கிறேன்

(துள்ள‌ல்)அவ‌ருடைய‌ அவ‌ள்: வேறு வ‌ழியில்லைன்னா அப்புற‌ம் நீங்க‌ என்ன‌த்தான் க‌ல்யாண‌ம் ப‌ன்ன‌னும்.

அவ‌ர்: ஹ‌ஹ‌ஹ‌ நீயும் தான். க‌ல்யாண‌ம் ப‌ண்ண‌ தேவையில்லையே. நீயும் நானும், ஒரே வீடு... ந‌ம‌க்காக‌...

த‌லைக்குனிந்த‌ என் முக‌ம் அன்னார்ந்து அவ‌ர் முக‌ம் பார்த்த்து. இது போன்ற‌ பல‌ திரும‌ண‌ க‌ன‌வுக‌ள் அந்த‌ ப‌ழைய‌ வாழ்க்கையில் நொடிக்கு நொடி எங்க‌ள் உரையாட‌லில் த‌லைத்தூக்கின‌. அப்போது கேட்கும்போது ச‌ஞ்சார‌ம். இப்பொழுது கேட்கும்போதெல்லாம் ம‌ன‌தில் ச‌ஞ்ச‌லம்.

க‌ட்டிய‌ணைத்து, 'பார்த்துக்கொள்!' என்று அவ‌ர் சொல்லிவிட்டதும் இருவ‌ரும் விடைப்பெற்றோம்.

வீட்டை நோக்கிய‌ ப‌ய‌ண‌ம் ஒரு வெள்ளைத்தாள்.

இல்ல‌த்தை அடைந்துவிட்ட‌தும், கை கால்க‌ளை அழம்பிவிட்டு, என் த‌னியறையில் த‌ஞ்ச‌ம‌டைய‌ விரைந்தேன்.

சுப‌மில்லை.

new lease of life?

2011-08-31T09:35:00.003+08:00

my last post on april 19... reading it sent a smile to my face.
so many things have changed.

no longer in Oli right now. took a 10 week break and im now back to where i was working previously.
PRBO!!!
looks like i gotta maually jot down details of my life. i keep forgetting. keep forgetting who i am.

so i blogged abt bhaktan teacher in my last post. oh well, u are leaving next week. yes teacher, u were truly such an inspiration to my life and look at where things are now; so misplaced. i'm gonna miss u so much and its gonna hit me hard today... my first lesson without u today at 7pm. fuck.

ok, so next thing in mind. my dad had his first heart attack on monday morning. i was slping and he woke me up at 7am, i called for the ambulance and they never came. so he has two blockages. some people take this chance to act like perfect sissies and behave like women when they claim to have two balls in between their legs. ccb.

i scalded my hand on 18 aug. while making kesari. what an experience! what a pain! really, i rmb telling someone that i will nvr curse someone to burn in hell ever. but, oh wait. looks like you are going to. so the pain is pretty bad and of cos the scars are worse. they are here to stay, as a beautiful reminder too. and haresh, yes, the pretty hand i always showed u with pride beaming in my face is no longer going to be there anymore. bleagh. ok, no more emo.

after ramar's 14 yr vanavasam, he returns back home and so does shree. but mine is 14.5 years! hahaha. awesome. the prayer that finally came true. i guess praying is 25%, God's intervention is another 25% and of course our own actions are 50%. the last bit is just IMPT la. really.

and you. things have changed so much. while i silently and very secretively wish that this and that never happened, i am also glad it did. i know now what i need and what i want, i think. i am still the same old emotional gal who needs a security here and there and of cos, all that comfort. that comfort of knowing that i am not judged cos i really do not like to judge people or put an identity to someone's face cos of their actions. but wait, maybe i should just do that since that would keep me wary of aliens and monsters like you. and you. but you are one lucky ass. என் கண்ணீருக்கு கார‌ண‌ம் நீதான் என‌ தெரிந்தும், உன்னை என் காத‌லுக்கு கார‌ண‌மாக்கினேனே!

and you. why? you, the image of my past and present... i really wonder where you will be in future. u are such a question mark right now and that makes me the confused kid again. i feel sad sometimes, cos something so scarily tells me that this is shortlived... and im fucking shit scared sometimes that u are here to stay. and that would be... unimaginable yet so so so fucking possible. and no, thats not a smile on my face. its closer to a frown, really. cos i know you shree.

shree, fuck it. really. fuck the world. fuck the damn people around u. look at urself. dun look into the mirror and see the people in ur heart. i rmbr very clearly what amma said ystdy. 'பாத்திர‌த்தை அள‌ந்து சோறு போடு'.
how damn true. there is no point at all really. dun care. u are not going to get good words from ppl who think and act like satans. so leave and move away. விட்டு வில‌கி நிற்க‌வேண்டும்...

a significant song: உன்னோடு இருக்கும் பொன்னான‌ நிமிட‌ம்... எந்நாளும் தொட‌ர்ந்திட‌ நெஞ்ச‌ம் ஏங்கும்! :)

so much more in my heart... but the spillage ends here.

adioz.

alone.

2011-04-19T15:51:00.003+08:00

looks like im officially single. i cried but these were tears of my love and not his. i shall not bore myself any further of wat i will miss and what i have lost.
looking back the past 5 months, i have grown emotionless, grown to take life as it gives me and let people go. i feel less love in my heart and feel less for doing anything for sumone else.

today as i spoke to myself, i realised my weakness. i keep thinking that everyone who walks into my life is special. how stupid of me. all that wastage of energy. and emotions.

i rmbr thiv said that i should stop taking onions and garlic and i have been a faithful follower. and this is the result. less emotions. stark realisation. that hits me in my face. slaps my fat cheeks so hard that i bleed.

look back jayshree. look at the ppl i have been in contact with all of a sudden. who are they? what are they doing to me? where will they be in a year's time?
look at my family. that part of me is over, u know. I know!
look at my job. totally satisfying yet a gazillion issues to deal with everyday.
look at my account balance. pfft.

today at dance class. my teacher's words taught me smth. that no matter how much i had achieved, i stand small before him. i stand shy. and unconvinced of my own power. he pushes and pushes me, silently telling me he believes in me. such an inspiration u are, teacher.
thank u.

i wanna take a deep breathe . clean and good. start my life anew in every way possible. god, i haven been quite faithful i know, but pls help, if u dun mind.

jayshree, let me love you.

shree

choices

2010-06-14T16:14:00.007+08:00

everyone has choices. i wonder if everyone rmbrs tat. choose when to slp,to eat, to hang out with whom, etc. its funny hw sometimes we dun tk d responsibilities of choices made, dun respect others' choices n simply dun realise we hv choices.
i often wonder y i hv taken d burden of other ppl's choices. n sadly some of my loved ones undergo that cos of me too. but d selfish me has now told myself not to do so any longer. i think its d onions doing it. haha. naggy granny told me tt taking too much onions in ur food makes u emotional. i laughed for a whole yr den i decided to try it n hell it worked! so going back, i nvr thought abt wat growing up is all about n jus as i think i ve learned smth from a new perspective, i learn smth else as well. its funny hw one can think u know all.

n older ppl dun get it that no matter hw much u tell young brats to do this n not do that, it nvr sets in. i mean it nvr worked with d youth den, hw will it work now? n ppl get so quick to judge them n label that as advice n "oh i know whr this will end up". oh shuddup.
give our youth to space to breathe, to make choices, to learn n repent. everything has alrdy been written by God. dun kiasu la. n BTW ITS EVEN MORE ANNOYING WHEN PPL MY AGE CAN ACT LIKE FREAKING OLDIES! SCREW U!

on a brighter side of life, im happy with the consequences of some choices i hv made. some choices still haunt me as i try to look at d path ahead. more than ever i m happy that i hv lost contact with many ppl, chosen to contact d impt ones more seriously n chosen to avoid many problems of mine n others. im less 'garbaged' in my mind now, finally.

i thank God n all my close frens for this revelation b4 its too late. i love d very few ppl in my life now.

peace be with you.

adioz.

shree

after so many months

2010-04-07T18:11:00.002+08:00

exams are coming and its the time of the sem when i am usually seen ard in sch more often than ever.
its interesting how this once very fierce and confident person i knew myself to be is slowly crumbling down.
apart from the usual laments of my fatigue and what not, i am now gonna lament abt my self-destructive minddd.

even i cant believe it that i am havng nightmares. of the ppl i hate so much in my life now. i even once told myself that i will never hate ppl, but now i actually do. in so many diff ways. its just difficult to see urself fight all the times, so sometimes u decide to defeat urself... that is the 1st sign of a loser but not a sore one. i guess i have established such a r/ship with myself that i dun think it is a sign of a loud defeat but a quiet victory.

i am astonished that i really really do not forget and forgive ppl easily. i am now a grown up (i think) 22 year old woman and i still cannot let go of my teenagehood and my childhood. all those who have been dear still are dear and all those i hate i still do hate them. more disasterously, the ones who are dear and have betrayed are the unforgotten dears and unforgiven hates. i hate that in me. with many ppl walking in and outta our lives, we probably dun give two hoots abt letting go. its when u think u have let gone and u think again... maybe not.

i work ard the clock and i pray that i will always have this determination and strength to do so all the way. its my way of being there for myself, or so i wld like to think. hmmm. like that independence. i depend on my daily varied activities to keep myself sane and insane at the same time.
last yr's sikkim trip made me feel like a free bird, i really wish i cld go back to that place just once more. it was a time i was with myself completely. and with thiviya beside me, it was perfect. she has always been ard me and whether she approves of what i do or not, she's always there to hear me out. i dunno how many friends do that for me, i dunno if i wld do that for anyone but she does. and i am amazed. sikkim was just probably everything i dreamt of whenever i wish i was alone and cld create brand new r/ships and impressions. immerse urself in just everything before u and be a lost soul.

yup maybe thats just what i need; i need to lose myself. and not be restricted. i guess everyone wants to be free physically. but i wanna be free of emotions that hold me back, that make me bonded and obligate. *i should just listen to thiviya and stop eating onions and garlics*

these nightmares have to stop.. and i must gain my old self and confidence back. those days. why do i have to fight internal battles always?

to pray is my only hope.

shree.

sm 09

2009-07-01T23:33:00.003+08:00

i am fucking stressed.

sange muzhangu. work. tuitions. n a perturbed mind

sucks this whole combination. i dunno how long i can last this way. hate it. loathe it.

i am so bloody confused. the confused kid theory sets in again. makes my life no better.

all that sudden incompetency is not helping

gives me the creeps

i wanna get outta this shithole

i need to see the horizon to swim further. but its too dark dude, and u block the sunlight even further.

sum things u just cant say. all that secrets in the chambers of ur heart. to no avail. such forbiddence.

i wanna see myself smile again. be tt mindless freak i was last sat at o bar.

i need a break. and one badly.

pretty pls. stop time and let me run ahead.

adioz.

2009-06-12T22:06:00.001+08:00

2nd post

தமிழுக்கு என்னையே அர்ப்பணித்த காரணங்களில் இதுவும் ஒன்று...

கவின்மிகு பாடல் வரிகள்...

இளைய கன்னியின் இமைத்திடாத கண் இங்கும் அங்குமே தேட (யமுனை ஆற்றிலே)

அழகாக சிரித்தது அந்த நிலவு

ஒரு கோடி மின்னலை பார்வை ஜென்னலாய் வீச சொல்லியா கேட்டேன்? இனி நிலவை பார்க்கவே மாட்டேன் (நான் வானவில்லையே)

அற்றை திங்கள் அன்னிலவில், கொற்ற பொய்கையில் ஆடுகையில், ஒற்றி பார்வை பார்த்தவனும் நீயா? (நறுமுகையே)

நீ அழைக்கின்ற வேளையில் உயிர் பூ திடுக்கின்று மலரும் (புது வெள்ளை மழை)

கருப்பு வெள்ளை பூக்கள் உண்டா? உன் கண்ணில் நான் கண்டேன்... உன் கண்கள் வண்டி உண்ணும் பூக்கள் என்பேன் (சுட்டும் விழி சுடரே)

வாழை குமரியடி கண்ணம்மா, மருவக் காதல் கொண்டேன் ( சுட்டும் விழி சுடர்)

வெண்ணிலவே விண்ணை தாண்டி வருவாயா? விளையாட ஜோடி தேவை! இந்த பூலோகத்தில் யாரும் பார்க்கும் முன்னே உன்னை அதிகாலை அனுப்பி வைப்போம்...

உன்னை பார்த்து எந்தன் தாய் மொழி மறந்தேன்! (கண்ணாளனே)

n the rest i am just too lazy to type...

adioz

some bastards

2009-06-12T05:35:00.003+08:00

i cant slp.
with so many thots running thru my head...
i hate ths weight gain the suddenness of pimples
and the unexpected low self esteem.
it came even b4 pms.

i dun wan2 slp.
dun ask me y. i m in no mood to sit down discuss how who did this n what went wrong. arent we all a bit too old alrdy? hw abt thinking abt whr my future takes me instead?

sum ppl in my life try to think i am their fucking doll. interrogating me like a bloody convict. pride kills. false prides stabs u in the neck and u'll bleed till u run dry. and yes thats a curse.

its a dog eat dog world. den y ask me to be a vegetarian?am i not suppose to compete in the rat race as well?

why the fuck muz everything be seen as a forbidden ground? vaaname ellai. my mind has countless thoughts. how personal and peaceful. how secretive and... dangerous.

dreams unfulfilled. halting and i am responsible. when? when i see my face in the mirror and my dashed hopes stare back at me? shree, cant u handle this one, too?

i need this distraction. cos it won't last. period. i need my space to breathe and grow up.

and u fucking watch the way u speak to me.

adioz.

sugar rush

2009-05-01T01:14:00.003+08:00

i am feeling so fucked up. i know its just the fucking sugar rush. the shark and the redbull did it.i cant stand it sumtimes. i hate this whole feeling.
that one wierd feeling in me and the trepidation is too much to hold. and the reoccuring thought is annoying.

u know what, i need a break. i cant wait for exams to end. i need to sit down, stare at the wall and be with myself. i miss myself so much. running ard, exams and all tt tuition and life with ntg for myself is annoying. fucking irritating.
and all that dough game, i wonder when tt stops.
i wanna slp, sugar is making me mentally tired i think. i wanna eat, the weighing scale scares me. i wanna have fun, the hole in my pocket is becoming bigger.
bitch. life is such a bitch. i feel like lamenting and lamenting. and i am not pmsing. its just the fucking sugar rush. and next tuesday, i gotta undergo the same shit. just cos of that stupid morning paper. u guys ok or not? who wants to start writing at 9am?? not me. thats almost the
time i am super deep in my slp.
watching the ny videos is bringing up loadsa memories. and like i said, the best thing that eva happened to me there is hariharan. i loved the freedom, unlike AC. the sch and the chinese ambience was wat i loved abt it the most. but i mean who is out there to dictate my life and tell me what i enjoyed and loved? the one reading this for KPO sake? or the ones who self proclaim the rights over my memories?

i am liking mafia wars. after so long, i actually like a game. and i cant access it now. how irritating is that? i mean u like smth and u dun get to play it and when i play it feel less stressed. i mean when i study gender, it tells me that men are such competitive ppl that they see everything as a game/competition. so why cant women see things this way? when we start challenging life, we are seen as stronger (cos we are) and then get stigmatized as a rebel? who the fuck gave u such wrong sociological opinions?

the mental life is affected u know, those who keep wanting all for themselves. from false pride to all that know-it-all attitude, i mean c'mon la. grow up. its over. and that pretty yet annoying lecturer who wrote me crap, i still like ur punctuality thingy.

Such random writing. incoherence. just like the thoughts in my damn head. a little nice word would do me some good. and less thinking. and no seeing. and mafia wars. and no more shark and redbull.
individuality works for me, trust me. as long as i keep running the day with work, sch, tuition and walk walk walk talk, i am sane. and thats the onli way to find out. on the contrary.

adioz

கேளடி kanmani

2009-04-27T01:48:00.002+08:00

ntg seems very personal anymore, does it? somehow evryone has their two cents to add into my life.

i am suffering frm slight insomnia.

i think n think n think.

exam tmr and here i am awake.

Psalm 20

appa

durga parameshwari

settled.

adioz.

tamil

2009-02-28T23:00:00.003+08:00

எனக்கு நித்திரை வருகிறது. சற்று ஓய்வெடுக்கலாமே என்று மனதில் தோன்றுகிறது.மனத்திரையில் அவனது முகமே உலா வருகிறது. அதனாலே தூக்கம் வருகிறதோ என்னவோ? இருபத்தி ஒன்றாம் வயதில் ஏற்படும் மாற்றங்களில் இதுவும் ஒன்றோ? காதலைவிட என் கல்வியிலும் என் கள்ளாப்பெட்டியிலுமே நாட்டம் அதிகமுண்டு!

with all the economic crisis and more women staying single, maybe this could be an alternative mindset for all those women with high aspirations.

கனவிலே கண்டேன் நான் ஒரு பாரதியார் புதுமைபெண் என்று!
அதிலும் கண்டேன் உன் சேயிக்கு நானே தாய் என்று!

ஜெஸ்ரீ
personal power is the ability to take action.

happiness is sitting next to me. i so need to get back to some serious studying.

back

2008-12-15T15:53:00.002+08:00

i am jobless and aimless. tuitions dun count. aaaargh. boredom kills me.
i have been very happy. for d past wk at least. i dunno. have been myself with myself.

sch will start in a mth.
waiting.

adioz

losing it

2008-12-06T00:08:00.005+08:00

after a month, almost.
exams are over and the pressure has not left me.

i am feeling like a total idiot.
i am so bloody unhappy, like fuck man!

i need to do so many bledi fucking things and i haven got time to be there for myself.
cb its so bloody irritating.
i know i sound selfish. but let me be.
i wanna live for myself. at least i dun feel like a fucking fool anymore. at the end of the day, i am glad it was done for me.

i aint anybody's maid. i need a life on my own. freedom to do wat i feel like. screw it i aint young anymore. i wanna slp when i wan to. sing when i wan to. eat when i wan to. study when i wan to. go out when i wan to. be there for myself if i wan to.

i wanna be free.
wanna be alone.

i am feeling lonely and i am happy abt it.
cos no one really is out there for me.
its a fucking selfish world.
there is no fucking thing as friends, family, love or relatives.

face it man.
its just u n u alone.
only my degree burns with me when i die.

its gonna be me and my mirror only. pls all those fake friends and those 'i cant live without u' 'call me anytime u need me' 'frenz forever' drama ppl. .I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING LYING.

THERE IS REALLY NO ONE OUT THERE FOR ANYONE.

one for one. none for all.

adioz.

my thoughts

2008-11-08T12:56:00.004+08:00

today is the 8th. the day i reached australia,perth, exactly 5 yrs ago... that very saturday...
and when the sunday night came... i knew my life had changed forever... i had lost my pillar of strength.

recently i have been feeling pretty 'dependent'. maybe cos i have not been running ard for tuitions and stayin in sch to study for long hrs. feels gd yet smth is so amiss.

u know smtimes u just feel that u are missing this part of ur life. this void. and i know its not cos of my appa. hmmm. when u feel the loss of attention, thats when u feel it best.the loss i mean.
well i hope that by staying away, i will gain at the end. i hope.

i just heard this horrendous news that i was 60 kg last yr on nov 28. i dunno how far its true. while thiv says its not true and my other half says that it is definitely true... i dare ask anyone to bring a weighing scale to me now. Your Highness weighs a near-to-petite 47 kg. wahahaha. we'll see if i can lose another 2kg more by xmas.

oh well. i have been having nightmares for a long time. of being chased, of being cheated, of falling and hurting myself n wat not. scary sial...

well i better go eat n study. cant waste much time, can i?

adioz.

lost my voice. happy :)

2008-11-03T13:20:00.002+08:00

over a short period of 4 days, i guess i fell too sick. lost my voice and cant seem to get out of bed. luckily i managed a day out with my friends for diwali visiting on saturday.

crap i think i am having a horrid breakout on my alrdy fairly bad complexion.

i have soo many things to speak abt. to speak my mind. but suddenly i feel all sorts of restrictions on me. those that i have put on myself. hmmmm crap.

certain things i have to say.

i aint mourning any loss of any particular friend in my life.

i have alrdy labelled you a bitch. so beware not to cross my path cos u are so gonna fuck-slammed in ur ears.

what goes around comes around. sorry, i know i should be by ur side, but i cant help but feel this way as well. i do feel very sorry for u and i wish u good. and thanks Kanna, i wonder if i wld have reacted as maturedly as u if i were in ur shoes. i really doubt so.

watch what i say to you. i know its always better to keep a distance. cos i nvr know when u gonna stab me in my back once 30 days is up. once bitten, twice shy.

i kinda have this odd feeling in me. i know its utterly ridiculous at this point of time but yeah, i cant quite help it though. *laughs*

oh hell. my running nose screws me up again. its running faster than i do. well anyth does.

adioz.

2008-10-29T23:21:00.002+08:00

my attempt to revive my blog
so sem exams are approaching
diwali is over.

i need to start studying and it starts from tmr!!! ( i hope)
tuitions just ended. but luckily for me this yr i have kids who wan tuition thruout holz.

thiv asked me to blog at my feelings. maybe i shd.

hmmm. i guess giving in is all abt life. no i mean life is all abt giving in.
i guess i shd no longer waste my efforts in getting angry and feeling hurt. its really all up in our minds.
i mean, lets just be silently 'selfish'? muz i think so much and create such emotional turmoil for myself?
if i choose to let go and have no expectations of ppl ard me... i know for sure life will be a better place.
*oh god. i got a bit confused here*

well anyway thiv made this kind observation of me n my activties. individualistic she said.
i cant deny. me gg to sch, my classes n tuition n heading home with no social life etc.
niva also goes thru the same routine as me. well, sumtimes we work so much for the future and dun live for the present. it sucks. but when u know that u are gg broke the next wk itself, might as well get ur ass off to work right?like i have a choice, dammit!

recently, my other half said that i am being very childish. i have realised that i am being such an idiot to some people in my life. i have taken steps to seriously rectify it. but isn't it just nice to sit down and wish u were a child all over again? sighz. i miss those days man.

yes thiv, we will make up for all the time we din spend together by going out after exams. first place, SHOPPING!
next makan, makan, makan in tekka! yey.

my last thought of the day is that, if i really want to, i can. although i do relapse into my those 'off' moods and become such as ass, i suppose, it is still under my control.

wel, i suppose i just wanted to be a gd gal today and blog like an angel.

oh well.

woman by birth, bitch by choice.
adioz.

mess

2008-10-11T02:30:00.002+08:00

right now everything is a mess.
from my room to my modules to my schedule to this blog to my relationships.

room
its a mess. has always been. now cos of spring cleaning, its even worse. books and clothes strewn everywhere.

modules
i keep reading but it des not end. annoying. i am up to date yet not. confusing! in the arts fact, reading nvr endsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..................................

schedule
who said teaching tuition was easy? now they are having their exams. den tuition ends. we have exams and we go broke. wtf
navratri sucked the living breathe outta me. uuurgh.
sch sch sch. paatu and dance class. i cant complain enuf yet all these truly hold my sanity.

blog
loadsa drafts saved... incomplete.
dun feel like posting them. let me see, wat more excuses can i give?

relationships
friends.fiends.
funny.
how u think they know u so well but then and again they prove u wrong.
i so believe that frens can be ur downfall as well as uplift u in many ways.
my other half thinks that friends are the world.
my best friend spends his salary on them.
my babe just think they cant understand her ever
my dhostu just changed her mind abt me after suffering a few injuries

and i here feel so upset that the frens i thot were the coolest ever dun rmbr a thing abt being cool and worse still abt the times we were really close.
so very odd. its damn sad
i think i so rmbr every moment with such love for many of the ppl i deem close and i go like,
'hey do u rmbr blah blah blahblah?'(with a fucking stupid excited tone)
and den i get a blank look
OR
"oh yaaaa!" and den they tell me smth that does not even exist to my imagination.

i am such a wild dreamer and i dream a lot abt having fun.
thing is, i usually dun have fun. i dun seem to have time and so i hold on to dreams and memories. but ppl dun see such things.
basically they forget.

for me this does not work out entirely.
this day, seated at my laptop and doing the usual that i have not in months makes me feel odd.

cos i realise i have missed out loads and i dun/CAN'T seem to regret it a bit. (except the bit whr i have missed out on downloading songs) i suppose my 'frens' have made them worthless in the meantime.

and den haran replies me telling me how we both cant be without each other...
i guess friendship is a ship that nvr sinks after all!

adioz.

the shruthi box and its meaning

2008-09-07T21:02:00.002+08:00

yatra is finally over. this is probably one of the last few times i am gonna utter that word, at least for this year. on my part, it was a success evidently.

sch started like 4 weeks ago. n here i am,having just finished two wks of sch for all my modules. week 5 starts tmr. i still haven gotten off the resting/lazing mode. n i have a gd number of tuitions n navarathiri.

thing is i am really troubled. first things first, i was coaxed by my parents to go for a karoke singing comp today. i managed to persuade my campus-mate to follow me n sing a duet as well. as usual, i screwed up. i feel super bad for him. not only that, i have a burning anger within me.
WhyTF am i screwing up? my 6th yr in paatu is ending. i have performed in temples, n when ppl get me to sing, i seemingly and so-called get their wows. but when i go for a competition, all screws up. i will NOT blame my nervousness for this. i do get it too when i debate, but i pull that one off well. even during exams. den wat abt singing... i do it every damn day when i am eating and when i am shitting and when i am dreaming. why the hell do i go off pitch at all the impt points and screw up like this??
as my msn nick explains, my shruthi box lost its meaning today. i din have to go off key. i simply cun get it. the best part, i din even know. i dunno wat is wrong with my ears. i am partially deaf due to all that blasting of ear-pieces that sumtimes i dun even know that i am screaming.
and of cos, when has stubbornness not caused me problems?? i simply refuse to sing at sumone else's pitch and imitate voices. that is not wat karnatic teaches me.
i feel that my voice has conformed to karnatic all these yrs that i simply REFUSE to imitate sumone else's voice n sing. its just not right. that is not wat my sangeeth teaches me. so how the hell do i explain this to ppl? i prefer to sing at my own shruthi. at the end of the day when i sit in front of a crowd and start my arangetram(debut), i fucking cant/dun/won't have a bloody playback going on at the back of my head. its my fucking own voice and the shruthi box. and this is far more important to me than any competition ever.

apart from this, i have a lot of academic worrying to do. looks like this sem is not gonna be easy. and i gotta work my ass off till its sore. seems like i have heaps of travelling to do. plus reading. plus my classes and of cos mid-terms. i cant screw up yet again.

and the fact that u see me no longer the same... the wound is repeated made sore by everything i hear from ur mouth.

i wish i cld scream n scream. i wanna hear the screams of my own devil. i prefer to now hang onto my silence and dwell alone.

at the end of the day, i just hope to die at God's feet, my degree(s) at hand and sangeeth still playing in my heart...

adioz.

உன்னை என்னை கேட்டுகிட்டா காதல் நெஞ்சை தட்டுச்சு???

2008-08-11T18:34:00.003+08:00

SECOND YEAR FIRST SEMESTER

HERE I COME

school has finally started. and i am SOOOOO glad it has.

i am gonna enjoy school and have fun studying.

i seriously enjoy sociology. and being a sociologist.
and maybe an anthropologist as well.

i dunno wat to write. whr to start.
all is good. ntg is screwed up. feels gd yet wierd. talk abt optimism.

well, in the end, all one needs is

thoda pyaar thoda magic...

busy

2008-07-30T17:54:00.002+08:00

nus.yatra. and work.

boy, i am tired! today is probably the earliest i came back in a month. sighz.

and as usual this workaholic is enjoying it. sumtimes altho i can get really so frustrated, i know i like what i am doing.

and of cos all this wld not have been possible if not for my great friends, who understand my schedule and stay by me.

to u all, a BIG thanks.
and with an even bigger hug.

இந்த பூமியே பூவனம். உங்கள் பூக்களைத் தேடுங்கள்
இந்த வாழ்க்கையே சீதனம். உங்கள் தேவையைக் கேளுங்கள்

adioz.

2008-07-12T00:31:00.006+08:00

ஆழியிலே முக்குளிக்கும் அழகே
ஆவியிலே த‌த்த‌ளிக்கும் அழகே

உன் குழ‌லோடு விளையாடும் காற்றாக‌ உறுமாறி
முந்தானை ம‌டியேற‌வா மூச்சோடு குடியேற‌வா
உன் இடையோடு ந‌ட‌மாடும் உடையாக‌ நான் மாறி
எந்நாளும் சூடேரேவா என் ஜென்ம‌ம் ஈடேற‌வா

ஆழியிலே முக்குளிக்கும் அழகே
ஆவியிலே த‌த்த‌ளிக்கும் அழகே

உன் விம்மென்ற‌ கன்னத்தில் விம்மென்ற‌ நெஞ்ச‌த்தில்
இச்சென்று இத‌ழ் வைக்கவா
இச்சைக்கோர் இலை வைக்கவா

உன் உம் என்ற‌ சொல்லுக்கும் விம் என்ற‌ சொல்லுக்கும்
இப்போதே தடை வைக்கவா
மௌன‌த்தில் குடி வைக்கவா

அக‌ம் பாதி முக‌ம் பாதி ந‌க‌ம் பாயும் சுக‌ம் மீறி
ம‌றைத்தாலும் ம‌றைக்காது அழகே

அடிவான‌ம் சிவ‌ந்தாலும் கொடி பூக்க‌ள் ப‌ற‌ந்த்தாலும்
உன்னைப் போல இருக்காது அழகே
அடிவான‌ம் சிவ‌ந்தாலும் கொடி பூக்க‌ள் ப‌ற‌ந்த்தாலும்
உன்னைப் போல் இருக்காது அழகே

அழ‌கே விய‌க்கும் அழ‌கே
அழ‌கே விய‌க்கும் அழ‌கே

my latest craze. pyaar.
dedicated to that one wonder.
MYSELF.

i cry

2008-07-10T18:51:00.002+08:00

I cry

For all those who love me

for all those I love

For All I have lost

For all I have gained

For all the friends I have made

For all the foes I have made

For all those selfless acts of mine

For all those selfish thoughts of mine

For all the times I admired beauty with my eyes

For all those times I shun away faces with the very same sight

I cry for all that has past and yet to happen

I cry for all the pain and all that love

I cry for all that I studied and all that I failed

I cry for all the living dead

Just like me.

An empty train with no passengers.

That is what I want to be.

Carrying nothing with me but just myself.

And travelling, aimlessly.

the yatra

2008-07-03T17:24:00.002+08:00

yes i am still here.
i aint dead. although my feelings are going to be soon.

i am all confused. not cos of myself, of course.

i am clear of being all unclear.

Have you wondered if a person is sleeping or is dead?
Have you ever thought of what wld it be like to have wings and fly?

Bizzare thoughts fill my head. Here i am wondering and wondering.

FEAR.

i fear fear.
it overwhelms me.
i fear of failing.
losing
being happy lest it shall not last
being sad lest it lasts

its scary. to look at life positively.

and when i sleep, i dream.
dream of everyday things.
everyday things that scare me.
i no longer fear myself only.
i fear you, you and you. and you too.

but its funny how i dun run away this time round.
i wanna be there.
feel the pain and fear
the fear of losing life even sometimes.

i bet its worst out there. somewhere. i think.

a naalum oru kural once said : God will not give u what u want, but he will give you what u deserve.

u think so??
maybe.

lets just see. if your journey through ur own mind will make me the victim, hmmm.
although it does not pay to be selfless all the time, i still learn something outta it. to be not what i dun want you to be.

one doubt though.

how long will life be lasting for humans to continually think they will repent soon, again and again?

fed up.

adioz.

i dunno wat to do anymore

2008-06-22T01:42:00.004+08:00

i dunno wat to do anymOre.

i dun seem to be able to articulate my thoughts. at the same time i suffocate thinking that all of it is getting bottled up.

i dun even think i am allowed to get angry. or feel hurt. or cry at the very least.

i have placed a barrier before myself.

i aint guilty. i aint self-pitying.

i am puzzled. thoroughly.

smth in me is dying to speak.
to tell u that smh is just not right.
no no there is no other way.
yes i do know why.
actually i dun.

bizzare.

i am unnervingly shutting up.

adioz.

happy father's day appa

2008-06-15T19:42:00.000+08:00

happy father's day appa

u r still out there watching over me, aren't u?

sometimes u just gotta listen

2008-06-12T22:25:00.003+08:00

sometimes u just gotta listen.

i have been sick. mentally n physically. n tired too.

oh yeah. sumtimes when u have been too close to sumone, like ur best fren or even ur parents, u dun even realise what u say to them. example when u wish sumone good nite, it actually means that u wish them gd sleep, and that they rest well. we dun even realise why we say things nowadays. everthing has become a routine. and the worth seems absent. its not the worth that is absent actually, its ur mind.

when u tell sumone to eat well and be safe, it means have ur meals properly and dun get into any damn shit. geddit?

i see that i say too much of these things and they no longer have any impact on the other side. so simply, it just means its time to stop. did u realise that when u stop giving love, thats when ppl question u?

the weather has been terrible. i need to go for a gd workout soon. tire myself out n get myself really tired. den slp n slp n shut my hp. i have a gd reason in mind to go MIA.

damn i aint gg for special sem. kolluppu. who the hell will be sick of holz except me?

read this in archie comics : the best revenge is no revenge at all.

and or yeah. sum ppl need to get their mouths shut or even have their lips sewn together. nowadays men bitch more than women. yikes.

not that i gotta go. but i wanna go. adioz.

i think sani got me

2008-05-23T21:05:00.002+08:00

i think SANI got me. the past two weeks have been a tornado. not only in those disaster-struck countries.

i got into a horrid job. appointment agent they call it. but its tele-marketing.
and they do not switch on the air-conditioner. so its a sauna. break time is 25 mins. but they release us 5 mins late n expect us 5 mins earlier. we eat at the roads of raffles plaza/boat quay with the JEANZ sign staring at me.

well the saying goes, once bitten twice shy. hey but u know wat? it just doesn't work with me. masochist i am.

and so when this supposed teenAGE strikes u, we blame ur state of mind for being a delinquent and untolerably irritating. but seriously, i wonder how long this lasts. hmmm. for sumone like me, i find this so annoying to accept, yet i know its true. and the truth is geting outta this deficit, as the age calls for it, is really hard. and so i conclude, growing up is a pain. and its hard. even so for my 22-yr old sweetheart.

i had a tiff with my sis that day. and if she chances upon this, i just wanna let her know this.

sis, i love u very much. and though time cld have brought us to the point of fighting tat way when we had nvr done so b4, i wan to let u tt i treasure u many many. and i love ur kids even more.

and i think i wanna get sum studying done again. reading up on investments n female mags!!!

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
victim of circumstances, they say.

be silent, i say.

adioz.

its been so long. home alone.

2008-04-14T21:27:00.001+08:00

sem has come to a closure. after exams, i wanna haf fun fun fun.

the exam outlook seems ok only at the moment. with sociology n singapore studies going gd, lit is moderate, psychology is at its suckiest point. ( yes u read it right sherinah, jaish n our overweight ms niva who are our psych loosus, oops majors.) how the hell do u guys do it maaaaan?

just to share a few thoughts.

i guess in my life, or rather in our lives, time n money play a very impt role. it is sad to see myself not making full use of either;in short not valuing both of them. before i can turn back and give a nod to their presence in my life, they seem to live my sight. haiz. i hate myself for doing this injustice i tell u.

i am taking so long to type this entry cos i have been by mosquitoes and i am going... scratch uncontrolled.

easier said den done, everything needs a control.

i have realised smth. ( i realise many things but do nothing abt them actually)

it makes no sense to put in ur heart and soul over many things. cos basically not everything turns out the way u wld like it to be. and so, dun build false hopes. cos disappointment isn't easy to handle.

it breaks ur soul, squeezes its way up ur chest, chokes u in the throat and escapes thru a little pain in ur eyes. as ur tears.

i hate repeated episodes. be it in some soap operas or even in my life. now that i have allowed a little repitition of some sort, i realised.

nothing is gonna change in a long time.

on a brighter note, i am in love with the movie 'shakespeare in love'. its too nice for me to even comment abt it. For those of u who already know, it takes its place after kanda naal muthal in my life. just waiting to get hold of the VCD/DVD. den hahahaha.

while writing this, i am watching a scene on tv where a father/husband has died. yes its a tamil show, and with all its exaggeration and stuff.. evoking much sympathy (empathy in my case) , i cant quite handle the story behind this.

u know seeing sumth like that in ur life...
i rather get a divorce / stay away from my father / lose contact completely

den to live life through with them and lose them to death

and undergo the pain of having to live without them ever again

i rather u be far away... like now.

i dunno if this makes sense. maybe ultimately, its both abt staying away from each other. but yeah. i know wat i am saying. in those many ways in which i am saying...

below, i am posting the lyrics of a song that has bestowed its addiction on me.

Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Unakkena Vaazhgiren Naanadi
Vizhiyile Un Vizhiyile Vizhundhavan Thaanadi
Uyirudan Saagiren Paaradi
Kaadaamal Ponaai Idhu Kadhal Saabamaa?
Nee Karaiyai Kadandha Pinnaalum
Naan Moozhgum Odamaa?
Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Unakkena Vaazhgiren Naanadi

Kanavugalil Vaazhndhuvitten Irudhivarai
Kangaliley Thoovivittaai Manthugalai
Indha Sogam Ingu Sugamaanadhu
Adhu Varamaaga Nee Thandhadhu
Nee Marandhaalume Un Kadhal Mattum
En Thunaiyaaga Varugindradhu
Aaraadha Kaayangal En Vaazhkai Paadamaa?
Ini Theeye Vaithu Erithaalum En Nenjam Vegumaa?
Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Uyirudan Saagiren Paaradi

Kadaliniley Vizhundhaalum Karaiyirukkum
Kaadhaliley Vizhundhapinney Karaiyillaiey
Indha Kadhal Enna Oru Nadai Vandiyaa?
Naan Vizhundhaalum Meendum Ezha?
Iru Kannai Katti Oru Kaattukkuley
Ennai Vittaaye Engey Sella?
Aan Nenjam Eppodhum Oru Oomai Thaanadi
Adhu Theruvin Oram Niruthivaikkum
Pazhudhaana Theradi
Uyirile En Uyirile Uraindhaval Neeyadi
Unakkena Vaazhgiren Naanadi

i dunno how to label my feelings for this song.

adioz.

salman rushdie

2008-03-17T23:19:00.003+08:00

the sem is at its last bit. loadsa things to catch up with n with life now at its busiest phase, i wun be too wrong to say that many things suffer - health, relationships, quality of sch work, slp, etc. oh well. no pain, no gain.

random thoughts...

how many senior citizens actually know tht the green seats in the SBS buses are actually meant for them? do they know its a lot more secured with its heavy base, and priority goes to them if they see an able-bodies commuter seated there?

oh oh. i think i have an issue with drunk ppl. last sat i ended up at o bar totally unprepared ( oh well i was not even dressed for it). one of my nephews who turned 21 that nite went there. maybe it was the whole bday bash, our dear fren ended up getting drunk. and my bro got high at the end of the nite. its simply annoying. i mean y lose ur chance to have fun by vomitting on ur frens and using the streets as ur one-hour 'hotel' rendezvous? PA-LEASE. pisses me off major. its not that getting drunk is bad or anyth. but dun do it all the time. or at least pls take care of urself.

talking of bday, mine was the usual bad thing.but more den that, i had always thought that august had the most bdays for me. looks like march is coming up to it. we'll just see.

march babies
1 gowri akka
2 razia, vicky, xian wei
7 sabrina
9 jayshree (oh yes, tts me), uma, banu
10 bavanni
11 dinesh, aishwini
17 mrs.nelson
18 murugesh
21 devi
24 aggie akka
31 bashirah

august babies

2 venket
5 vani
7 vishnu
9 singapore, sandra
12 jayanthi akka
15 india
16 haresh's mum
21 amma
24 akka, hema, anil
25 praba, sathiya, niva
27 vimala
28 thiviya, sharmini
31 malaysia

aaagh. i lazy to count liao. u count n tell me who is more. oh btw if i had left out anyone, dun kill me hor.

oh i have been reading Salman Rushdie's Fury for sometime. there are sum really nice words that i gotta let yall know.

pg 11

Othello does not love Desdemona... He says he does, but it cant be true. Because if he loves her, the murder makes no sense. For me, Desdemona is Othello's trophy wife, his most valuable and status-giving possession... He loves that about her but not her... Desdemona's death is an 'honour-killing'.

pg 51

we were our stories, and when we dies, if we were very lucky, our immortality would be in another such tale.

pg 58

She had learned how to twist and thicken the plot. As a practising Catholic, she initially announced that she wouldn't sue Rhinehart for divorce even though he was the devil in disguise. The devil, she explained to her attorneys, was short, white, wore a green frock coat, a pigtail, and high-heeled slippers, and strongly resembled the philosopher Immanuel Kant... "My revenge on Satan," she told the bemused lawyers, "will be to keep him the prisoner of my ring."

woa.

pg 66

Though words can become deeds. If said in the right place and at the right time, they can move mountains and change the world. Also, uh-huh, not knowing what you're doing - separating deeds from the words that define them- was apparently becoming an acceptable excuse. To say, "i didn't mean it" was to erase meaning from your misdeeds, at least...

hmmm. now that is sum food for thought.

adioz.

P/S: to that soul who is tagging anonymously at my tag board as admirer, i hope u would stop it pretty soon. i dun quite appreciate it. thanks.

girls

2008-03-01T03:48:00.002+08:00

i got this off an email. i thought it was pretty true.

this is really sweet...

> > When a Girl is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind.

> > When a Girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.

> > When a Girl looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.

> > When a Girl answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at allfine.

> >When a Girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.

> > When a Girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

> > When a Girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.

> > When a Girl says ' I love you ' ... she means it.

> > When a Girl says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.

> > Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person

....

> > Find a Guy . who calls you beautiful instead of hot. who calls you back when you hang up on him.

> > who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who ...

> >> > kisses your forehead.

> > Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who

> > holds your hand in front of his friends.

> > Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

adioz.

its been 25 days!

2008-02-29T00:59:00.002+08:00

its been 25 days since i last blogged. gawd.
well ntg new, sch and its assignments. tests. oh well. week break is of no use. just the usual. tuition. less focus.

i am borrrreeeddd. bored of the order tho it is so very necessary. the lack of time cos of the busy schedule. aaargh. its getting into my head. but i am loving it anyway

i am thinking lately.

alot.

some things just dun change.

and let me tell u another thing.

shree will not.

adioz.

forgetting the past?

2008-02-03T13:57:00.000+08:00

maybe i was just wrong abt growing pains just pertaining to kids alone. looks like it has struck me too.

after certain things have happened in my life, i now know that one can believe wrongly and completely be made to believe somethings whic are not entirely true.

growing up while reliving the past at every other minute of ur life is not exactly growing up. Knowing quite my tendencies of not letting go of my past and holding onto them does not quite make me a very happy person. Right from my childhood pillow which i am still keeping to every minute detail of appa's funeral, from my pre-teen friends i still long to talk to to getting fed by amma and my teenage love;
nothing quite seemed to have moved on.

this does not make me a grown person and even so literally haha. and when PMS returns all goes haywire again. this is so damn sucky i muz admit.

i have learnt quite a bit these past two days. That people change and i muz accept it. No matter how much free time requires me to think and be happy about the supposed better past, it actually makes no sense. Btw, i wonder why i get all these reflective moments but dun have the strength to do anything proper abt it!

My entire vision of who i aim and will probably end up to be is not quite different from many. A good-paying job, a house of my own, at least two degrees in hand blah blah blah. But there is one aspect that is definitely gonna b different.

*****

Some dear of mine had asked me why i had not blogged abt me getting scolded on monday. well for the pleasure of u Vita, let me embarass myself!!

well amma had wanted me to get up early on monday morn because of her morn chores- fetching keertan from sch , gg to the market and cooking lunch etc. i also had had sch at 12. but the lazy me had woken up so late that mum's efficiency was halted and she cld not quite do many things ( well for some reasons.) i got SCOLDING from her later. well yes i did. cos after i woke up i rushed to iron my clothes and wat not. amma was just infuriated.

oh well. i am still sucha a baby anyway :P

இச்சை கொண்ட பொருளெல்லாம் இழந்துவிட்ட போதிலும்
அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்பதில்லையே

*****
the truth that is not longer true.

adioz.

Repercussions it is called.

2008-01-28T12:15:00.000+08:00

Repercussions it is called.

Today in the shower, I stood there, teary-eyed and the cold water trickled down from my head. I wanted this so badly I know. Prayed everyday for it. Cried in the nights. Stayed fearful for the subsequent days that were to come by. And now when the breeze started flowing my way... everything vanished together with it...

So lets just see. The dreams are coming back? Those tears too? Fears? Prayers for sumone who din care?

The psychotic effect? Suicidal attempts? Lies outta fear?
So I am supposed to let go? And say yes. And ruin all that I have planned and promised myself this year.

Wat abt getting ready to do things in solitude? Wat abt psyching up oneself to be ready to see life ahead as a challenge that needs to be taken up alone and without anyone’s interference?

Do memories have forms? If only they had, I wld have burnt them completely. And washed the ashes in the sea. But memories are stubborn. Just like me. Annoying like u. Persistent like problems. And as each one makes its appearance in my mind, I take them fondly and mother them...feeding them with pain and carrying them in my heart... just like I did to u once. But like how all of that stopped, these have to stop too... right?

When I stepped out of my shower, I was silently wishing to see a sms from u in my phone, which I had thot was kept in the room while I was bathing. Thats when I realised that the enadhuyire song that had been playing throughout my hr-long shower was actually playing from my cyber-shot.

See this is wat I told u. U fucking drive me nuts.

2008-01-27T11:40:00.000+08:00

its been so long since i blogged- once again. got loadsa things to let out. this blog nvr fails to be my outlet and catharsis and i m glad it is. i aint gonna make another announcement to tell big mouths to shut up and stop gossipping abt this blog.cos hell i dun care anymore if anyone should fail to shut their shit-filled gap.

1. growing pains.
so the new academic yr started for many. seeing my nephew start his 2nd yr in primary school, i wonder if i went thru such growing pains. haha. he loves school. but i feel he has so much to learn. assessmennt and tuition. i rmbr not having tuition till sec sch and nvr really had to study everyday afta sch. even the day b4 PSLE, i was watching PCK private limited! wahaha.

2.my first day of this sem
trust me i was one happy kid. haha. i simply cun wait to get back to school and start my nonsense. but of cos, i still have not started my revision for all the work that has been done in two weeks. sighz.

3.jack of all trades; master of none
listening to girish sir tells me sumth that i can nvr quite adhere to... he chooses to focus and excel in one - his dance. thats his passion and almost everything or rather the only thing he has. but he is excellent in it. i am just quite the total opposite.i put my feet into everything i wanna try. salsa, yoga, dance, singing, studying blah blah blah. and i like em all of cos. but i cannot exist without being myself and neither can girish be putting his feet into everything. the passion differs and neither is one lower than the other nor more supreme. its another perspective and oddly, the bizzare walks of life many stray into.

4.solitude
i am adamant of the fact that i know myself far better than anyone else. and this my reflective nature can attest to. i suddenly once told jaish that the more friends one has in life, there is a greater possibility for one to stray away from their goals and aims in life. my opinion of this is simple. u tend to spend more time with them, and for sumone like me, i surely wld try to. and if u wanna be persnickety abt being goal-driven,u choose to neglect unnecessary trouble and relationships which ultimately try to invade into ur time and life's balance. so the best way is to keep limits and focus. Even Dr.Black agreed. its time to turn dreams into reality.

5.odd

its odd how life plays with u. i am utterly shocked at my life's progresses and events so far this yr. one thing, retribution surely plays its role too well and do i even need to speak of karma. furthermore, it is appalling to see returning relationships- old friends and memories... its definitely nice to stay by and ask to be rooted and soaked in them once again. but hell, the whole world moves on and if u dun, u wld be left behind! maybe its the age to struggle btw teenagehood and adulthood. just like according to the author of The Little Prince, to be an undesired adult or a simple child. hmmm. i chose to re-read this book after 6 yrs. and it definitely opens my eyes. (though i still think he lied that its a book for kids, cos i feel its a total satire of adulthood)

btw, pertaining to whateva happened ysty night and today morn, i just think that sum ppl just deserve it.

நல்ல முத்துச் சுடர் போலே நிலாவொளி முன்பு வரவேணும் - அங்குக்
கத்தும் குயிலோசை சற்றே வந்து காதிற் படவேணும் - என்றன்
சித்தம் மகிழ்ந்திடவே நன்றாய் இளந்தென்றல் வரவேணும்

adioz.

the new year is here

2008-01-07T01:46:00.000+08:00

the year has started. workload is piling. i think i am one wierdo. cos having no work to do can drive me crazy. as much as i tell my friends i wanna be a housewife much much later in my life, i know i wun be. hahaha.

sch is gonna start! yey! was sick the past four days. damn. i lost my voice one night. hell. i was croaking la!! btw i am planning a new lit portfolio. gotta get it all started. tt is gonna take me such a long time to get it completely done.

been listening to sum old sch music the past week. kills me. btw i think naresh iyer's voice is friggin' nice in mayilirage. waaa i will marry anyone who can sing exactly like him!!

its 2 am and i m sooo slpy. but i wanna stay awake so that i can watch this 80s movie at 3am. i have relief in the morn so i am prob gonna drag my feet to sch and tuition after that w/o an inch of sleep. but hell, such chinna chinna aasaigal make up life.

talking about life, i get reminded of death. today i had to attend 3 funerals, outta which i only attended 2. two were my distant uncles and one was my Jak's grandma; makkal i used to call her. sighz. i personally hate to attend funerals. dunno y. one of my aunts was actually telling me abt how she makes sure that she attends all the funerals she has to.cos according to her it is very impt that she pays her last respects. i dun have a problem with that of cos; just that i hate the very ritual of sending off a person, and sending off sumone is definitely a sad affair, which i obviously dun wish to face.

next, i aint a big fan of vijay anytime. but this video below definitely gets me awed by his infallible dance talent. i think asin did a fabulous job as well. i guess wat attracts me the most to this clip is the chemistry shared btw the two stars. and of cos, the song itself too.

adioz.

new yr

2008-01-01T14:48:00.000+08:00

yey the new yr is here!!

to all, have a gr8 yr ahead!cant wait fr sch to start so that i can go back to all that studying and working hard!

adioz.

awaiting 2008

2007-12-31T02:16:00.000+08:00

hmmm. i am super tired after work. but i wanna tire myself out even more so that i dun dream. cos everytim i dream, i get nightmares. of u. promise.
i have pushed u far away. yet u bug the fuck outta me. i hate this. and i guess it wun take me long to go down the hate-road towards u.

i am eagerly awaiting 2008. i have so many thing to do and i just pray all will materialise. yupz. sch, work, dance, paatu, and wat not - enuff to keep mt occupied, outta danger and a single bird. frankly i dun wan any responsibilities to tie me down. except for all that i have to serve my family, i guess i take no liabilty in anyone else's life anymore.

btw i am feeling gd. and a lot lot better. its been lovely 'waking' up after shit six months and its even more lovely to wake up in the afternoons! (mum i hope u understand this). damn i am nvr a morn person. if only the day begin at 12 p.m.

well well shree better go now. and i rmbr my four new yr resolutions.

1. W*****
2. S*****
3. M****
4. better grades

adioz.

if u were dead, we wun haf to pay this much

2007-12-29T01:42:00.000+08:00

i'm back. like only half an hr ago. quickly took my shower and i seriously wanna blog. need this outlet badly.

i am feeling so fucked up. the trip to Cameroon was ok. ntg fantastic there honestly. the weather was chilly. and i loved to slp thr. din quite shop also.

there was a traffic jam on the way back. i seriously wanted to blog so much. but wateva that happened mins ago has made me chock. CB.

looks like the only way to live life is to live for urself. i guess its enough. if after this i still dun wake up to reality, then my downfall is entirely up to me.

everything is climbing up my head. enough if enough.

have some pride gal. respect urself.

else look into the mirror and spit at ur face.

holiday

2007-12-24T19:51:00.000+08:00

hey peeps.

i am away on a holiday from xmas nite till coming sat morn.

so pls do not contact me on my hp yeah.do not wish to bring it along with me.

Merry Merry Xmas to one and all.

Huggies.

adioz.

fab msged me

2007-12-22T21:45:00.000+08:00

a lil' surprise came my way today.
unexpected but well, i held it in my heart special. and this just means more hurt is on its way.

well, i was watching this dance show today, on sun tv. well u guys know wat it is. there were so many cock-ups in that show la. alamak. and u know, sum stuff were just totally unfair. like they played tamil songs for the mauritius team who obviously had no idea wat song they were dancing for. singapore did gd n i m proud of u guys! after hady mirza n all tht fame for my motherland is making me one arrogant citizen!

well the headache is getting me so irritated but hell, i cant do anyth abt it!

haha well bala,praba,miru,and hema are here and we are all gonna sit down and slack!!

adioz.

grounded. and it sucks

2007-12-22T15:34:00.000+08:00

i am grounded and it sucks. i m feeling so fucked up. altho i am super broke, i din even ask them for money. and the best part is everyone is gg out.

i hate this.

in btw smth that made me smile.
esp the last part.

and i feel like doing the same thing to u.

i fucking need to let my devil scream.

aaaaaaaaargh.

i rmbr i rmbr

2007-12-20T18:16:00.000+08:00

my 100th post
dedicated to u.

i rmbr i rmbr...

i rmbr i rmbr everything that had happened btw us
i rmbr i rmbr all those times i fed u
i rmbr i rmbr the time u fought with me cos i din feed u
i rmbr i rmbr the days we drove up to the beach and ate breakfast in the car waiting for our workdays to start
i rmbr i rmbr u used to fetch me after temple and not start driving till i smear the holy ash on ur forehead
i rmbr i rmbr the times u stole away from ur camp just to fetch me and meet up for lunch
i rmbr i rmbr the day u locked me outta ur room just cos u were angry
i rmbr i rmbr the sms u sent me saying that i'd make a fantastic wife and u wanted to start a family with me
i rmbr i rmbr the time u fought with me in the morn and surprised me minutes later in the train
i rmbr i rmbr u brought me to ur friend's death anniversary prayers but left me in the car crying after a fight cos u din want to explain to ur friends who i was
i rmbr i rmbr u saying tat i was an embarassment to u cos i had put on weight
i rmbr i rmbr watching u sleep all those hours and how u'll wake up smiling cos u were jus happy to see me there watching u sleep
i rmbr i rmbr i surprised u one morn by appearing at ur doorstep and u were grinning ear-to-ear
i rmbr i rmbr u wetting ur hair again after u had forgetfully dried it after ur shower cos u wanted me to dry it for u
i rmbr i rmbr u complaining on the phone in the wee hours saying that u cun cycle/climb/swim and all that extreme sports with me
i rmbr i rmbr u saying that there were many out there for u and u just had to choose whoever u wanted but u chose to do me a favour by being with me
i rmbr i rmbr u said that ur parents were gg to be surprised upon seeing me cos i was not that model/tall/super hot gf like ur ex-gfs.
i rmbr i rmbr u refusing to answer my calls and made me wait under ur block for two hrs b4 the day u went to KL and the next day u msged me saying that u were upset i din meet u
i rmbr i rmbr u deleted the 1000-over smses we had sent each other in the 1st mth n u kept the nasty ones so that u will rmbr those harsh moments
i rmbr i rmbr the way u fully trusted me and nvr suspected/questioned me
i rmbr i rmbr u telling me that u rather die den to lose me. yes i still have that sms
i rmbr i rmbr u saying that u will love me from wherever u are should u only have 15 mins to live. have that sms too
i rmbr i rmbr u writing to me from ur course, saying every other day u wished u were back in my arms
i rmbr i rmbr how u,annoyed, called me a chatterbox and 'apparently had a lot to say' after not talking to u for a month
i rmbr i rmbr u following me to Hindi class and the subsequent ones u went for was cos u had to go and it was no longer for shree cos she was already urs
i rmbr i rmbr for one of the hindi classes u decided to be really sweet and came right after my class ended just to send me back home altho u din go for it
i rmbr i rmbr i came smiling up to ur room the first time ur dad spoke to me - and that was almost after a mth i knew them
i rmbr i rmbr u scolded me late one night just cos i asked u to go out with me tt wkend
i rmbr i rmbr u did not call me after u returned from ur one and a half month course and made me cry the whole nite and u refused to answer my calls and lied to me the next day that u did msg me
i rmbr i rmbr the day u left for ur course ur parents and sister were speaking to me abt how much they loved ur ex gf who cheated on u and ran away.
i rmbr i rmbr the day ur dad scolded me on the fone cos i wanted to see ur mum n clean ur room and told me not to go to ur place... all after u left
i rmbr i rmbr the front-row yogi-b concert tickets u bought for me n i thoroughly enjoyed the show while missing u badly cos u cun make it
i rmbr i rmbr u told me u completely had no time for me but u had time to update ur facebook/friendster and wat not.
i rmbr i rmbr u told my bro first that u had gotten ur ranger badge when i had prayed for u and ur safety all the days u were at ur course and i had to find out tt u passed thru him
i rmbr i rmbr u dropped me off at a busstop near ur granny's place cos u wanted to end it all and later came back to fetch me
i rmbr i rmbr we fought on the streets at tampines just cos my friend passed u food in a container u din like, which had totally ntg to do with me and later to make it up to me, u brought me to Delifrance and bought me my favourite bread pudding.
i rmbr i rmbr all the sinful desserts we indulged in and the gulab jamun moments which i swear i will nvr forget
i rmbr i rmbr u waking me up at 3.45am to tell me u ended work and indirectly told me u wanted to meet me by saying u had ntg to do. and u waited at my door.tt nite u took back ur clothes that i had kept with me throughout the period u were away and u were angry tt i had not washed them - cos i smelled them day and nite and even cried over them cos i had missed u.
i rmbr i rmbr the day u told me i was too dependent on u and that u were moving on
i rmbr i rmbr i saw myself weak on the chair and my chest all tightening cos i cld not accept the rejection and i started to beg u till u refused to reply to my msges
i rmbr i rmbr i called up my friends for help and they called me a weakling
i rmbr i rmbr i gave myself just two mins to end the two-month wait for u and snap myself outta this dangerous game

there is a lot more i rmbr i rmbr my dear heart.
i fatefully and faithfully walk down memory lane every other day.
and as the heart refuses to forget and ache for u,
i just choose to move ahead forcefully.

i am half-hearted abt turning back the clock tho.
i just wish that one day for jus one moment... u will turn back and...

maybe smile abt wat had happened...

a rollercoaster ride it was.

adioz.

lesson learnt. fabian is over.

2007-12-16T13:07:00.000+08:00

i apologise that my blog has been dormant for a long time. i had a restriction on it, as i supposedly revealed too much. now that the restriction is off, shree is free to express her thoughts.

and yes that means that i will swear to myself that truth eventually knocks down ur door to let u know that its u i am blogging abt today. and even if it hurts ur eyes to see it all, too bad. badmouth me all u wan. its my life. and mine to decide.

well the past six months has taught me lessons. firstly, dun let dogs enter an open house. next, if u have plans to do smth, do it! thirdly, when sumone makes u feel super dooper low abt urself, forget it. just walk out.

when i mean plans, i shd be in india now, studying since July, Loyola college. but hell.

point is, i nvr saw myself so low. and weak. it was depressing. every min of it. yes it takes two hands to clap. but when u realise its ur mistake, and try to rectify it, and the other party isn't willing, screw it. i kept thinking of effort. of promises made. of making a difference. bt i was thinking wrong. completely.

depression. din help. and it screwed me up even badly. and sumone just comes up to u and says, "snap outta it" , " u have a prob and tts not my prob" (or along those lines) like wat the fuck? u said i was an embarrassment. problematic. emo. unstable. yet u ate off my hands. but u know wat, i wun forget all tt happened. very positively. i rmbr everyth tt happened. and its all here to stay. i am still happy it all did work... at least it did.

looking back, i guess i knew it all along. just tt i was stubborn. i mean who all warned me. who all said no. how many times did i fight just cos i was stubborn? and even den, i held on. held on. just cos i believed. wrongly tt is. but i am this way with anth/anyone else. just wanna be stubborn. and wanna hold on.

status quo now is - i have decided to let it all go. n nvr turn back. its soooo scary. i nvr have been afraid like this b4. all that happened. sighz. lessons learnt. and its funny. all it takes is the mind. to do it all for myself. no longer for anyone else.

call me selfish. yes stubborn. i just believe in fighting and gg to extremes to get wat i want. i suppose that is my weakness and strength after all. one person in my life is not gonna determine who i am. who the fuck are u to judge?

and of cos i play a major major role in all that mess in my life. i accept it all. i did it to myself and got it all for myself. i liked it. loved it. but it was not meant for me. and God, u pulled me thru wat i thought i nvr cld go thru.

so u r still in my prayers. and so are u, u and u. and all that stupid excuses i need not hear anymore. cos i know the moment u said u are moving on, i saw it. i was the loser, and i admit it humbly.

i aint gonna call u names. no bastard. no SOB. ntg. chey such words wun come out. and so will the 'na' , 'bhuddha' , 'bee' and 'old man'. nope. all gone. with the wind.

this has been a huge ego hit now tat i think abt it. but to think i lost it to the one i truly loved at that time seems all okay. we have seen worse. and i just believe that there is definitely a reason. all i await now is the yr to end; to start afresh and to learn from all the mess u and i did in our lives.

regrets? yes and no. i am lucky i tell u. i almost made a big mistake. there is no room for turning back. and altho i begged till the last second to hold on (like literally), maybe its just good u din agree. thanks.

nw i wanna see u walk down that road all by urself and i will be right here behind u. right here behind u. watching. silently. just doing that n ntg else.

like how one of my frens once said,

one day when u wake up and realise that u need me, i will wake up beside sumone who already knew.

i aint sad. well no longer. i am gd. and strong. u saw too much of that weakened shree. that lady who disintegrated infront of u. nah. cannot la mike. and funny how i went back to sumone else to sort out my feelings. and i need to. i feel better. its my right to be.

and so the flame has been ignited again.( not to burn u like how once u feared wahahaha) and like how i din wan it at all den, and u made ur way thru my life, i aint gonna allow all that anymore with anyone else. till i fully see myself ready, den i will allow my life n love to be one all over again.

on a lighter note, shree has gotten rid of that one burden. all free.wahahaha

and like how i always do, i hate to mention names. no one is eva gonna know who this person is. but i am sorry if u catch me serving slumberland... and u hear me say,
"oh, Fabian..."

ooopz.

here's Shree for u.

Woman by birth; Bitch by choice.

adioz.

ACJC

2007-12-07T12:59:00.001+08:00

To everyone who went to ACJC at least once in their lives.
♥

You know you're from ACJC when..

- You have the hottest guys/girls in town
- Almost half of your friends speak Chinese worse than AngMo
- You have to deal with such a thing called "swim pe"
- Your pants is hanging on to your butt like it's holding on to dear life
- Your skirt is a mini-skirt... Plus your shirt is never tucked in but you pretend it is
- It takes you 18 years to realize the majority listen to Chinese music
- From time to time you get a sense that any good address should end with the phrase "The Best is Yet to Be"
- You and your friends go crazy when a turtle car scoots into view.
- You have a principal say "DONCH" all the time.... Lim H.... S...n.
- You start running out of class once your friends start singing "Happy Birthday", then you find yourself in the pool naked after they catch you
- You feel like telling Gurmit to shove the $10 (fine for stepping on the track) up his ass.
- You think Jimmy Tong is a hero.
- Potential councilors campaign by promising to ensure that there will be a constant supply of toilet paper in the girl’s toilet
- You HAVE to alter your skirt, or you're not cool and people laugh at you.
- When other people give you funny looks when you say the coolest place is the void deck.
- You call the stands, the bleachers.
- When u ignore the rumors about the western stall auntie refrying her soggy fries in yesterdays' already black oil and queue up anyway cause its the shortest queue in the canteen.
- You understand what's Wan Way and Lenn Way's Link
- You meet your friends at the Smiley to go to Holland V for Haagen-Dazs
- you don't have to retake Chinese even if you got less than A2
- I can ask you if she's really the RJC prom queen and you know exactly who I'm talking about
- When you rejoice and jump up and down in LT4 after receiving a C6 for Chinese, shouting "thank you Lord!" and see people running towards you with congratulatory hugs
- When you start lining up for the free parent-cooked/ Mrs.Tan-cooked dinners at 5.30 during exam periods
- Red, Blue and Gold start becoming your favourite colors
- When you actually miss chapel, and When you actually expect to hear Majulah Singapura every morning in perfect acapella harmony.
- No, it's not a $10 fine for walking on the track anymore. by (2003/2004) it was RUN TEN ROUNDS around the track. A group of guys from my batch actually had to, in full school uniform.
- When you just have to study in school during exams even though it's damn noisy and you have to shove your iPod into your ears all the time.
- You think that your school uniform is cooler with the shirt than the yellow PE T-shirt.
- You know that "mass pe" is just a cover for "mass suicide".
- You know the "ham-sum" joke.
- You know you're from ACJC when you hear "Mass PE" and cower in fear ;)
- When u don't bat an eyelid when people call you snob or rich kid...
- When you think a 4-minute cab ride to Holland Village is perfectly acceptable and commonly practised!
- You have climbed down the side of the school near the canteen, through the fence behind the tennis courts or conned the guard with fake mc 'cause you're late
- You never wish to trade your time there for anything else! You shudder to think that you could have been at any other junior college!
- When you clamour for all the school-based shirts (the AC shirt, the polo, the house shirts, the CCA shirts) but they're all sold out way too fast. :(
- You leave a mountain of Hacks sweet wrappers at the back of every Lecture Theatre you enter..
- You know where the Champions Table is
- When its the best 3 years of your life...
- You wanted a pink slip to zhao class... or was it the blue slip?
- You just can't stop drinking Milo!
- You have to take GP tests after being given tonnes of newspaper articles to read and mug... though we had often made use of "peer marking" to help ourselves to pass w/o reading a single shread of news.
- We have our prelims scheduled extremely early compared to the rest of the other JCs.. AUGUST?!?!
- You have to hide/run away from Bangla workers instead of teachers in an attempt to 'pontang' school
- You're in town with your classmates "selling FUN-O-RAMA tickets in our secondary schools"
- You don't mind being seen in Orchard Road with your school uniform - its the coolest in Singapore after all.
- The words "Raffles", "RJ", "RI", or anything of the sort, are either preceded, or followed, (or even both), by several expletives in a variety of languages and dialects.
- You start your morning with the words "Mari kita, 1, 2 sing..."
- You remember the school dogs named "Milo, Horlicks, Teh, Kopi, Cookies & Cream".. Heard that they got cooked and eaten by the Bangladesh workers????? :(
- Your English Literature teacher makes you and the whole class scream "PENNNNNNNNISSSSSS" at the top of your voice (Volpone)
- You enter through the front gate, wave a merry goodbye to doting parents, and scoot out of the back gate on your way to bum at Orchard the likes. Lessons, assembly etc all bypassed (applies to the pre-renovated building batch)
- You find that you own more than one of the following ACJC apparel or accessories: T-shirt, windbreaker, sweater, socks, towel, file, pencil, post-it notes, car windscreen shades, umbrella, (the list goes on...)
- You’re always hounded by current students to purchase Fun-O-Rama tickets; and then spend them on the previously mentioned items above...
- When you call the short bearded cleaner MARIO, and the Security Guard SADDAM.
- B-efore Saddam, the previous Security Guard was called LUIGI.
- You know that a SCone is not a fruitcake
- When the name Goh Tiong Gee (sp?) rings a bell...
- You're actually proud of your uniform (esp in comparison to some who had to wear green flaire skirts even in JC)
- When you know where the hocks, ruggers, swimmers and other cca tables are.
- When you understand what the word "candeck" means.
- When you certainly don't drive Mers on a lease

courtesy of Facebook group ACJC

divine intervention

2007-11-25T02:14:00.000+08:00

After so many years, i took my Holy Bible and went to the Psalms section, and prayed.

Prayed hard. Begged.

It seems that only immediate divine intervention would help me.

Else, i have smth up my sleeve that would make me regret and regret every single moment of life in future.

Please.
.
.
.
.
.
adioz.

the tears this nite

2007-11-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

the tears came this nite. kept away from it for almost three wks but it returned. and tt too when i was trying to slp.

my biological clock has been upset. i now slp in the day and stay up all nite, usually in sch, to study. the number of productive hrs is another issue altogether.

am counting down. 10 more days b4 i make my way to india. cant wait.

i seriously wanna slp now. but i fucking cant. i am so angry with myself.

eva since i got wet in the rain, i know i am gonna fall sick. but i am controlling it so much. n today as i lay in bed, the usual baby-me came out as i felt so feverish. the shree to be damn maanja and attn seeking. sighz. i wonder if i will grow out of it.

i think we smtimes just cannot move away from ppl who are sooo annoying. sum just test u to see if we care for them. sum use means and ways to seek ur attn, and altho failing terribly, they still do it, thru underhand means. sum r even better. they expect u to beg. n to show tt u care. and show tt u r there. but refuse to reciprocate. stubborn. another category is when u urself dun bother, have no time for them and when u get all guilty and apologise, they act oblivious like as tho they din curse u behind ur back. in these four classifications - u r in one of it. dun bother doubting that.

the skepticality of simple life, of mere existence and of sheer pleasure has become such a common feature of uncommon reality-checks. and when doubts get planted, confidence just shatters and fear of failure settles in.

just a little note to u.
no matter hw skeptical u have been; and unwilling as well, let me assure u smth. there have been a million doubts planted here as well. there is a huge fear of failure in me too. but putting that at the back of my head, i am moving forth. with hope and more hope. cos i believe and believe. and will live to see my dreams come true. and will not let u down in the due process, but strive to prove what i have promised u. i dun give up easily. strong-headed. u know it as much.

well so, my lids are slightly heavy now. drowsy. eyes are closing. lids wanting to hug each other. i shan interfere. wanna hit the couch. only way to wake up to study later. i have u to accompany me thru my dreams. and my lil baby pillow to give me that security. sounds perfect.

one last note.

to that F annoying swine who has tried to screw my tagboard to be as ugly as ur fuggly ass, dun bother anymore.

ur IP has been tracked.

adioz.

substitutes

2007-11-23T14:31:00.000+08:00

i keep finding substitutes to feel in the voids in my life.

Justified?

after ps tut.infront of thiv

2007-11-20T17:37:00.000+08:00

shree.is.in.sch.

smth is disturbing me.i dun quite know wad is it.
i jus hope its the high sugar content of red bull ysdty nite that is giving me this uncanny feeling. sum sorta trepidiation. well i did read abt heart palpitation as an effect of energy drinks. its taking its effect after 3 cans, of all days today.

am listening to ' அக்னி குன்சொன்று கண்டேன் ', composed by bharathi, sung by bombay jayashree. superb.
sumone pls explain to me abt my lil love affair with subramania bharathiar. smth abt him. makes me happy. smth abt his death (he was only 38). makes me wanna cry. smth abt his life. makes me sad. smth abt his supposed 'madness'. makes me excited. smth abt chellama. makes me jealous. smth abt ' அச்சமில்லை '. makes me strong. smth abt ' யாமறிந்த மொழிகளிலே '. makes me feel smarter. smth abt ' சுட்டும் விழி '.makes me fall in love. smth abt ' விட்டு விடுதலையாகி '.makes me feel free.

wanna fly and fly.

என் வசம் இரண்டடுக்கு ஆகாயம்...

just finished PS tutorial. sighs. i dunno if i am clearer or more blur. i am so vexed. and its awful knowing tt u have more to study when u just thought u had finished studying. aaaaaaarggh. i was itching so badly in the lecture theatre that i thought i wld scratch my skin apart. even my ears were itching! dammit. and i seriously have no idea what my sudden allergy to is. maybe its u.

i am feeling so bloody cold. sighs. i so need to be manjaa-ed. a bit the obvious. and i am such baby. but i guess its all abt the exams. when u wanna torture urself by studying so much and with such extreme actions (like how i cabbed home at four after studying my ass off in sch) and u just wanna be pampered all that fall out moments in btw. sighs. O levels were the easiest. After A's (which was a yr back dammit) uni exams just make it very clear to u that 24 hrs is insufficient and any amt of work u do is deemed inadequate. thr is no end to wat u can study. the more u do, the better. talk abt syllabus.

i am wierd. and i feel wired. and thr is this lack of current flowing thru.

மாதர் தம்மை இழிவு செய்யும்
மடமை யைக்கொ ளுத்துவோம்;
வைய வாழ்வு தன்னில் எந்த
வகையி நும்ந் மக்குளே
தாதர் என்ற நிலைமை மாறி
ஆண்க ளோடு பெண்களும்
சரிநி கர்ச மான மாக
வாழ்வம் இந்த நாட்டிலே.

ஆம். வாழ்வோம் இந்த நாட்டிலும். வாழ்க மஹாகவி. வாழ்க மங்கையர் குளம்.

disturbed.

2007-11-18T22:41:00.000+08:00

disturbed.

i dun quite get it. first everything looks very positive. and it is encouraged. and den suddenly all the hype gets lost. and everyone starts discouraging you.

its enuff. seriously its enuff. i have had it enuff. i am angry. not so angry but yes i am. its a bitter feeling.

i hate how whatever i say gets ignored. smtimes those times seem a lot better. altho it was lonely, it was better. in my cocoon, i was myself. and i din have much to do i think. lesser contact with the outside world. it was me to myself and no one else. i regret. stepping out tis yr.

i wanna go. i wanna go where i wanna go. peace. peace. its peace i seek. and whatever i seek is what i have always wanted.

yes i am stubborn. i have always been. but i do try to reason out. i believe in trying. even if i fails, i am glad i tried. and that failure is another step to success. else how do i experience life? even if it means to lose a limb, let me do it. let me try. its all already written up there. who are u to change it all? or fear that i will fall? why? let me pls.

i jus suddenly realised that the transition from one reserved and sheltered soul to an open and 'a-bit-more-aware' soul has made me feel so uncomfortable. so bloody F uncomfortable.

perturbed.

leave me alone pls.

to YOU. thr is smth in me u have not quite seen. and its so sad hw u dun get a chance to. but time ago, i made a promise to myself. right in front of the mirror, str8 into my eyes. and tt promise to myself, and to u as well for the matter-of-fact, stays. and when i mean it stays, dun even try to slaughter me to break it. u'll fail. and fall. u'll fall at the feet of the strength of my promise.

இச்சகத்துளோர் எல்லாம் எதிர்த்து நின்ற போதிலும்
அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்பதில்லையே

adioz.

usp interview and movie with hema

2007-11-14T22:49:00.000+08:00

today was a funny day.

i had my USP interview at 5. luckily i was in sch cos i got called up earlier.
as usual, smth really wierd happened at the interview. haha u muz read this.

so i was greeted by Prof. Kang and Prof. Chrys. i hate to do this, but i have to else u wun understand the story fully. Prof. K is a chinese and Prof. C is an indian. k gg on, they had a bit of trouble pronouncing my name. So i told them how to. so suddenly, P.C(pardon me) goes, 'what's the meaning of ur name?' i told him that there was no direct translation and that 'jay' meant victory and 'shree' meant holy. [isn't it so?] then he goes on saying no and that only 'jaya' meant victory and not 'jay'. sighz. P.C and P.K soon went into a fit abt my name and i was just looking at them both. [now thats a super wierd thing to do at an interview!!!] and yupz. btw when i told this to my political science tutor, he went like, 'den wat abt "jai hind?"' well i din think abt that then. wasted.
next question was 'who is the indian cricket team's captain?'. i was shell-shocked okie. he later questioned my nationality and said that it was okie i din know, he even asked if my dad watches cricket!! hello. i know i am dying to go to yindia but hell, i am a true blue singaporean! luckily P.K came to my rescue n said that it was a rather wierd question to ask a local student.
and then he asked me, what was my race. i said indian. he said that indian was not a race. supposedly, there are only three races in the world. Caucasians, Mongolites and the Negros. P.C said that 'negros' is not a bad term cos its just referring to their colour. P.K was quick to add that it was actully referring to their hair and now they have accepted six more races into the list and was unsure if indian was one of them. He said he always filled in forms as 'others' and asked wat do i do. i said 'indian'. then he went,'No by looking at ur features, ur eyes and nose and all, u are caucasian'. RIGHT. okie.
so later he asked me, 'how many strands of hair do u have? how wld u gimme a rough estimate?' i was like ??????. yeah finaly after thinking and discussing with them, i just told him that i would grab a lil bunch since my hair is bunch-permed and counts the strands in it, den give an estimate abt the number of bunches. P.K. was nice enuf to say it was a satisfactory answer and P.C. nodded.

haha.well even if i dun get to the USP, this is one interview that i am gonna rmbr for a long time, just like the one at SMU. haha

so yupz later hema and i had an impromptu rendezvous. after much hassle in the train, we ended up watching Game Plan. pretty decent and funny. wahaha.

sighz. i am tired. but i guess all work and no play makes Jack the dull boy.

well at least it makes Shree the dull gal.

i am looking back. and i am so gonna grab this bit of the past that is hanging on. and den i know i will have no regrets. i cant wait and i will wait for that bit of the life that i have been missing. ntg tangible but smth i know will make me a better person.

adioz.

missing fab.home alone.studying.

2007-11-13T21:42:00.000+08:00

well well.

looks like some dimwits are there to annoy the hell outta me.
tho i do i have a rough idea who this mite be, i aint taking any chances.

so watch it. dun come questioning me why i aint got time for u. i mean if the hell ya so impt, gimme a ring and demand for time, or have guts enuff to state ur name. i will gladly oblige and answer u, if ya tt impt tt is.i am so pist man. if i am stuck on one particular person, well tts gd for me. and if i am stuck on schwork, hold and behold! even better. so WHAT IS UR DAMN PROBLEM??
screw off plz.

the past few days have been pretty productive is shd say. As Fab puts it, what other life-threatening issues have i got to settle other than to study? partially true eh. it makes me feel gd too. and yupz. i have been stuck on soya milk these past few days and a sudden craze for this old song.
yes its been pretty boring, hell but just 13 more days to my exams and 20 more days to the end of it all!
and yey!maybe to india after that... *whoooosh!*

btw i love the dance steps in machakaari song....aaah surya is so bloody hot. and watch him dance. haiz.

nenjukkul yethi kaladi satham ondru ketkirathey

little india.youtube

2007-11-13T01:51:00.000+08:00

today with almost everybody from amma's place, i went to little india for dinner and den to vivo for fun. it was good. and yupz. with the number of ppl telling me that i have put on weight, i was so conscious of wat i ate. and damn. i have lost weight quantitively but everybody thinks i have put on more weight. damn. i just think its the curls doing tt mean job. grrrr.

well anyway i am dying to watch Om Shanti Om. free anyone??? crap. with exams coming up, i feel like shopping, clubbing and watching movies. but yup. i suppose these will be my rewards for mugging my ass off. i promised myself its gonna be a two-way thing. and knowing the stubborn me, i will do it la. somebody control my temptations pls! haha.

so yupz. to all u NTU peeps, have gr8 fun with ur exam week.

btw, its really sweet that many of my old frens are suddenly getting back in contact.

surya looks bloody good in VEL.

i chanced upon this particular video on youtube which got me laughing my ass off. damn. its so stooopid i so cant take it. btw the name of the clip is tamil movie comedy (or smth along tt line)

k enuf of all tht random blogging.

gtg back to Plato's Republic.

uruvaakinaai athikaalaiyai
aagave nee yen vaazhvin mokshame...

adioz.

dream come true

2007-11-11T00:57:00.000+08:00

diwali came and went. just like that. it was a so-so thing. i guess i only can rmbr all the prep and housework that came along with it!!! and a little disappointment with fatigue too!

and so it was. fri was a day with wierd memories. and it looks like it is there to last. maybe. i woke up late and went down to sch. met thiv and did my work. wen to nuh to see an uncle and went back home. ntg special. back home, i was playing solitaire- much to the annoyance of thiv. but i knew for the reasons why i was playing it and i needed those reasons badly. as the night drew to an end, i thought abt father and cried quite a bit. den i went to bed. sulking away.

i thought of tis particular smth. closing the windows and getting ready to go to bed, i kept thinking of just one thing. and i made a silent wish. and i teared slightly as i made it. back in my room, i blasted my laptop with half the batt life and a special playlist was playing throughout the nite. i actually planned that my laptop shld die later on in the nite while i was aslp so that i din haf to wake up to switch it off. wanting to wake up early the next day as well, i put my phone on the loudest mode.

i held my pillow close to me. after mudhal mazhai, enadhuyire played. and akkam pakkam went on. i dozed off.

the next time i woke up, nenjinile was gg on in the backgrd. i grouchily went to my table and lowered the volume slightly. thinking of the little wish i had made, i smiled to myself and slowly drifted back to slumberland.

and then it happened. *go shorty, its ur bday...* my phone screamed with an incoming sms. *phoof* the next few smses and the two hrs after that...

it was all abt a wish that truly came true. much to my surprise.
with all that eagerness
with all that thunder and rain
with all that cold
and with all that mixed feelings

i rmbr i rmbr

the wish that came true.

thanks to u.

en vaasalil netru un vaasanai
nee nindra idam indru unarthean

its been four years dad

2007-11-10T01:16:00.000+08:00

i can still feel the pain

i can still rmbr ur face

i can still hear yr words

i can still feel the hug u nvr gave me at the airport

i can still rmbr the last song u sang to me

i can still hear the way u cough

i can still smell the smoke of ur cigarette

i can still see ur face on ur death bed

i can still rmbr that green sari over ur body

i can still rmbr the way they brought u away

i can still feel the pain of losing u that very day

the tears are so fresh yet stale
fresh as they flow from my eyes like they did four yrs ago
stale as they are always there for u crying for u

i miss u appa. its been four yrs.

and i still cant accept this loss.
i just can't.
dun ask me to.

for as long as Shree lives, this one wound will be there to last.

adioz.

the answers to my yesterdays

2007-11-05T17:21:00.000+08:00

three outta five down. sighs. two more essays due on friday!!! *bleagh.

well. i got an email from jaish. sumhow it seems like the answers to my yestrdays; and i like it. and here it is.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

hmmm. thats pretty much a bit eh? but i guess its true. whether reason, season of lifetime, we shd treasure all.

and u. i wish ya gonna be there for a lifetime. really

adioz.

in amma's place

2007-11-05T00:21:00.000+08:00

love makes and love breaks.

its funny how the intangible always take precedence in our lives.

well anyway,
i am in mum's place now. came for dad's prayers. the boys were such brats really. but cute. cute. cute.

i just wonder. why is it so easy for one to deviate from wat is to be done? its kinda silly and yet really sucky to know that u've just sidetracked and start pushing urself back on track.

it sucks. i have a philo essay due in 17 hrs and i have only prepared for it. gotta type it out and that means staying up the whole nite to do it. sighz. now ask me again why i am blogging?? i cant get my mind to start it. damn i am super tired.

this festive season is taking its toll on me. does not quite help that my mum is overly-enthu abt getting the house done. and i cant quite be too blase abt it right? and this only means by the time thurs comes, we all are dead-tired;fatigue-shot.

i have random thoughts running thru my head. and most of them is usually abt u. abt wat has happened. what is happening. and what is gg to happen. i m positive. and hopeful. every minute.

well life always takes shock trips and smtimes even unexpected short ones. to places whr we least expect to go to. and when our hearts takes a roadtrip, its bloody difficult to turn back. and to act as though u din go there in the first place is even more difficult. and yupz. and all that nonchalence and ignorance will get u no whr. but give u more and more heartache. and unpleasant stuff to face.

and so u see. being all ignorant and acting as though ur heart did not flutter is just being silly.

well enough of all these blogging. i gotta go back and screw my head with descartes.

விட்டு விடுதலையாகி நிற்பாய் இந்தச்
சிட்டுக் குருவியினைப் போலே

-mahakavi bharathiyaar

adioz

let me be.

2007-11-03T01:59:00.000+08:00

and so it was.

i went to the temple today. and prayed really hard.

i seem to know wat i really want. and i know that there is no guarantee that God will give u what u want just cos u pray hard. and its not as though i am such a divine soul. just pious. and God-fearing. and even this does not mean again that i always get what i want.

my point is. there is nothing guaranteed in life. anything that is urs now might be mine the next min; u just never know. wat may seem the world to u one sec may seem like ur feet's dust the very next. like how i was telling jaish that day, wat u deem good may not be good the next day and wat is good to u may not be good to me.

so does it mean anything to hold on to whatever we have now? why why such confusion? why are there changes? why is it that u must be all resilient to them? its not that i dun want to, i am just wondering why. Braba's MSN nick is abt change, and jaish i bet u understand this post better than me.

and change also means that u should not bank on anyth. and that also means that there is no sense of absoluteness in anything. and as such, why den do u have anything in the first place? if there is anything at all, den there is something. if there is something, den there is a sense of definition right?? so u will bank on it right? and that change as well?

i din mean to confuse anyone. this is my work for the next two days. its Rene Descartes. my philosophy essay. here's an excerpt.

"I will therefore suppose that all I see is illusion. I believe none of the things reported to me by lying memory ever happened. I have no senses at all. Body, shape, extension, movement and place are chimeras. What true thing is left? Perhaps just the one fact that nothing is certain.
But where do I get this knowledge that there is nothing else—nothing besides all these other things I have gone over- concerning which there cannot be the slightest grounds for doubt? Is there not a God—or whatever I may call him—who implants in me the thoughts I am now having? But why should I think so, since perhaps I myself may be the author of these thoughts? In that case am I not, at least, something? But I have just said that I have no senses and no body."

Descartes
Second Meditation

well i think philosophy is one helluva science. it gets me all confused yet clearer. if u were thinking i am one confused soul, well think again. perhaps u are one as well. but its all abt attaining that knowledge. we will always be confused. always be skeptical. but i guess its all abt the learning and the willingness.

and so here is shree. i am confused. yet i am willing to learn. even if it means to fall. and fall. and fall again. if i cant learn or refuse to, my life thus far would be meaningless. and so will the next moment be.

nah. i aint gonna let that happen.

adioz.

vaarthaiya ithu mounama
vaanavil verum saayama?

WHY MUST U SEE EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY LOVE?

2007-11-02T16:48:00.000+08:00

LISTEN ALL.

this is one post filled with frustration and annoyance. and yet too with a alot of worry and sighz.

this is my blog. Yeah its SHREE's. i welcome anyone at my blog. read all u want. think all u want. tag all u want. whether u like it or not, this is me. i have said earlier that this blog is a virtual testimony of my life.and its mine. with a lot of pride and arrogance. and its truly subjected to my wishes and moods.

and this blog is blogged with a lot of ambiguity. yes it is. accept it. there are many things that happen in our lives and with people. and i choose to do it all with just one word. YOU.

yeah so now PLEASE, if u guys think any of these posts ( esp. the angry ones) are abt u, pls. dun. u aren't the only thing in my life. there have been a lot of messes, smiles, gd and bad stuff.

so today, i got into trouble with the most dearest one in my life. sighz sighz. what a dilemma u put me into. it aches. yeah it does.

so plz. i appeal to all. it has happened many times b4. but as u get closer to me, it will just screw up things.many ppl go thru this. dun let this add on to the huge pile of mess i already have.

i am making my way to PP temple now. the place where many things start. and hopefully dun end. pls pls. gimme strength.

ithu enna ulagam endri theriyavillai.
vithigal varaimuraigal puriyavillai.
ithaya thesathil irangu pogaiyil, inba thunbam ethuvum illai.

adioz.

radio ad

2007-11-01T17:57:00.000+08:00

well. ystdy i burned midmorning oil to finish up my lit essays. that two outta four done. rest due on monday. gawd. nobody help me pls.

with three hrs of backrest ystdy nite, i am now awaiting my polit sci crash course to start. and i think my day in sch ends at ten.

i dunno whr life takes me to. but hell i do know that i refuse to be in a dilemmial state. my eyes are burning away and such fatigue is a contradiction to all that oversleeping these past 3 weeks. time i snap of my supposed depression yes.

and my mum just does not seem to understand. she asked me if i was celebrating deepavali cos of the supposed blase attitude i have been giving at home. well i refuse to clean up my room. no its cleaned out, yes i painted it green. but i refuse to tidy it. and i dun do the rest of the work at home. even better, i haven bought any new clothes for diwali and have been refusing every offer.
i aint got the mood. not for festive season. not to live life that way anymore. why muz i make myself feel happy that one day?

not without u.

and so. i plan to work hard. since i am almost deciding to stay put in NUS. i will be doin wateva i had planned in SMU. and yes. let me just pray it goes well.

this yr's much awaited india trip looks like a mirage to me now. i duno whether u guys know how badly i wanted to go for it, but hell. at the current stage, i am in no deciding state.

as the days draw closer to my sem exams, i just wanna let myself know. my thoughts make up my actions and i can control my thoughts. even if its just transient stoicness, i am in for it.

*yey! subway sandwich is coming my way later for my dinner. now for the mind-boggling two hrs of public policy and comparative politics.

i am starting to feel good again. i know i aint as strong. but i wld like to think so. let me be.

no matter whr life takes me to, a part of me will always be with u. - S Club 7.

adioz.

mohenjo-daro and harappa. wb yeats

2007-10-30T13:54:00.000+08:00

today i suddenly decided to research on smth. altho i have so much of shit work to do, i cun keep my hands off the google page and typing 'mohenjo-daro and harappa'.

yes we all know they have been wiped out. ancient indus valley civilisation.

i guess it hit me pretty hard. they r probably proto-dravidians or proto-sanskrit. sighs. this must be madness. they had more than 5 million people in mohenjo-daro b4 they were wiped out. fuck that is more than the population in singapore.

btw the reason y i decided to blog abt this was not cos i wanted to sound like another wikipedia. seriously smth so so unique caught my eye.

the dancing girl of mohenjo-daro.

when i first read the description abt the Dancing Girl, i cun quite understand the fuss.

The Dancing girl found in Mohenjo Daro is an interesting artifact that is some 4500-years old. The 10.8 cm long bronze statue of the dancing girl was found in 1926 from a house in Mohenjo Daro. She was British archaeologist Mortimer Wheeler's favorite statuette, as he said in this quote from a 1973 television program:

"There is her little Baluchi-style face with pouting lips and insolent look in the eye. She's about fifteen years old I should think, not more, but she stands there with bangles all the way up her arm and nothing else on. A girl perfectly, for the moment, perfectly confident of herself and the world. There's nothing like her, I think, in the world."

John Marshall, one of the excavators at Mohenjo-Daro, described her as a vivid impression of the young ... girl, her hand on her hip in a half-impudent posture, and legs slightly forward as she beats time to the music with her legs and feet.

courtesy of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohenjo-daro#Artifacts

still i cun quite picture it. so i googled-image tt thing.

seeing her one moment, i din feel anything.

"There's nothing like her, I think, in the world." kept ringing in my head...

so i did it. i stood like her. i imagined my salangai and bangles on me. just like her. dancing. stage. feel. inside out. heart-to heart.

*
*
*
*

i felt like her. i could feel it. the nonchalence. the beauty of dance in her hips. the arrogance of her youth in her face. all of it.

cloud nine. i tell u.
inexplicable.

dun ask me why. i just cant explain.its right deep within. like when smth so beautiful makes u feel just the way it is. larger than love. larger than what u think would have made u the happiest person on earth. non-materialistic. the intangible. the intangible that make u feel so worthless yet so complete.

which brings to me to my last nite task when i had to explain to Ryan Bhai why WB Yeats poem was so beautiful and my most favourite in the seven yrs i have been studying literature. i have nvr fallen so much in love with such writing b4. Ms Anne Victor of NYJC first gave me this poem on 14-02-2005. My V-day gift from the Lit department.

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven"
from the Collected Works of W.B. Yeats

to fall in love over and over again with art and literature is not smth everyone can do. not all of us are dreamers. u may not feel as much as me. but to be on a different intellectual level... apart from all the physicalities that make up this earth... the intangible, the appreciation and the analysis of the complexities of life, love and art is what i truly seek.

of the people i have met in my life... my friends , my dates, my families and who-not,
i have nvr quite met sumone sharing such insanity to such extremes with me...

tell me tell me if u know. we can dwell in the love of love, the life of life and the arts of art together...

and with all this, i truly feel for the lost civilisation. and shd i seek reincarnation, i wish to be the Dancing girl.

adioz.

enaduyire and mudhal mazhai

2007-10-29T16:24:00.000+08:00

today.i.feel.super.blocked.and.i.only.can.think.of.these.two.songs.to.reflect.my.mood
esp.enadhuyire.kills.me.every.word.of.it.and.mudhal.mazhai.i.dunno.i.suppose.its.all.
abt.the.solitude.i.felt.while.u.were.away.

however.tt.is.this.is.the.heart.of.shree.sangeeth.reigns.in.me.and.you.too.u.know.it.

vazhiyoram.vizhi.vaikirean.

teen

2007-10-28T14:16:00.000+08:00

after 6 yrs of being a teen and almost reaching the BIG twenty, i finally behaved like one ysdty.

my dad locked me outta my hse cos i came home late from a party.
i tell u. altho i got pist mad at everyone cos they weren't helping me to get inside, in a way i felt it was really comical. which is why i am shamelessly admitting this in my blog so blatantly.

point is, i had promised my bro and mum that i will be back hme by a stipulated time. however i was called home an hr earlier and that too i politely abided by. so i did rush back home ( btw i had a gd conversation with the cabby) only to be left stranded outside. so that was a totally unreasonable thingy. but considering that my dad n i have a cold-war for a long time since already, i cun quite say much.

haiz. i dun quite know wat to make out of my actions. have always been known to be behaving maturedly, but i felt like a small gal ystdy. sighs. it was so embarassing. knowing my tendencies to be rebellious, i almost went back to the party i came from. but yeah that was only 'lip-service'. i din dare do it.

well, i aint affected by this a bit. cos i have had worst shit b4. just wanted to pen this down cos it is a day i will rmbr. the first time ever... a sign of growing up?? i dunno. maybe. an addition into the list of 'oh!-i-so-dun-wanna-rmbr-this-day'?

haha. yups.

after cleaning up my room today, i plan to finish my polit sci essay. den mon till wed with my lit essay. den philo essay by the 5th. and den after downstr8 mugging for the sem exams.

and yes. the matters of the heart.
been brave. and pulling myself thru. just spare me the stress of repeating myself or asking for the status quo. Shree has put it all on hold. the timebomb is just ticking away.
and i admit defeat. wat u said was true. my fault as much.
if only i din care as much and nvr judged sumone.
i learnt smth.

dun judge. the less u judge, the more u love. even Jaish Ram said so once.

btw i miss u gal.i know i have MIA-ed from u a while. but u r really my yardstick to whether ur shree is fine or not. i bet u know tht by now. am getting back. gimme a while more ok. tnx.

the cOnFuSeD kId theory enters my life again. hahahaha. u rock me outta my seat.*winks*

val. thanks for that song dedication. pretty cool.

Din. u rock la. thanks for the company. hope u had fun. n u can mug now.

Fab. take care.

GOD. i am gd. i think. dun worry. rmbr to call me for ur study periods.

and appa.

i miss u. there are 11 more days to ur death anniversary. i am afraid the significance of ur death is losing as the yrs come by. but no. i told u already. i wanna feel the pain. alto i am just hiding away. u cant go away just like tt. not ur memories. only those seem stagnant in the unpredictable life of Shree.
i miss u appa.

adioz.

karu karu karupayee

2007-10-25T17:25:00.000+08:00

wahahaha. wait wait wait.

i muz say this.

*karu karu karupayee. nee veluthathu yean karupayee* background music

i am not the karupayee right?
nah nvr.
thoda thoda thodamaaten. thotta naanum vodamatean.
and yeah. the thirpuaatchi arivaalu wave.
vida vida vida vida maatean. nee thodama naan vidamaatean.

crap i cant stop laughing!!

wahahaha.

i only have one thing to say.

in the end, life fucks us all.

i still haven stopped laughing.
hahahahaha.

adioz.

over-reactin

2007-10-24T15:54:00.000+08:00

maybe i am just overreacting.
i am having a splitting headache. no its not a hangover.altho i wish it was.hahaha.
well den and again, i feel i am wasting my time over smth i deem extremely special to me but hell the feeling isn't reciprocrated. it hurts, over and over again and my life seems completely out of control. i wish i cld just leave my house straightaway and knock at the door of happiness. and stay put. if only there was such an avenue for mankind, then there wld be no need for hell or even sins. just glee and more love and affection shared.
smtimes i can get really carried away by my emotions i muz admit. somehow i can't grab hold of it. seeing myself to pull each day seems to ache the hell outta me. why? i have always put on a facade to be such a strong person, but deep down within me there is a devil waiting to scream. scream out and cry to u. and to u only.
with three assignments due in a week, i am seriously putting myself in deep shit. i dunno wat i wan out of my life actually.
let me see. sumone actually told me that its all normal to feel this way when ya reaching ya 20s. hell growing up is such a painful process. and i have chosen to sit down and brood over it so much.
i miss my shell. that room of mine b4 it was open to the rest of the world to see or even enter. those times when no one knew who Shree was. that whole mystery and secrecy. and now i feel like an open book. all violated and stepped upon. its painful and excrutiating. it harms me - the delicate threads of my heart are gnawed at... slowly everything gets loosened. the blood drips profusely and i lose my consciousness gradually... only wishing to seek refuge in ur arms all over again.

appa r u watching all of these? friday its ur prayers. fourth yr. are u even there? why dun i feel u anymore? u seem so distant more than ever b4. dun let me go. not u pls.

adioz

fucking mad

2007-10-24T01:22:00.000+08:00

i am fucking mad. just when u have got a whole load of work to do, sum ppl make u feel fucking mad. get u blowing ur mind off.

why the fuck cant ppl be truthful?

uuuurrrrgh i feel so fucked up really.
i wanna study. why do u ruin it all???

CCB. i hate u. and all those that u do.

i keep saying its my fault. but hell. how much do i tell this to myself??

god. either u get me out of this. or u bring me to u.

i have no fucking strength anymore.

adioz

and so it was.

2007-10-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

thoongum azhaginai paarthu rasithida iravellam kan vizhithu kidappeane

and so it was.

today i went out to run errands and had a good date with sathiya babe. we spoke but not too long.

well u see, as much as i wld love to have led a more fruitful day, i am satisfied.

although deep down within there is deep void that is waiting to be filled.

by you alone.

and to GOD, i am sorry abt today.

called the selfish one

2007-10-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

u r disappointed in me cos i was selfish.
selfish to see u. and to show u that i cared.

if all my true intentions of care n affection be reflected to u to be of selfishness and rudeness,
may all heaven cry in shame.

fatigue grapples me. too much of the presence of ur absence sends my body signals.
signals of malfunction and weakness.

i aint so fiesty and angry anymore. i have no more strength to continue such strong feelings.

let me feel afresh by telling myself i deserve this. and that while u are away with ur own comfortable solitude, let me just assure u smth.

nothing's changed.

adioz.

uyirin thuli kaayum munne en vizhi unnai kaanum kanne

once bitten, twice shy

2007-10-18T00:43:00.000+08:00

hey look.
i think u have got no fucking balls.

yeah u looked like u deserved so much of respect.
commanded truth and spouted lies.
a cheat was all u were.

i cant stand this cowardly silence u are holding onto.
fucking no guts to talk to me?
i bet this is wat they taught u.

my mounth is itching.
itching to ask u to screw off.
why all this emotional turmoil?
why all this blackmail?
and u make it seem like its all my fault.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
let me warn u.
i am still patient.
i still have my tolerance. and i am still waiting.
waiting like how u left it all.

cos when u return to rekindle the fire in me.
i will burn u.

adioz.

ullam kollai poguthey

2007-10-17T01:26:00.000+08:00

yaar antha roja poo... kannadi nenjin mel
kal veesu ponaan
avan yaaro...

fabian

2007-10-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

control me if u must
i know i argue so much
i love that cold hard stare
to catch hold of my arrogance

be angry if u must
i know i can make u so mad
that snapping of reality
brutal honesty i know

seeing thru ur lies
to let me know u love me much
makes me melt in ice
the little devil in me giggling

i see how fast u turn me around
realisation its called
that brutal honesty in u
turns hurt into love

when u scold
u make me run
run for my life; run towards u
haha u bledi runner

the tears- made worthwhile
the smile- u returned it back
i liked the one on the cheek
and then u turn n walk away in anger

and the cycle continues

engaiyo unnudan naan vaazhntha nyaabagam...

inimel namathu ithalgal inainthu sirrikum osai ketkume...

makiZhchi meeruthey... vaanai thaanduthey... saaga thoandruthey...

dear diary

2007-10-08T00:57:00.000+08:00

dear diary,

i am feeling so lonely.

'though its just moments we get to embrace... i am looking forward to spending a lifetime of these moments with u'

waiting each day is a pain that i will joyfully bear.

all the nights without comfort

all the days without my true soul

all the times without ur hands in mine

all the seconds without the security

all the tears of confusion

will come to an end this friday.

and Shree will finally be where she truly belongs...

adioz.

shali called

2007-09-30T13:44:00.000+08:00

well today the day started with shali calling. and i m still on the fone with her!

talking abt all those things that have slipped past our hands, ang mo kio mrt station, our pp storiesn wat not. miss u babe!!

nice ppl have definitely done their part in making my day. mrs.nelson caled me n invited me for her daughter's wedding. i was really touched. which teacher does that man? we have one mother-daughter r/ship.

navaraathiri is coming. haven quite practised my songs. waddya expect when i stay rooted in front of the comp n type n research like good 5 hrs each day? n then muz study study study aaaah. recess week has taken its toll on my health, sleep especially. but i haven completed my Polit Sci module n geog. aaargh. as alwayz my lit is the first to be done. n done well.

this little void in my heart. pains me. i cant quite help it. but wait in patience. for explanations and explanations.

feel independence when sumone loses dependence on u.
feel lonely when someone leaves u.
can u see the irony of it?

verenna vendum ulagathile?
intha inbam pothum nenjile...
yezhezhu jenmam vaazhnthuvittean!

adioz

why??

2007-09-28T13:00:00.000+08:00

just answer me once.

WHY??

cant sleep

2007-09-26T01:20:00.000+08:00

i cant sleep. i dun quite know how to make out my life right now. its filled with monotony and loadsa anticipation.

well today the kids had a good time with their lanterns. The moon was really full and bright.and beautiful. ini naanum naan illai

i realise smth. no matter who u've got around u, its ultimately one in his own grave. that defeats the point of having a family or friends for that matter. does that mean that one should live in solitude becos one eventually faces the inevitable death alone? does that not equate life to a point of futility?

leaving such questions unanswered, on my way back home from the bus-stop, i formed a dialogue in my thoughts abt tamil. read on.

thamizhil azhagu endru kooruvathu ellame azhagu illai.
meen poandra kann azhaga?
minnal poandra idai azhaga?
annam poanda nadai azhaga?
illaiye!

acham, madam, naanam, payirpu enbathu oru pennuku azhagu endru vethangal koorukindrathey,
ivai naangum oru pennuku azhaga?
allathu avargalathu munnetrathirkku oru muttukattaiya?

oru pennukku azhagu avalathu ullam.
athaivida azhagu thaaimai.

oru thamizh pennukku azhagu thimir!

enanakku thamizhai kattru thanthavar subramaniya bharathiyaar.
naan avarathu sishyan alla;
puthumai penn!

i like wat i wrote.

uchi meedu vaan idinthu veezhu kindra pothilum,
achamillai achamillai acham enbathu illaiye!
- bharathiyaar.

the bastardly world

2007-09-18T14:20:00.000+08:00

its been abt ten days since i blogged. ten days flew by like a breeze yet many days hold pain and yet memories. memories of betrayal and true sincere love.

maybe u guys already know.i have been feeling pretty much unmotivated and lazy abt even getting my ass to school. i rather sleep in, do my tutorials late night and dream my days away. not exactly a gd way to cope with a void in my life, but sumhow, i have passed ten days. successfully. i think.

good stuff first.
i have learnt, i am now clear. thanks Fab for the call and the lil short meeting in between. got me moving. gg on. i am waiting. come back quickly.

many friends have come up to me saying how much i have motivated them to study but i aint doing the same.its so annoying. but hell i trying so hard. just get me off my bed. even my phone does not ring as often. but anyway the calls wun be picked up as well. so yupz.

well now to face reality, i have to make a proclamation. for all to read.

my past is fake. no longer authentic like how i thot it was. all the feelings and arrogance i held on to it; its no longer there. it has been shattered. totally. and all the remnants have been thrown away, no longer buried deep within me. i have been pretty selfish abt things the past six years of my life. if only i knew it all along, i wld been in a better position in my life. i always owed the way i have grown up and how i have been to this one person in my life and now i know its all not true.

i dun quite worry abt the loss of a supposed true fren cos of this dillemma. i dun quite worry abt the mess u put me into.all that hurt me and broke me was the betrayal u confessed to me.

of all the times,i chose to believe it this time round.

another ruined bday party by you,another harsh memory for me to hold.but i am holding it good. just one msg to u, if it wld ever get into ur head.

you have lost me COMPLETELY.

its time now to be fair and sincere. to the one who truly deserves it. and this i promise.

adioz.

bored saturday

2007-09-08T19:04:00.000+08:00

today i did ntg and ntg.
i am sooo bored i tell u. aint that very interesting

i feel like giving up on this journey that i embarked on a coupla mths ago. but it aint fair for any decisions to be taken as of yet.

i am rather puzzled.

sch work - thr is just soooo much to do. and i hate life that is this unstable. all that emotional rollercoasters and worst still, ppl who randomly enter ur life, say a few things and run off. basket. dun be so empty can?

i need to get a grab on my life. why such self-faced boredom and monotony?

it sucks. to be the ultimate loser of selfish circumstances. and the one i wish wld be here for me, isnt the least bothered.

for now, i have fantasies to keep me occupied. no realities to strike in.and my head literally feels so heavy that i cant even think. i just realised that.

i haven been out in months. abt 3-4. my friendships all kept thru the fone. and after sch i just run home.

this kills. the refusal to let my inner self free kills.

why do i keep holding back so much?

adioz.

two fucked up

2007-08-30T13:45:00.000+08:00

29-08-07

i am feeling damn fucked up.
no its not only cos i am tired, i just hate this situation right now.

scenario:

suppose u work on a farm.
the supervisor in charge of u knows tt ya hardworking and a super- efficient farmer.
den he goes away for sum reason, leaving u to manage his work.
the damn farm owner comes,preferring u to the previous worker. the previous worker swindled money n left the job.
somehow the owners r being a pain n u cant do anyth to leave ur job cos u love it too much n u just wish ur supevisor returns.

i am really upset.

well anyway, following a literal death threat ystdy nite, i suddenly think abt death and life-after.
i read The five ppl u meet in heaven. excellent book. it sets u thinking and appreciating and observing events all ard u. i wonder who i will meet, to make sense of all the crap ard me. but i bet i will meet appa.
today morn sch was so exhausting.
i know tt i m needing my vitamins n the lack of it all is making me feel so lousy.
with many agendas to meet today, the lack of sleep is just pushing me back as well but at the same time, the disturbed mind rather be busy den to sleep in.
reasons are if i idle n tell myself to sleep, i mite wake up feeling fucked up as eva. so what is the whole bloody pt of it all?

i am so pessimistic i know.

i need to go for tuitions, whole lot of tutorials to be done, gotta meet this charity organisation lady, paatu class, threading to be done, two mths of hp bill to be settled, tuition kids and their unpaid tuition fees...

just call me will u. to know ya still ard although u r not will help. i think.

adioz.

thanimai thanimaiyo... kodumai kodumaiyo...

30-08-07

so yeah i was not feeling pessimistic for ntg.
i was right after all abt all those mixed feelings. a call was all it had to take to confirm ill luck.

i feel realli sad for sumone else who is the direct party to the dire situation over here. just tt life sux big time.

a new shree is born.

let me just tell u tt.i aint gonna feel like sum weakling, like how i was ysdty.

gimme two more mths. den i will settle in completely into this new persona.

trust me. cos u made my life so miserable, i hate u.

i fucking hate you.

adios.

in school

2007-08-24T17:02:00.000+08:00

i am in school. so much of work to do.

i am tired. somebody help me!!!

i need love, hug and a big kiss on my cheek to tell me to hang on.

adioz

no time!!!

2007-08-24T00:51:00.000+08:00

aaahhhhhh

i have been so annoyingly busy that i even missed my tutorial appeal time!!!!
gosh. i am sooo lazy to bring my laptop to school as well.

braba dun kill me. i missed the LFC match tt day.the bloody draw was LFC poata pitchai to CFC.

okie okie lemme take this chance.
all my uni frens. dun burn out. we all know hw this varsiuty edu is getting on our F nerves.

my O/A level frens. work hard. hard work is the key to success.

SHree. the inner me. give it ur best shot. after all u know it is wort it.
but dun stoop so low. u deserve the respect and love, just like any1 else.

pappa, i miss u. i bet ya watching me thru this nternal ordeal. see me see me see me cry n smile.

adioz.

lemme clear my head

2007-08-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

let me first clear my head

1. 9th August 07

thurs. My country's National Day.
i rmbr on wednesday when i was returning from paatu class, i saw this ad on the MRT platform at city hall. it was sum vitagen advertisement. a new product. and the ad was in chinese. a chinese spokeswoman had her support displayed in chinese characters.

i muz admit that i am a patriotic citizen. or so i wld like to think. and tt day, when i was eagerly trying to find out more abt the product, i realised that i was short-changed of info cos of the language barrier.i have ntg against the language. in fact, i personally feel that it is a challenge to undertake mandarin, and its the next on my list after hindi class.

Den and again, i muz confess that i was utterly disappointed because as long as my eyes cld see from the last platform, i was not able to understand what the product was offering. so much for equality and harmony. and so much for smart marketing strategies. u just lost one customer dammit.

this din stop me from standing up during my Nation's most esteemed national anthem and pledge. i was awed by the stellar performance of my motherlanders. awesome camaraderie displayed. kudos.

2. 12th Aug 07

It was akka's 25th bday. one of the many bdays tis mth. i had a splendid time with my family and her godparents at Marina;steamboat. fun. and good family time. She was soo happy. felt good truly.

Such angels, so innocent and truthful...are hard to find. and with one who sleeps beside me every night,i wonder where else am i to find for such purity in someone.

Appreciation.

3.
school. lesson proper has started.
i dun wanna regret my path of education anymore. its becos i chose to be so nonchalent abt my maths in J1, i suffered in J2. screwed up maths with an E. A near-to-perfect A Level cert that cld haf been my ticket to NUS Law faculty flew just damn away.

Laptop not ready. annoying, screwed up balloting left to confirm timetable. lect notes yet to be printed out.Mid term test on the first wk of Oct. Yup tts six weeks left.
Room still filled with A level notes. Yup i was so sure that i was gonna repeat my A's tt i kept all my books and notes.
btw u shd check out my prev entries abt screwing my A's. hahaha.
F comical.

4.
today's date is my fave four-digit number.
1408.

dun try buy 4D.i already have. urs shd be sold out. CURSED.

i love each second i hate you...
i love u more tt way...

adioz.

hmmm.life sux.

2007-08-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

today i went to paatu class after such a looong time. i kinda embarassed myself when i was asked to sing.

anyway today loadsa things happened. and i am keeping note. me n myself and you. i see different faces of u. n it annoys me. but then and again. thats pretty much me as well.
u were right abt being my mirror.

so Shree aint complaining aitez.

today was a tiring day for me. but i felt so liberal travelling to paatu class alone.

i got all my modules. pretty cool. hmmm. time to get started. with work n settling down with uni life. i hope not to get myself into shit stuff. i will sooo hate myself if i dun concentrate on my work.

i had a nice evening ystdy. prayers n all.

in short
to sum up my life this week

en mel yaarum kal adithaal... sirikkavum pazhagi kondean...

adioz.

den its me.

2007-08-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

so i went for the yogi b concert.
it was awesome.
simply awesome.

thanks to sumone who is awesome as much.
my kit kat bar kept me company.

today i was PMSing pretty much. kept laughing at those times when i shd be serious.
so i ended up getting my other half serious. seriously mad.

school is starting. i cant wait to go back to my books.
but i must confess that i have been such a mess myself recently. and i quite doubt my seriousness.
apart from that, i will be gg thru sum shit crisis for 50 odd days soon.
so yeah.

back to paatu class on wednesday. i am sooo screwed i know.

btw i wrote smth. i liked it. but sumone else quite din.

un nenjil naan indru santhitha urakkam...
en thaayin karuvile naan kanda marumalarchi...

yikes! i am soo tired. and i haven been sleeping well.

tmr thiviya is coming over to my place.
i am still deciding on what to cook. hmmm. vege dishes. ideas anyone?

i need to tell myself smth.

u are deviating from who u really are babe.
time to get back. to the good ol' days.

adioz.

immature

2007-08-02T01:15:00.000+08:00

shree is getting screwed up.

i guess i have been immature abt many things. n i REGRET.

well i gotta learn. and i better.

i have skipped paatu class for two mths already.
it sux. and saras is so mad at me. aiyoooo. babe.. dun do this.

my module bidding is screwed. thallippoana CORS website.

back again.
i wish i wish.
i wish to learn.
not for myself.

but u.
just u.

gg to penang

2007-07-26T01:33:00.000+08:00

i am gg to msia on thurs. so yup. will be back on monday.
st anne's feast.

pretty cool. i cleaned out my bags today. looks like i have a lot give to Salvation Army.
haha.soooo many bags.

i feel so good to be online at this time. hanging on the fone. yup. BBBRABA! talking to u after suuuchhh a long time.

times have changed.
thooose times everything was entirely different.

damn long since i used the fone.
i feel sooo old suddenly. hell i am 19.

and nineteen. means it is my last yr being a teenager!!! awww. tt quite sucks.
haiz.
i am sucha confused kid. hmmm tt name. hmmm
gosh.

vaazhkai oru naadaga medai. athil naam ellam nadikargal.

hmmm. haha no.

vaazhkai oru naadaga medai. athil naam ellam pornstars?? haha.

CB.

hhhhuuuggg.

i miss myself. i miss the Shree in me..

adioz.

unemployed

2007-07-24T00:51:00.001+08:00

i called it quits today.
i called up st stephens and told them that i cant make it to sch anymore.
i got so sick of it. to wake up early n travel... then rush 4 tuition, hindi class, temple. haiz
but dammmit i need this leave for uni stuff. gosh. 24 hrs is not enuff!!

sch is starting. and i so need this rest.

this wkend i wun be in town.

btw i wanna be alone.

lemme me be with myself.

dun F come n tell me i haf no time for u. dun come and tell me its cos of other ppls' entrance in my life. i jus dun need my fone anymore. if i even bother calling u to check on u, count ur lucky stars. dun push ur luck further.

sahana saaral thoovutho...

adioz

acceptance

2007-07-17T21:12:00.000+08:00

life wld be a better place if we accepted one another.

u cannot hate smth abt sumone unless it reflects smth abt urself. and the more we judge, the less we love.

i am tired.

really am.

i am glad i dun seem to cry anymore. those tears have been dried up. ages ago. so my tear bank is empty.

and one more thing. we shud give our love n time to ppl who need us. and not be a bitch abt it. i mean who the hell cares whether u r appreciated or not? u r bloody helping sumone in need and in pain.

my conscience is clear. i dun need to lie to myself. and i am used to having auch rxns to my 'mother theresa' stunts. but u know wat. i dun give a fuck if anyone is unhappy abt it. wats appreciation in my life?? since when did i receive it to expect it now? or love for tt matter.

screw it.

kal ho nah ho.

adioz.

wt do u want?

2007-07-13T00:03:00.000+08:00

i am feeling so fucking exhausted.

Since when did shree get to be in the picture of being selfish?

i wish i wish i wish u dead.

i am mad. fuming away.

and to all the dimwits aka ball-less fucks who try to screw my tag board...
pls la go get a life. dun forget i can tap ur IP address la stupid.u can get charged for net-hogging la toot.

haiz haiz.

life and its roller coaster rides.

sumone tell me sumone tell me.

tt a roller coaster ride is to be enjoyed and be jollied with.

not to end up vomitting and ouking at the end of it all.

my pain and my joy. if only u were more easily understood...

adioz

back again. new life

2007-07-10T00:23:00.000+08:00

heys...

its been such a looong time eh.
well i kinda dun c the need to blog anymore. but no no. i shan run away from the fact tt this form of catharsis is impt.

one major reason i kinda lost interest is cos some idiotic dimwit frens of mine haf been spreading gossipz, unnecessary ones, abt the info displayed here.

i hereby declare that any information displayed on this website is none of f*cking anyone's business. so screw the F off and see tt ur own ass gets clean first.

Back to teaching. tiring n loadsa workload. Uni matters to be settled.

A new phase of life. Starting to live all over again. i am just lucky, i can tell u.i feel gd abt the past one mth of my life. its been sheer delight with its usual confusions abt being too perfect.

well well. every dog has its day.

i am feeling pretty all over again. and oh yeah i haf put on abt 4kg as well. haha. so does tt make me less pretty? who the hell cares?
i am regaining my confidence a bit. and gg back to my books wld make me feel all the more better i suppose.

well i am living. and loving. and seeing life in a total different light.
Time to be happy Shree.

and u over there.
grow up. plz.

adioz.

uni is here

2007-06-20T17:51:00.000+08:00

the university forms are here.

as much as i wld hate it to say this, i have been admitted into FASS in NUS...
i hate it not cos of anything else, but cos i really really wanted to get into SMU. B.Sc Social Sciences. Direct Honours. its B.Sc mind it. Haiz.

some things are just not meant to be i suppose. i would try again next yr. i really wld. i think.

i am happy with things at my side actually.
It seems like everything is falling into place. but i am very wary of everything ard me at the same time.
i have faced disappointments many times in my life n it wld be mere stupidity to c it all in a positive light.

for now. its back to driving, sangeeth, hindi and st.stephens.
i dunno abt teaching again tho.

but i am excited. tt i am gg to study again. and put my mind back in control.with books and family. sathiya n amma and all.

Shree is happy.

and as i humbly accept the upcoming disappointments that might just topple me off...
i aint gonna waste every second by sulking away...

not with u at least *winks*

daddy i miss u. Take care of Akka while she is away @ Zurich... n ur kutty gal at NUS. both sound equally distant. But ur two daughters know what they are doing. really really.

Adioz.

fathers's day

2007-06-19T03:06:00.000+08:00

and so.

i am moving on with life. i so finally see it.
as Sengoyz had put it. the light at the end of the tunnel.

after weeks of worry, i finally got the reply for my appeal from NUS. Yup i had appealed to change my course of study from Real Estate to Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. and so this yr, Shree will be making her royal way to FASS... but for a yr only. i am planning to transfer my credits to SMU at the next intake.

SMU... i Wun take NO for an answer.

Sunday was Fathers' Day. i spent sat afternoon shopping for fathers' day presents and overly spent. for 4 ppl i considered worthy of the label dad. i think.

and sunday i made my way to amma's place. bought lunch from sakunthala's. and garland for appa. actually it was pretty dumb. i took the cab from tekka heading towards pasir ris when halfway i rmbred that i had forgotten to get him a garland. and so i asked the cabby to drive back. with a heavy heart.

i bet everyone was happily buying gifts for their dads. and wishing them happy father's day and teling them how much their father meant to them. and yeah with all this handicapped, i forgot to get him a garland. the only thing i cld eva get him.
oh but that din stop me from buying him 2 candle-with words written on them.

" for a special dad "

indeed. u are special, daddy.
i cun stop my tears from flowing when amma gave me the lit incense sticks to be offered to my appa.
its not like u are here for me to tell u hw much i love u.
i cant stand it father. i really cannot. i cun help looking at him after i had decorated it with the flowers i had bought him.

u looked so royally beautiful daddy.
and so my phone came in handy.
this is my daddy for u all to c.
see how handsome my appa looks. U need not be around appa. i still had my special father's day with u.

i miss u appa. and i know no matter hw many i tell u this i know tt u'd nvr know. cos i missed it all times u were here. i din tell u enuf... not at all even when u were ard. it has been 4 yrs. and it still kills me. just like the very first day... u killed me with ur death.

i just wan u to know smth. that life can nvr be the same. and no matter hw much i try to move on without u, i dun want to.
i wanna feel the pain. i wanna feel the loss. i wanna miss u badly. i wanna literally die to see u again. Just come back once n tell me u love me. one day. one day. one day.

and my dear friends... treasure ur dad's while they are around. sumtimes daddies spend too much time working... trying to save enuf for their kids. n we usually fail to show our appreciation.
DUN.
to aarthi, vishnu and cheryl.
we all know tt we can nvr turn back the clocks to see our dads. but lemme assure u all that they are watching over us closely.
my daddy told me tt. right appa?

i wld appreciate if i receive no comments on my tag board pertaining to this blog entry.
thank you mates.

adioz.

death. life.

2007-06-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

PMS again.
bloody bad mood.

today i went to a funeral. This lady who passed away is a Gold medalist from Annamalai Uni. age 28. Son is 5 yrs old. Died out of blood cancer. she was bald. stomach was bloated. dark skinned. her tears were dried on her face when she had taken her last breathe.

i juz cld not stop crying after seeing the lil' boy. it hurt me very much. i cun undstd y God had to take away maternal love from the child...which quite evidently no one else can provide. the boy asked y the coffin was coming into the hse. the poor child cld not comprehend the meaning of death. did not understand that his mum had left him. forever. that in yrs down the road, even as much as he tried, he wun be able to rmbr her face. and his days that were spent with his mum. She was nvr gg to return. to hug him, feed him... tuck him into bed... hold him close n say 'i love u'.

So ultimately my question is : What was the purpose of her overly limited days on this earth? if every man is ultimately faced with inevitable death, then why den the life in the first place?

Y is it that the birth of life calls for celebration, when actually it is the start of all the shit damn crapped problems? Y is that the end of life calls for mourning, when it places a full stop to all pain and suffering?

Y are we all called blessed souls to be brought onto this earth...when one is challenged thruout his life n is questioned of his faith and strength? is that a blessing?

i just dun understand y it takes death to understand life.

This wld be super comical if i sleep tonight n dun wake up tmr.

Darn. i jus wish tt wld happen.

Adioz.

hypocrites and politics

2007-06-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

so hell.
Shree is PMSing.
so just shut the gap and screw off.

i have learnt. and yes the better way. no hard feelings anymore.
more than anyone, the worst way to get busted is by a friend.
i will explain y the better way as well.

so u c. i forgot. yes hit me. hit me hard.
i forgot that hypocrisy and politics are always lingering around my feet. Even with FRIENDS, or so they claim they are.

simple. the world does this and that. dun u eva follow their footsteps jayshree. u bitch abt everything under the sun. and then u say, "oh no. i am different. and i dun care abt the world." huh? u ok or not?

y? i mean simply y? if u cld just shut up and remain silent...who wld wanna listen to ur baby cries? who wld wanna form an opinion abt u? y wld u need to form an opinion in the first place? aren't u being fake? and claim not to be as well?? arent u being political abt the info u dessiminate to ur frens abt another? arent u being a fucking hypocrite?
y the fuck did u claim to be MY friend for then?

i am blessed enough to have such gr8 friends around me. i feel that d few but gr8 ones are enough. i am sooo grateful... maybe i just nvr showed i am.
and now i am blessed again.
God has opened my eyes.
yup the better way. cos i am willing to let go. Unlike the times when i used to cry over useless friends.and wondered y the ppl i loved so much nvr stayed.
i have changed. i dun need any new ones who wld try to make a difference.
yes it hurts. but i have experienced bigger sorrows in life. Whats u?

if anyone by chance tries to be a dimwit n call me after this and ask me if it was u tt i blogged abt,out of guilt, save ur call. i probably wun even answer it.

and it fucking does not help that SMU rejected me and i am faced with a dire situation of not being able to study locally.

CB.

adioz.

its over

2007-06-04T22:58:00.000+08:00

so the cOnfUsEd KiD theory is over.
sadly.happily.finally.
groanz

well life moves on.
Hell if i could leave heavenly holy water to eventually run down the drain, whats the loss of the bloody mucus that i spit out of my badly inflammed throat? yeah that visual impact was necessary to show the gross-city of the information.

cOnfUsEd?
haha.
wateva.
damn. i MISS u.

well well. i am bored.
As Braba wld say it, I is Bored. haha
crap.

i miss working. i hate this feeling of having time in my hands. it sucks.
and oh btw.
y the hell did i not read aarthi's blog earlier? it makes a whole lot of sense. now it does.

i m angry. oops. hungry. or what is it?

i so love this feeling of being free again.

i so love you. i tell u.

yes u. yeah u.

my sangeeth. yeah tts u.

adioz.

cOnFuSeD kiD haha

2007-06-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

well well
nostalgia hits me
life has changed tremendously.
and it has maybe... probably turned for the worst.
but here is Shree taking a chance. a risk.
i haven really shown much maturity in my actions.
causing ppk to judge. but really, i dun care.
not becos i dun care abt them, but becos i prefer acting on my own.
simply put,i think,
still waters run deep.

this cOnFuSeD kId theory confuses me.
it really does.
but i aint sure if i am willing to take the risk.
hmmm. only time will tell.
but hell. its life over honour.
or is that equation faulty as well?

well.
ultimately its shree back to herself and her cocoon again.
no it aint loneliness.
its just solitude tt is thoroughly enjoyed.
and it feels good.
looking back i had a good 18th yr.
all the songs that i listened to area gd example.
i loved all of them.not superficially for their music only or wat.
but thoroughly.inside out.
now when i listen to them.
i know the difference.
the lack of love and passion.
the lack of intimacy with my music
the answer is pretty simple.
absence of love.

well.
shree has opened her heart.
to purely kids and family.
damn i just wish i had kids on my own.
my own ones to love. to care and nurture them.
more than anything.
to call them my own.
the rest explains.

adioz.

and so...

2007-05-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

and so... life has taken for a turn..

to start off... job at Changi Airport.
Thanks to Mr. Sengoyan and My Bhai, all was gd and nice and sleepy and boring.
and yes scratching Sengoyz.
Reuben and Fang Xian. Pretty nice.
End of Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.
turning the pages...
i had a fight with Valvinpal Kaur. babe. we have no more motherf*ckers to fight over abt
Balachandran. In the 7 odd yrs i know you, my my. u amuse me. u just hate the mirror in me, dun u? wahaha.

Chapter 3.
i am seriously contemplating a double degree in india. one in Tamil Literature and the other in Carnatic Vocal. my parents aint very receptive abt this. B.A. to be done in Loyola college and Carnatic to be in Kalakshetra i think.
i mean, hell i aint living for anyone except amma anymore. so its just her to decide. btw this is only if SMU screws me up. i think they are planning. or if my fate is it, i am settling my ass in NUS.

Chapter 4.

Some things and some ppl just have not left my mind. sometimes i really wonder if life itself is a facade. i miss most of my friends, especially Rejabunnisah. Hell Ram family misses u babe. whr the hell are you? its so sick tt we cant even find u, and to top it all off, i feel so responsible. G, we need u. maybe i do. come back.

apart from tt, Daddy. u got me killing my feelings.

Musa. i haven said this word in yrs. nostalgia kills once again. walls have ears and so does this screen. i hate how this blog is watched. hell if not. only if not.
but hey hey hey. life has ended for some stuff. so let this be just as complicated as ever. scenes of life better left unrepeated. and bastards of feelings are better left unkindled.

Chapter 5.
ntg left much for this petite woman to say.(i think). except that my nephews have gotten me in love with em all over again and i am gd n gd with all this work that gets feelings and emotions outta my mind.
maybe Val u nvr seem to understand y Shree gets so bo-chap half the time.

i guess its cos i have realised wat and for whom life is worth living for? wat is a man who came n bashed u outta ya life and still claimed to hold ur love? wats a man who held ur heart in his hands with his eyes onto another woman's chest? wats a fren who seeks solace in ur arms and later sees her dreams of friendship with another? wats a dad who sees u as a hindrance of his time and savings? wats a mirror when it refuses to reflect ur true emotions and portray a facade constantly; just cos u wanna keep smiling abt how shit ur life really is???

c'mon. Shit happens. but u just cant let it happen to u all the time. it has to stop. but beware once it does, there's out for more.

so with all these, Shree ends with sleepy note.
The day has ended, and the dawn awaits me with surprises.
F the world and hold ur wits.
u nvr know which bastard wld wanna tear down ur shine.

Adioz

changi airport

2007-05-24T13:03:00.000+08:00

hmmm.

life is changing, or so i think it is.
from the silent agreement within my heart to stop defining emotions to whatever the eye meets... things have indefinitely changed.

i have missed school for three days.all cos i cun wake up. actually today i really wanted to go. but i cun. hell.

ystdy's LFC match totally upsets me. they lost. Yeah they did.
but my heart goes out to u. we've got 5 titles to be contented with. we'll give in this time la. anyway Milan's 2nd goal was sheer luck. so F the world and hail the REDS.
so with all that madness at Athens, my alarm refused to activate in the morn. or so i tell myself
kekeke

to totally busted LFC at this time, i bought total 2 goals at sing pools. now the whole idea is LFC lost, and it cld have just remained that way with Milan's 2-0. but the bloody 88th min goal only means i lost my money and my team lost. crap. wat a bitch of a fan.

after 3yrs on tuesday, i made my way to Changi Airport. the bloody same place appa whr i last saw u. and the hug that nvr came and the kiss i nvr gave. it annoys me totally how i actually forgot whr i was heading to till i reached there, and how i have been successfully avoiding my trips there even to send off my closest of my closest friends but i have now agreed to work there for 5 days.
hell.
i know i aint over this. maybe Daddy u miss me. tts y u wanted me there, is it? ur smell still lingers around... no i haven forgotten u... u din have to torture me this way... but since u want it... its daughter submitting to ur heavenly request...
i soo miss u appa. come quickly. ur kutty is still waiting.

i think i have unfortunately put myself into another unappreciative environment. it sucks totally. no it aint gonna take a pair of iPod ear piece to hold me back. Shree now declares a fullstop. whole-heartedly. i think.

speaking of defining emotions, i guess it does not work tt way anymore. i think.

Valvinpal Kaur. u fight n fight n fight and still make me smile. this is one love-hate feeling. but i love u really my dear baby sis. time will tell it all.

To Mr.Sengoyan. its wierd how u see a xerox copy of urself in sumone u just cant stop cursing and swearing at. then and again, while i'm at this, i am totally respectful of the way u are and think.

Amma. i am so sorry i nearly fought with u. i know i am living for u and u only. its not like i wanna hold on to this life. trust me if it isnt for the loss of appa that u had gone thru, u wld haf probably gone thru it for me. hell i wish i cld openly tell u amma. but ya. i'll just wait till u see it urself.

i imagine. the floor opening up and swallowing me. and as much as i wanna be gg into it, i hold back. and fight for feelings not reciprocated and for ppl who stay no way by my side. with the blessing or curse, i dunno, of my stoned heart finally bleeding away into ounces of cold blood... i wonder again if being a stone is still all the more worth it. and less painful for that matter.

i hate this state of ambiguity. i despise it.

i need to go to the temple. i know i need to.

uuuuurgh.

but for now.
i will just do this.

F the world and hail the REDS.

adioz.

facing it

2007-05-14T20:38:00.000+08:00

Perhaps i do not exactly have the outlet to my hidden emotions and feelings. in this case i muz admit tat i am not true to myself even. it is hard to eventually force myself into thinking that i am clear and emotionally/psychologically stable.

i have built up so much of anger and pain inside me that it only comes out thru silent tears, especially when i am alone.WHO in this world would want burden upon themselves? then, why is it I bring upon so much of pain onto myself?

I do need a break, i know. But as much as i thought i was giving myself one, I realised that i have stagnated myself and ended up giving myself a heart full of thorns to carry.

I cant seem to move on. With the losing divine faith and inability to focus, i once again bring myself to the slum, where sorrows and degradation befriend me.

Handlin so much of workload is my coping mechanism. As much as my friends have pestered me to meet them up, i have equally been stubborn to refuse them and let myself stay cooped up.

I have been living a facade.

I surrender.

i have a lot to blog

2007-05-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

i have a lot to blog.
this page has beeen dormant for a long time.
pardon me.
yes i do know that u have missed me.
and the screams of the devil.
called my heart.

1.SMU interview

maybe u already know.

Q:how many chairs are there in the building?
A:erm. a thousand?
Q:argue ur case.
**Shree goes blur at this point.
A:i have completely no idea.
Q:well, how did u enter this place?
A:i asked for directions.signage.
Q: yup.so u have two mins. leave the room and do whatever u need to. n return.
**Shree runs out and checks the level plan and how many storeys, etc.

And so the case goes on. from number of conference rooms/meeting rooms/seminar rooms/offices/basement level/security... ...
i got 3430.
yes i did buy 4D. and i missed twice.
i had FUN.
but i haven gotten my acceptance letter!!!

2.
i am now teaching in St. Stephens School. primary. wonderful staff. working with Mrs.Sandran. moulding the future of SJI. and yes i will make sure no one gets in there. NO ONE.

3.
i am contemplating a trip to India at the end of the year on my own.
down to Chennai from Singapore and staying with lovely Saras. for a good 8 days.
it comes around 2K. i wanna save up the money all by myself. wanna shop, check kalakshetra and the universities there. cool. i cant wait.

4.
i had a tiff with Hari.
upsets me totally but i am glad we are both ok now. good frens DO fight. but when it happens, it hurts.badly. i guess i felt so threatened and insecure. but hell i am blessed.
JAK & CO. 4eva mike.

5.
anyway i wanna blog abt this as well.
MEN.
i think i so hate this three-letter word.
from dads to brothers to friends to boyfriends to husbands. they make women feel so insecure.
and.
emotionally threatened.
all the time.
their constant silent expectations of us from feeding them to ignoring them at times, they expect. and we are made to give. somehow the society has moulded us this way.
its sick. like how i cant have my girlfriends to myself, cos of their dad/bro/bf/hubby.
sick.
i gotta admit that i am too under this social spell.
hmmm.
for now i dun feel like giving. i feel like taking. *winks*
gimme.gimme.

6.
frankly i cant rmbr much. but i guess its pretty exhausting already.

*
*
*
there is love in my heart all over again.
but no one to give it to.

*bites*

problem

2007-04-18T23:36:00.000+08:00

i seem to have a problem. with many ppl in my life.
with myself as well.

hmmm.

i got SMU interview date today. but for a course tt i totally dun want.i am upset.
i feel good to be on track with a busy schedule. pls pls jus dun distract or try to put an halt to my lifestyle.
i feel so bloody damned fucked up about money problems. i so shitty hell feel that families with money probs will nvr be able to get themselves outta it.cos money itself is a problem. i am so happy with the way i SEEM to manage my finances sometimes. but really, whr the hell do sum ppl keep their brains when coming to spending other ppl's money?? in ur rectum?( jus in case u dun rmbr, tts in between ur large intestine and ur anus, waiting to be spilled out into the toilet bowl whr it cld jolly well join the ever efficient singapore sewage system and sing " this is home truly") u f*cking dun spend a single drop of sweat for that dollar-note in ur wallet yet u wanna talk so much? knn.
nowadays i realise that there are seriously sum ppl who are so bloody worth giving ur time and love to.i aint gonna mention any names cos that might just be an understatement of my affection and respect for ya all. i mean wat else can i say abt ppl who bother calling u everyday and smsing just to know. i jus salute u all.

i dun wanna say more.

adioz

back from mum;s place

2007-04-17T12:19:00.000+08:00

well.
its me again.
i seriously dun feel like blogging.
but this is pretty much my close buddy for this moment.
its just as simple.
i dun feel like sharing stuff with real ppl anymore.
i like how the virtual space somehow substitutes human relationships.
hell. leave that.

so i am back from mum's place.
damn i am so sad. i really wish i cld be there 24/7.
and i love how this feeling has nvr left me for a gd 11 years.hmmm

my nephews and nieces are doin gr8. i am so happy seeing them doing gd in sch as well. ultimately, seeing my sunshines rising up the success ladder is one of the things i am truly living for.

i feel i have grown up. matured. and turned evil.
i somehow dun seem to care abt hearts anymore.
not even my own for that matter.
i seem to care abt my amma's place, my house and a selected few frens.
surprisingly, i dun seem to be emotionally driven.
i do get into emotional spasms ( like how i had one with valvin ystdy at the bus stop) but really at the end of it, i seem to shake myself outta it.
and that is pretty tough; pretty much an achievement.
sumone so emo and soft on the inside and hard on the exterior... this is just so not me.

but boy am i glad i am liking this.
like hari always says (used to, rather) " you are not mother theresa la jakama. dun put the world's burden on ur shoulders"
trust me dude. i have so gone past the stage.

there are many obvious reasons. firstly i am out of the i-dunno-the-world phase. i now truly get to see ppl and the dirty dirty bastardly world.

secondly i fight for my own survival.
with not a single cent from home with the label allowance or whatsoever, i struggle with tuition kids who barely gimme a steady monthly allowance.with that comes my own personal expenses, salsa, karnatic, birthday gifts, mothers' day and worst of it all, handphone bill.
and am i proud to say that i live with my head up high this way.

thirdly the best of it all, the ones whom i seriously thought i will swear my life and love upon have clearly made me feel otherwise. not only have i been frankly running away, i am glad for this dejected and totally f*cked up feeling.

coming to a close, i feel that i still do have love for everyone else. especially for ppl i cant really reach out to. like my friends overseas ( thats shalani, vishal, akshaya and soon to be saras akka) and wait wait wait. did i forget to mention appa??

and in this little heart of mine...

(pardon me its just that i cant seem to show it very much cos of the stoned me)

as much as i would love to get back into the old jayshree persona...

i rather stay away.

and be in love with love itself.

and no one else.

adioz.